Sovereign Melon Capability - the Cantaloupes Of The Willing

Wonderful news for Australian taxpayers. Hot off the press from Canberra.

The Albanese government has reportedly earmarked $1.5 billion for an Imperial Melons Farm to be drawn from new $10 billion Pissed Against The Wall Fund. This is the twin sister of the Future Made In Australia Fund.

The timing of this new fund and investment is immaculate.

The government arrived at a national melon strategy near the same time two gift melons from Japanese Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi has fallen into a diplomatic incident.

Because Prime Minister Albanese has appalling judgement, the logical solution to clean up his mess is not to apologise but to grow Australian melons under the policy of Sovereign Melon Capability.

As a sign of solidarity.

Treasurer and Chief Melon Head Jim Chalmers declared that through the new Pissed Against The Wall Fund, the government will de-risk a critical gap in the national cucurbit supply chain.

Now, the Prime Minister will always have access to cheap, subsidised melons, no matter the status in the Straits of Hormuz.

To implement this policy, a new Melon Taskforce will be established. It will be supported by the Office of Melon Coordination, with its 11 staff, 4 seconded from the Department of Vibes. International study tours will be required.

Treasury will provide modelling support meaning that the true cost will probably triple.

A $40 million Melon Readiness Assessment has been prepared by Labor-aligned consultant and lobbying firm BS Strategies.

Food production is a priority of the Albanese government.

Late last year the National Reconstruction Fund put $45 million behind Arnott’s so Tim Tams could conquer Britain, a company owned by the American private equity giant KKR and not Australian owned since 1997.

Before that, $36 million to Patties Foods, maker of the Four’N Twenty pie, owned by PAG out of Hong Kong.

$1.5 billion. A first harvest of maybe 300 melons. Do that arithmetic and the Tomago bailout will sound a bargain.

And as an added bonus, PM DJ Albo can offer his special melons to Italian Prime Minister Georgia Meloni.