Not all generosity is created equal

I talk about generosity a lot. Like a lot-lot.

It's part of the structural ethos of everything I do and the methodology for business culture and growth that I've spent my career building.

But not all generosity is created equal. And not all people who think (or say) they are being generous actually are.

A client of mine - one of the nicest, most competent people I know - has been working for an entrepreneur who has essentially built her business on the idea of integrity and generosity as core principles. She talks about it all the time. She also talks about how disingenuous it is for people who follow her to continue to ask her for free advice when she shares her wisdom publicly for free in a number of ways.

And she is not paying my client.

Like at all.

My client has done hours and hours of behind the scenes work for this person and has not been compensated. The woman used to pay her, but when business took a downturn, she stopped and made a parade of excuses and rationalizations. She said she just needed extra time. She said she would promote my client publicly and refer her to her audience generously.

Weeks turned into months. A small bill turned into five figures. Not paying for services rendered became the norm because they were “friends”, and my client believed in her. And she's a nice person who doesn't like anger and who struggles with her own value and worth (this is shared with her full approval and consent, btw).

Essentially, the non-paying, integrity-driven charismatic entrepreneur who is so very generous (just ask her, she'll tell you) has manipulated a service provider into supporting their business for imaginary exposure.

Apparently, I have to write a post about this every couple of years.

Exposure is not compensation. Exposure is what good humans offer as a good humaning way of showing gratitude for a well-paid job well done.

It is a way of showing pride and admiration for the people you work with and their hard work. And it also happens to benefit BOTH parties. The referrer looks good when making the referral. It adds to social equity. It says, "I'm a good person who appreciates the efforts of others." So making a referral is already a closed-loop energetic output. There is no debt to be paid. It cannot be represented as currency. If you were a plumber and I gave you a dollar for your services and you literally handed it back, I could not say that said dollar was actually me paying you for unclogging my toilet, could I? I would still need to pay your goddamn bill. But if you did a nice job, I might tell my friends about it.

But I am fully aware that plumbers can't pay their mortgage with compliments.

So there's two things happening here. The first is that anyone who asks you to work for free or for referrals or for exposure is a narcissistic asshat who believes their work and their needs are inherently of more value than yours.

Second, the sheer audacity of publishing about how generous they are, as content to build their business, while failing to pay someone who you know is reading said content, is just deeply insulting.

Let me be clear. I am not perfect at this. None of us are. I stand up for my work and its value because I spent years learning how to do that (the really hard way), and I give what I can when I can to whom I can.

The keyword there is can.

I know the limits of what I can give and to whom. And I never (ever) give with any expectation of return. I encourage a balanced exchange when appropriate. But giving is always my choice. I'm not manipulated into it. If someone has a need that doesn't line up with my capacity, I say no. It's a complete sentence.

And I never ever (ever) disrespect an imbalanced power dynamic by asking for free work from someone who looks up to me.

Generative generosity acknowledges and respects power dynamics and encourages an increase in mutual capacity for paying gifts forward. Asking someone to give at their own expense is not generosity, it's greed. It's theft. It's taking advantage of a lop-sided power center that you either aren't acknowledging exists ("She could have said no.") or are choosing to leverage for your own gain ("My work is so important, people should want to give me their time to be a part of my brilliance.").

[Disclaimer before you read this next bit: I didn’t make the rules. I didn’t create the circumstances I’m about to outline. I’m talking about them BECAUSE it’s an uncomfortable topic that needs a lot more daylight than it gets. So this is not ego talking, it’s an acknowledgement of a reality that doesn’t get discussed enough, so it continues to proliferate.]

If I hire a VA who has read everything I have ever written and who has listened to every episode of my podcast, there is an undeniable power dynamic (I have more, they have less, because they have an inherent desire to please someone they respect) at play. They want me to hire them because they think I'm great. That means they will compromise their needs and desires rather easily. They can be persuaded to take less money, work shittier hours, and do tasks they really don't want to. In short, someone who idolizes you is easier to manipulate and take advantage of. Capitalism is built on this. Experienced business owners, leaders, managers, and bosses know this. The good ones look for ways to lift those who look up to them. They know they have power and they respect it. They look out for those who look up to them. They pay them what they're worth instead of the absolute least they can get away with.

Generosity is only generous when it is generative. Meaning it is increasing both the giver and the receiver's capacity for more giving in the future.

So one more time for those in the cheap seats...

If you can't afford to pay people well, you can't afford to hire people. Your business is not stable. You are not ready. And before you ever ask someone for help that they usually get paid for, ask yourself if Sheila the plumber would stick her arm in your septic tank in exchange for free hugs.

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