Black Out

ON QUITTING ALCOHOL

It wasn't until I quit drinking that I realized I wasn't drinking to get drunk; I was drinking to black out. Pure, unadulterated escapism. The illusion was that I drank because I wanted to have fun, but it turns out fun was just something that happened along the way to oblivion.

I blacked out a lot. I really didn't think much of it, just something that happened along the way, ya know. However, since I got sober, my fantasies about drinking aren't of a sunny day sharing a drink with friends and loved ones. My daydreams are of Oblivion.

Ohhhh, to go back to that quiet place. Auto-pilot on, the chitta chatta in your mind quietened. It's now just a single voice in there, in that vast expanse of blueish black. It is your voice, but it is primitive. The amount of booze needed to get you to this place means the language center has all but shut down. It's just basics now—yes, no, stop, go. Monkey want a banana? Yes, please.

Some people are afraid of this place. Afraid of losing all control, of letting go. I found it peaceful. To the untrained eye, it might even have looked like I was in some kind of meditative trance when I was at my most fucked up. Completely stripped back, like a monk searching for the self. And isn't that where we are trying to get? To our most essential being.

I loved the blackout—the quiet tranquility it offered was like taking a holiday from everything, especially myself. But the cost was too high, the damage too much to tolerate. You come back from holiday and a tornado has ripped the roof off your house, and you have to clean up the mess. The search is now on for ways to get to that special place without the destructive costs of using booze as the vehicle. Maybe I'll start meditating. Perhaps that is a path that will lead me to the serene state I once sought through excessive drinking.

Trust me, I was serene. Ask anyone. Hahahahaha.

Ask Me Anything

This week some German sounding cunt, shot_schlegl, sends in a question about comedy. Here's his question:

"How do you deal with bombing on stage?"

Enjoy

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