Hello fellows!
All to say, I haven’t really shared it here, but for the last long while there has been a part of me feeling utterly miserable. Reasons various, but I want to share what I have done about it in case it helps you in some way.
Tuning in to when there is a reliance on my compliance in order to maintain a relationship and making adjustments as necessary.
I walked every day, focusing on noticing: the bracken, the sunset, the sensation of air on my skin and was rewarded with sunsets like this whilst listening to Madonna’s latest album (which I love!).
I made sure I scheduled in some kundalini yoga and went back to my first love of reading books. This week I read Dufflyn Lammer’s book ‘You had me at bonjour’ in preparation for her coming onto my podcast soon. This is the review I wrote about her book
‘This is a truly brave book, in the best way. Diligently documenting the faith and hard work that is needed in relationships. An honest and humorous account of someone who has deeply worked their own recovery and clearly honours the humanity in everyone she comes into contact with.’
I’m really looking forward to digging into the detail with her! Here’s a sneaky peak of the poem I’ll be sharing during our chat:
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I loved him once,
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I loved him twice,
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I loved him ‘gainst the best advice.
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I loved him like no other could.
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I loved him, just not like one should;
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With boundaries and self care in tact.
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I loved him more than me in fact.
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The eggshells that I trod around
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Were where my self esteem was found,
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But as I fell down to my knees
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I heard a whisper on the breeze.
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“It doesn’t have to be this way.
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This poster child of great dismay,
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Of helpless hopeless hapless woe.
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It’s not about to ‘stay’ or ‘go’.
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Why do you choose a heart that’s scarred?
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What payoff in this love so hard?
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A battle fought? A battle won?
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No battle, child, for we are one.
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What misery you may seek from him
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Is already in a form within.
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Leave him and you’ll find one more
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To bring you back down to the floor.
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This chance you’ve found yourself right now
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Is one to truly find out how
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It’s not his acts that injure you,
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But views within you’re holding true.
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It’s time to turn your life around.
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Now find the help,
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Get off the ground.”
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I loved him once,
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I loved him twice,
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To love him was the best advice.
I began The Artist’s Way again, scrawling morning pages as the sun comes up and tiny murmurings of my poetic voice have been whispering to me again, which is both magical and a relief.
I connected with poetry people, performing at Dorking is Talking as the feature poet last week and running the poetry hub this week in which we celebrated my fellow co-facilitator Gary before he leaves for a new job. We wrote poems of gratitude and listened to one member as she practised reading a poem out loud that she will be reading tomorrow at her son’s wedding.
I created a new course on Insight Timer on how to manage your social media use (I did my thesis on social media addiction and realised I had a lot of knowledge that might help a few folks.) That particular course is not up yet, but I’ll let you know when it is.
And I prepped for a workshop I am running for two days at our local school on mapping our emotional states. It’s going to be such fun; using scarves and pictures and, of course, poems.
Today I recorded a podcast episode with Mohammed Moussa, founder of Gaza Poets Society and Gaza Creative Allies. Last year I help Moe edit his poetry book ‘Where To Lay This Heart’ which is out on ebook 1 August. We spoke about how poetry - and particularly writing poetry in English - gave Moe a place to speak and to grieve for all that he has lost. Our conversation filled my heart as we shared about what it means for both of us to be poets.
Here’s the poem I share in our conversation (we actually ended up both sharing a few!).
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They promised me your viciousness.Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Conjured callous caution as the only rebuke.Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Nuke! Nuke! Nuke!Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
So why do you speak of your Grandma’s falafels?Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Why do you invite people into your home whoText within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Speak of planting bulbs, not bombs?Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
You write of holding hearts, not hate.Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
You speak of flying kitesText within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
To escape the horror of the remnants of bloodlines, rooted in the rubble.Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
You don’t speak of revenge.Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
You only, even now, even still,Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Speak of loveText within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
And grief,Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published
Which is only, and always, love lost, but never let go.We have a choice: to live in our heads - the worry, the catastrophic predictions, the ‘I’ll be happy when’ or to live with our hearts - in the noticing, in the loving, in the walking back home to ourselves.
It’s a decision we get to make every day when the world feels heavy.
It’s a choice I often forget I have, so if you do too, this is your reminder.
Jacky ✨
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