Why Intimacy Can Fade From Your Relationship (and how to bring it back)

When intimacy disappears from a relationship, it rarely vanishes overnight. For most couples, it fades gradually - a gentle rejection here, a misread signal there - until one day you realise you haven’t a clue when you last had sex.

If that sounds familiar, it’s little consolation that you’re far from alone. US research suggests intimacy is a real midlife issue, with almost a third of people aged 50 to 59 reporting they’d not had sex in the past year, while 43% said they were not having sex as often as they wanted. But the numbers only tell part of the story.

In researching my latest book - a men’s guide to menopause and midlife relationships - I spoke to couples and experts and heard the same thing time and again. Sex hadn’t suddenly stopped for a single, obvious reason. Instead, it had become more complicated, more inconsistent and, in many cases, totally absent - without either partner understanding why.

For women, perimenopause and menopause can change the rules of intimacy. Their bodies may feel different. Their sleep may be wrecked. Their confidence may have taken a hit. Sex may feel uncomfortable, unpredictable or emotionally complicated. Meanwhile, men can also suffer in silence, wrestling with feelings of rejection or confusion, or worrying about making things worse.

Sex, silence and self-doubt
When sex goes AWOL, it’s easy to assume something is seriously wrong. With you. With your partner. Or with the relationship itself. After all, this may once have been the part of your relationship that felt most easy, exciting and enjoyable. So when desire dips, or intimacy feels awkward, uncomfortable or embarrassing, doubts creep in. You both know you’re no longer on the same page, but don’t know how to talk about it. Over time, silence hardens into pressure and distance.

The reality is that most couples aren’t avoiding sex because they don’t care about each other. It’s because life’s got in the way and you’re both trying to reconnect from completely different places.

Often the issue isn’t attraction, love or commitment. It’s rhythm. For many men, sex is the fastest way to feel connected again. So they go looking for the sizzle. For many women, especially during perimenopause and menopause, it tends to work the other way round. They need to feel relaxed, emotionally connected, seen, supported and on the same team. They need time to simmer.

The sizzle versus the simmer is where couples start to misread one another. He makes a pass hoping to create closeness. But she first needs that closeness before intimacy feels possible. Nobody’s wrong. The destination is the same, but the journey there is very different. Once you both understand that, a lot of the rejection, confusion and crossed wires start to make more sense.

All-or-nothing thinking kills passion
Another mistake is treating penetrative sex as the main event - or the only thing that counts. So if that’s not happening, it can feel like intimacy isn’t happening at all.

But for many women, penetrative sex can start to feel uncomfortable or even painful because of hormonal changes that affect lubrication, sensitivity and tissue health. If that’s the only version of intimacy on offer, it’s easy to see why desire starts to drift.

If sex has started to hurt, or if either of you is worried it might hurt, this reluctance isn’t rejection - it’s information. It’s the body saying that the original script may need an update.

So put more on the menu. Intimacy doesn’t have to follow the same plan every time, and it doesn’t have to end in a certain way. First, second and third base all count, and when you widen the definition of sex and make it easier to say yes, things can start to feel more natural again. You’re not trying to get back to how sex used to be - you’re working out what works for you both now.

Talk about what you enjoy outside of the bedroom, when there’s no pressure or expectation. A good place to start is to each suggest three things you’d like to revisit or try. No pressure, no judgement, just a few ideas to restart the conversation - and reignite your connection.

If you have any questions, thoughts or feedback, I’d genuinely love to hear from you. And if this resonates, feel free to pass it on to someone who might need it.

Not feeling as happy, healthy or connected as you’d like to be - or hoped you’d be by now? I work one-to-one with men and women, and deliver practical, straight-talking talks for organisations on menopause, men’s health and relationships. Find out how I can help on my website.

Joe