Diary Comic 7/20

As I mentioned last week, I am in the throes of trying to get at least one teeny tiny toe grip on several different project ideas that downloaded into me at the same time, something that happens with enough frequency for me to finally recognize as likely hormonal. Over the years I’ve heard a lot of people talk about their cycles bringing forth a surge of energy that peaks right after they have experienced the blight of vigour that the beginning of a bleed often accompanies, but I never noticed that energy surge in myself. I’m recognizing now that maybe what comes to other people as an “energy surge” enters my body as what I like to call Maker Mania, a condition in which I am transported from a mere regular ass human to a Capital A Artist, so suddenly and deeply overwhelmed by her own genius ideas that she can barely figure out where, when and how to start implementing them.

The wildest thing about my Maker Mania isn’t so much the download itself, nor the fact that the concepts come in such abundance that there is no way to invest in all of them equally, but rather the fact that it coincides with an absolute absence of self doubt, insecurity or Imposter’s Syndrome. I get inspired all the time, but I often reason myself out of my ideas before I can bring them to fruition (it’s been done before, it will take too much time, I don’t know enough about this one aspect to make it good, I tried something like it before and it didn’t do well, there won’t be enough people who “get” it). But Maker Mania won’t let me reason myself out of anything. It introduces me to the purest version of myself as an artist, the one who is not pressed at all about how people respond to what I make, couldn’t care less if it has an audience or gets a like, is only interested in making it real so that my brain has room for other downloads in the future. Maker Mania allows me to be bold, with no fear of consequences.

I really like the idea of downloading, which most recently resonated with me at a poetry night where friends were sharing work and talking about being hit with inspiration. Downloading, despite it’s practical name, feels so spiritual, less like I have generated some unique rhythm inside of me that I must translate, and more like I have been gifted the idea by the universe; I’m simply the conduit to mold it into life.

I’ve only seen one psychic in my life, a strange and incredible experience, and one of the most memorable parts of my reading was him saying that he had never met someone like me before, whose sole purpose on this earth was to prosper. He said I had a long line of ancestors trailing behind me, each with something to say, something to make, something they wanted to make alive again, and they all trusted me to realize it here, on this plane of existence. I had told the psychic nothing of myself, nothing of my making or my dedication to living artfully, but he kept talking about tools and using my hands and dresses and velvet and fabric. “I don’t mean to gender you this way,” he said more than once (he is trans), “but I see all this beautiful flowy purple fabric floating around you, all these pretty things, you are awash in them!”

I don’t know exactly how to bridge my so-called prosperity into a comic about my feet in this blog post, but I can tell you that my understanding of my success as a generally happy adult has everything to do with how much I can download at a time and how willing I am to usher that information into something tangible, feel-able, understandable. I am not wealthy in the traditional sense of the word, but I don’t need to be! For I am rich in creative fortitude, affluent in ability, blessed to have the kind of imagination, skillset and patience that work in concert together to bring forth pieces of art that maybe nobody asked for, earthside…but maybe somewhere else far away from this realm, some ancient energetic force is waiting patiently in line to deposit something into the slot of my spirit and see what comes out.

To them, I dedicate this diary comic about my feet. You’re welcome, ancient energetic force. Keep depositing, I’m so curious to see where this goes.