Humanoid robots run a Chinese half-marathon

I once ran a half marathon. It was awful.

There was no feeling of accomplishment. No sense of pride. Just pain. And an unshakable cloud of regret upon standing there at the end, wrapped in stupid tin foil, realizing that I could’ve spent that time doing literally anything else. Like sleeping late. Or eating Funyuns in the tub.

To be fair, I didn’t really train. Not much, anyway. A few longer-than-normal jogs in the weeks leading up to the race. But mostly my preparation was limited to telling people I was going to run a half marathon and letting the dopamine rush of just talking about this future feat-of-whatever blissfully carry my spirits into the morning of the actual event.

But then I actually had to do it. Which was miserable and ill-advised, being that it required me to run 13.1 miles. On purpose.

So, I was mildly empathetic when I learned that, on Saturday, robots were forced to run that same distance in Beijing at this year’s Yizhuang half-marathon. Though a small part of me also appreciates that probably millions of dollars were spent so we could watch machines sprint through the streets and cause their tiny, chafed robot nipples to bleed.

I mean … I assume they have nipples. If I made a robot I would definitely give it nipples. And a cute outfit. Things are weird at home.

These runnin’ robots followed the same course as the human competitors, but stayed on the other side of a parallel divider. For safety, of course, lest one of them becomes sentient and takes out an insufferable dork running in those ridiculous toe shoes.

Another difference. Each robot was supported by a team of human navigators - engineers and operators and what not. And they were also allowed to take pit stops along the way to switch out batteries.

It was a contest of science, where the Sky Project Ultra robot had the competition’s best nonhuman time, finishing in 2 hours, 40 minutes, and 42 seconds. Which is about 30 minutes slower than the average human time.

But fastest time wasn’t the only robot prize. Awards were also given out for endurance, gait design, and most innovative form … which went to the robot who stayed home and did something better its life.

In the end, only 6 of the 21 robots even finished the race. The others either broke down or overheated, and one reportedly snuck off course to barf in a port-a-potty.

Nevertheless, I guess the big takeaway is that we’ve come pretty far with robotics. It was impressive. Cruel. But impressive. And we also learned that technology still has a long way to go before machines truly catch up with human athleticism. At least when it comes to running 13.1 miles.

On purpose.