the year of self devotion

i had always thought of myself as someone born to be devoted to another. I was a child full of longing and despair. One who always fantasised becoming someone’s bride. Because i thought someone was coming to save me.

Over time, i found a way to express myself through art, and along this journey, i learned to devote myself to life, to beauty and slowly, found a way back to my own heart. I realised that the only person who can save me is myself.

I turned 32 this month and this past year, i’ve been reflecting on what self-devotion looks like and what it means to ‘love myself’. My approach was very objective; i would pay attention to the way i move through life, trying to notice my actions that would prove that i do, in fact, love myself. Here are a few things i noted down:

-accepting that fluidity is closer to truth than permanence. I don’t know who or what i am, i never will and that is perfectly ok with me

-celebrating my soft heart and protecting the child in me who still seeks wonder, play and tenderness

-balancing my masculine and feminine energies. i used to think of myself as the moon and my past lovers as the sun but now, i want to be both. My first tattoo was the sun and the moon embracing

-prioritising internal alignment over external validation; as an artist sharing my work online, i have to remind myself, every day, to choose embodiment over performance

-learning that i will never be good enough for everyone. Even the future-me may not be 100% proud of the things i’m doing and saying today but that shouldn’t make me live in doubt or hold myself back from singing my song

-asking myself if something is honest instead of asking if it is good enough. How something feels > how it looks

-going for the things i desire without shame or guilt. I am unlearning the lie that desire = sin

-creating and offering choices to myself - saying no because i can. So much of who i am is who i am not

-learning that silence also carries an answer. It has helped me let go and walk away from so many things that were never meant for me

-being present in my body and opening myself to pleasure - giving myself permission to explore things, without needing them to mean anything

-constantly checking if im moving closer to or away from the vision that i have for my life. Returning to myself, when i feel off-track and showing myself grace in moments of weakness