What do you mean gratitude is overwhelming?

I thought after months of asking for the fog to clear, trying to make decisions, carrying too many things at once, and waiting for life to feel lighter, there would be some obvious moment where I exhaled and thought, finally.

Instead, the good arrived and I almost did not know what to do with it.

I reflected back on this sitting at a park that has held a lot of versions of me over the last few months.

I have journaled there when I felt confused. I have gone there when I needed to get out of my own head. I have sat in the grass staring at the water when I needed somewhere that held me.

Today I wasn’t going there to find the sparkle. I went because I already felt so full of gratitude that I needed somewhere to sit with it.

So full of gratitude that the overflow… feels a little overwhelming.

…And I think part of why I can feel that contrast so deeply is because I remember exactly what the deep end felt like…

I’ve described the season I was in as being stuck in the deep end… channeling my inner Dory and just trying to keep swimming.

Work was getting done. I was solving problems. I was still building. From the outside looking in, I probably looked capable because well, I AM.

But capability and capacity are not the same thing.

It felt like everyone was standing around the edge of the pool telling me what a strong swimmer I was while I was constantly trying to catch my breath.

That metaphor has kept resurfacing because I think we do this to strong people all the time.

We see someone who has handled difficult things before and assume they will handle the next difficult thing too.

We see competence and assume there is endless capacity underneath.

We celebrate how much someone can carry without ever asking whether they should still be carrying it.

Because strong swimmers can still drown.

Knowing how to navigate pressure does not make you immune to it.

Knowing how to solve problems does not mean you never become overwhelmed by the number of problems requiring your attention.

Sometimes the overwhelm is actually because you’re in the middle of figuring it all out, not because you can’t.

I was never sitting around waiting for someone to rescue me. I was making decisions, working, changing things, closing chapters, opening new ones and moving through what needed to be moved through.

I was swimming.

But I was also tired.

Both things can be true at the same time.

slowly, things started flowing.

I had finally closed a few chapters and doors that I knew did not need to stay open anymore. At the same time, projects I was excited about were moving forward, new opportunities were coming in, and there was something about all of that newness that just lit me tf up.

I also made the decision to invest in mentorship, which is actually kind of wild because in sixteen years of building businesses, I had never done that. I had never really asked for help. Then Behind the Build hit #94 Rising in Business and Top Seller… which honestly just felt really freaking cool.

& Then I launched the second round of my Substack Accelerator.

Twenty two women said yes.

Twenty two people trusted me enough to invest their money, time, businesses, ideas and publications.

There may be a version of me someday where twenty two feels small.

I hope someday I am writing about twenty two hundred people or twenty two thousand people.

But I do not want the woman who gets there to diminish the woman sitting here…

Because this twenty two matters.

The strange part is that even as everything started feeling lighter, there was still a little part of me that had gotten used to bracing. I had been under pressure for so long that feeling this much joy, this much lightness, just felt a little unfamiliar.

I think my life had shifted before my body fully caught up to it. There wasn’t anything I needed to solve in that moment, and I didn’t want to rush past it by immediately thinking about what was next.

I just wanted to sit there and let it feel good. And weirdly, even that has taken a little intention.

I have always been someone who notices signs. Alignment, God, faith, divine timing…I notice.

11.11 has been a significant number for me for years. My biological father passed away on November 11th, and there are other pieces of that story that have made the number feel connected to him and to my own path in ways that are still hard to explain.

But then sometime in the last year 818 started to show up.

Like... everywhere.

I would look at the clock and it was 8:18. Morning, night, random moments throughout the day. I saw it soo often that eventually I almost became numb to it. At first I literally remember thinking, why do I keep seeing the tequila branding everywhere? lol.

But it kept showing up.

Eventually I looked it up, and so much of what is associated with 818 is abundance, trust, alignment, new chapters, walking your path. Basically everything I felt like I was moving through.

Maybe it is coincidence.

Maybe... most likely it is not.

So when I was choosing a date to start the Accelerator, August 18th just felt right. I liked 8/18, I liked what the number had come to mean to me, and practically, it gave me enough time to prep and launch. (tbh I also like how it looked)

We had our first call on 8/18..

Afterward, I downloaded the recording, threw it into my editor to clean up some dead space, and went to upload it for everyone.

The file number was 0818.

I just stared at my computer...

You know when something happens that feels so perfectly timed that your next thought is basically, wait, is this even real?

It was one of those moments.

Such a tiny thing. Probably meaningless to anyone else. But to me, it felt like another wink.

And lately, there have been a lottttt of winks.

There is something about coming out of a deeper season that makes you appreciate what is in front of you differently.

I have had exciting seasons before. I have launched things, watched ideas work, made money, hit milestones. This is not the first time life has felt good.

But, I think I am taking it in, differently… this time.

I am actually trying to stop long enough to recognize it while I am here.

Because I know myself. I can hit one goal and almost immediately start thinking about the next one. I can get twenty two people into something I created and already start imagining what twenty two hundred looks like. I love that about myself. I love that I dream big and that there is always something else I want to build.

I just do not want the future to make what is happening right now feel small.

That is something I kept thinking about sitting at the park.

Be where your feet are.

I say this to myself all the time, but I’ve been practicing it more intentionally lately.

I know there is so much more ahead of me and still be really proud of where I am. I can want twenty two thousand one day and be completely blown away that twenty two women trusted me today.

Those things do not compete with each other.

I do not have to make the current version of my life smaller just because I have a bigger vision for it.

And maybe that is what I am trying to get better at. Enjoying the view during the climb.

Sitting by the water because I want to sit by the water. Looking at the sparkles. Feeling proud. Letting something feel good without immediately turning it into the next thing I need to accomplish.

That is really why I recorded this week’s podcast episode from the park.

I wanted to capture myself in the actual moment.

You can hear the boats, the water, music playing somewhere behind me, and at one point you can literally hear me get distracted by Eminem.

It is definitely the more rambling version of this article, but I kind of love that.

The podcast is what it felt like while I was sitting there.

Writing this is me understanding a little more of the why.

Gratitude is not only something I want to actively reach for when life feels hard. I want to soak it in when life feels really, really good.

I know there is more ahead of me.

I hope there is a day when twenty two feels tiny compared to what I have built, but never less significant. I want to be able to come back to this version of myself and remember how big this felt.

Because it is big.

This is where my feet are right now.

And there is so much here to be grateful for.

with love,

Jaz

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