No one wants to pay mothers.

Hello, Substack friends!

I’m still feeling a little nervous about sharing this essay with you today, especially since I know the title is quite provocative. It’s based on six little words that just came to me out of nowhere, and I went with that glittery breadcrumb trail.

What do you think about the idea of unpaid labor? I realize it’s not just, or only, mothers who work at invisible labor, yet mothers get the brunt of what is not considered worthy of payment. I’m curious about what your experiences are with this topic.

As always, thanks for being here. I appreciate each of you!

Several months ago, six words popped into my mind the instant I awoke in the morning: No one wants to pay mothers.

I grew up in a traditional white, middle class family, where my dad worked full time and my mom scrubbed toilets and cooked meals and vacuumed floors while my younger brother and I were at school. My dad worked outside the home; my mom worked inside it.

Occasionally, after church on Sunday, we’d mingle with other parishioners. One couple might ask, “Oh, Dave, what are you doing these days?” And my dad would respond with his latest project or recent promotion. Then they would say, “Oh, and Deb, you aren’t working, are you?” To which my mother would reply, “Yes, I work. I just don’t get paid for it.”

End of discussion.

As a child, I internalized the message that women are expected to take care of the house and children without financial compensation—or even recognition. I knew my mom didn’t stay home begrudgingly. But she was clear: she did work.

It’s interesting to me now that I am in the throes of domesticity—and have been out of the 9-to-5 workforce for almost twenty years—that unpaid labor remains invisible and inferior to conventional salaried positions. I can also attest that this is true of those in the Arts: many claim to appreciate the intrinsic value of art, but few are willing to pay the artist for their efforts.

What’s only recently occurred to me is that I’m basically screwed if something happens to my husband’s job. There are times when I feel unworthy or insignificant, because I seldom have money to call my own.

I’d like to see economic policies that support the reality of how women uphold society in hidden, often forgotten ways. Women are building foundations for others to “go to work,” and we are doing this largely alone and unacknowledged.

My motivation for writing this isn’t to go on a diatribe. It’s because I wake up most days and wonder why I am doing the same things I did yesterday, why I feel I’m on the cusp of begging people to support my writing or pay for my editing services. Should it be this hard? Maybe it is for us all.

You know something? Ever since the first time I heard my mom re-frame her daily roles as unpaid work, I’ve appreciated the life she gave me. I just wish others would say to mothers, “I see you. I support you. You deserve to buy yourself a cup of tea or a lunch out with friends.”

Remember the old adage, “Nothing in life is free?” Well, neither is maternal labor. At least it shouldn’t be.1

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I’ve started a new community here on Substack for women who identify as mothers, even if you don’t have biological children. It’s called Ghost Mother, and I would love to have you join me in constructing it from its foundation to make it a strong and steady presence, where women can gather in a safe space to share the stories that have never been told, to make visible what has remained unnoticed and unacknowledged in their roles and identities.

The topic about which I wrote today on invisible labor is one of many themes we’ll explore. If you have an idea for a guest essay on Ghost Mother, I would love to hear about it!

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