Here is my truth. I’ve been working with couples and individuals for over 10 years. I’ve had many successes and of course some failures. The moment a couple walks into my office and begins telling me their story, I'm immediately formulating a plan to assist them. They don’t see it yet; they don’t need to (that’s why they’ve hired me,) I do. and I’m confident that if they do what I teach them, their relationship will thrive.
This wasn’t always the case. Every therapist experiences jitters in the beginning, and who can blame them? Someone is actually paying them money to do the thing they love. The weight of such responsibility can lead to imposter syndrome, a rite of passage in our profession.
Fortunately, as you gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play, things begin to fall into place naturally. I don't just work with people; I work with their minds. When a client confides, "My partner had an affair, and I want to learn how to trust them again," I know that my first task is to find out how this affair has altered their brain's perception of the relationship. I also understand that the only way their brain can reestablish trust is through their partner consistently reinforcing safety rituals and trust-building exercises. This process involves:
Delving into why the betrayal occurred
Healing the wounds that led to infidelity
The cheater sharing their growth and challenges with the betrayed partner.
Both partners maintaining transparency through the highs and lows of the healing process
While this might seem complex at first glance, it's fundamentally simple. Humans are wired to predict; it's a survival mechanism that keeps us secure and thriving. When our ability to predict safety in a relationship is compromised, we may exhibit behavior that appears peculiar, but in reality, it's an adaptive response to ensure our self-preservation.
So, I leave you with this reflection today: the next time you encounter someone making choices you disagree with or dislike, try to withhold judgment (unless, of course, it involves something as bad as rape or murder – even I draw the line there). Understand that every individual makes the best choices they can in the circumstances they find themselves in. While staying in a relationship after infidelity might not be the choice you would make, if your friend opts for that path, it’s because that’s currently the choice that makes them feel the safest, compared to the alternative.
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