Mollie asked me to write about the chapter of this new book that I found the most difficult to write. Maybe it was one on my mom, or perhaps the thread of dating throughout. It’s hard for me to remember from this side of things because the storylines carry across chapters. What really hit hardest was editing the first time around.
My therapist asked me what it was like to be so vulnerable in print. It has to be hard, she said. And I said no, and then reconsidered. Because I’ve practiced being vulnerable in public over the last decade in my vlog, I’ve never really thought about doing so in a book as any different. But perhaps it is. You’ve got to work a little harder to get the tone right. You can’t unpublish it like you can a video - the copies that are out there are forever out there
And dealing with trauma is something that really renders you vulnerable. Doing so in public might really get things to another level. When those traumas have infused a thread of shame into the core of your being, it only makes it that much riskier. And where I could walk away from each chapter as I wrote it, coming back when I was ready and taking my time, editing all happened at once. Reading the whole thing in one go was a totally different experience. It wrecked me for a couple of weeks.
And I think that was really what was hardest about this whole thing. On the one hand it was a painful but useful exercise in trauma therapy. On the other I often found myself thinking A) I’m really glad I’m so far down this path now, and B) who really wants to read about that journey? Can’t we all just be happy I’m here and leave it at that?
But I keep coming back to this idea that there are a few people out there, five for some reason, who need to read this book as much as I needed to write it. And that got me through the moments of self doubt or wanting to chuck it in a trash compactor. There are fun chapters, embarrassing moments, and plenty I wish had never happened, but it got me to where I am. I guess that makes it worth it.
I hope it makes it worth a read.
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