What I had to unlearn...

I believe that because of how we came to be in this place, and by we I mean descendants of Africans of forced migration who find ourselves in different parts of the world, distance is a constant.

There’s distance from each other in familiar rhythms that get distorted by language. Distance to the motherland which is measured in kilometers and currency and also distance from the motherland which is the distance of not knowing who or where exactly that you come from.

But ensconced in that distance is also a kind of permission. Sometimes that looks like relief from the burden of reliving a painful history and instead embracing blessed ignorance and the comfort of re-imagination. Distance can also be a beacon of hope - the supposition that if you were there and not here, you would be better.

Either way, it’s far.

Last year I attempted to cover some distance. To see up close persons whose blood I shared but whose worlds I only understood on the surface. Family, yes. But I’d never spent real time with them, never had opportunity to listen to their silences as well as their words. What I found broke my heart in moments and altered my idea of what family is supposed to mean.

Here’s what I learned:

-people desperately want family

-family requires vulnerability

-trust and vulnerability are built over time

-a benefit of a doubt must be given freely and frequently

-forgiveness

-grace

-faith

There is a tiny space between the idea of family and its practice. That space is traversed often when in close company, the fruit of which we call trust. But without this constant traversal that space is ephemeral and fluctuant. Again and again I experienced the feeling of being taken into their confidence, trusted with their secrets and their pain then witnessing that look - their eyes registering a flicker of regret at their own exposure. It’s a fear we all carry: wanting desperately to be seen but being terrified of it.

It was a poignant time and the things that I learned I’m still learning but perhaps the greatest lesson of all was in just allowing people to be who they are and letting that be enough.

Family, at its best, is an invention of the imagination. Yes, there is the magic of DNA, of facial features mimicked and mirrored. And yes there are ties, but they do not bind by simply existing.

Family is an act of doing as well as being.

And faith is stronger than distance.