Congratulations, you’re probably obese now.

You’re probably fat.

At least according to science. Because an updated method for determining weight health now classifies nearly 70% of U.S. adults as obese. The other 30% are just underachievers.

This fun little reality-check came from a new study published in a journal by The American Medical Association. Endorsed by 76 major medical organizations, it sets a modern framework that goes beyond the traditional height-to-weight BMI ratio by also factoring in excess belly fat. And just like that, obesity rates jumped from 42.9% to 68.6%.

Inflation has gotten out of hand.

So that dad-bod you like to celebrate … yeah, you’re actually just a fat fatty.

That’s not a technical term. But it is 2025. Give it a week and it might become official language from Health and Human Services.

Here, though, polite scientists went with a softer term: Anthropometric-only obesity. It’s when your BMI is normal but you still have a flabby midsection.

Alas, you may not need an airline seatbelt extender, but you will fail the “jiggle test.” Which, apparently, is also a new requirement for US military generals.

“Thank you for your 30 years of service. Now pick up your shirt and do the Truffle Shuffle.”

I don’t know if I qualify as obese under this updated “anthropometric-only” classification. But I was definitely a tad overweight by the old metrics. Though I strongly contend it’s all just muscle.

From cows and pigs. Sometimes in the form of bacon.

Sadly, there’s no escaping the headline here: More than 20% of Americans just went from a statistically less concerning weight to being reclassified as obese. But it’s not all bad. The certificate is edible and tastes like birthday cake.

So what actually makes someone OFFICIALLY obese?

Currently, BMI is the go-to primary screening tool used by leading health organizations. Of course, it’s not the sole diagnostic measure of overall health. There’s more to it. That’s why you still have to give blood and pee in a cup and bring a stool sample to the doctor in a ziplock bag even though he insisted five times that it wasn’t necessary and I should stop calling him at home to ask.

But, specific to just obesity, the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control - all six remaining employees - do currently use BMI as the standard threshold classification in adults.

The new study may eventually lead to formalized revisions, especially considering that the 76 professional medical organizations who have endorsed the new classification include The American Heart Association and The Obesity Society. Which sounds like a fun social club with a decent buffet.

OK, what does this mean for you?

Honestly, beyond just wrecking your self-confidence … not much. But, theoretically, qualifying as obese might one day make it easier to get prescriptions for GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic. Mind you, insurance companies will still need to catch up and expand their coverage beyond just those visibly oozing gravy from their pores.

But it’s possible.

Though you still might have to pick up your shirt and do the Truffle Shuffle.