Regulated, responsive, remade

“Mothers are incredible to watch because they are highly regulated and highly responsive.”

A wise woman said this to me, and I felt deeply edified.

This is exactly what the assignment of motherhood feels like in the first years.

There is a connection that begins at conception.

I handed over the keys of my consciousness for a full rewire, and returned with a connection to another soul that is obliteratingly and profoundly woven into the fabric of my being.

The first time I left the house from my postpartum bubble, I noticed everything else became background noise.

All of my senses were so tuned to my daughter that they didn’t really feel like my own anymore. Like being underwater.

It took a full year before that started to become less overwhelming.

Today, as I watched my daughter eat the ice cream she had successfully negotiated for, I wondered how many parenting rules I had just broken — and how confusing my boundaries must be if a person one-third my size can persuade me to reverse my leadership decisions.

Then a sudden wave of anticipatory grief hit me.

She is chatting away into her hard-earned ice cream in childlike gibberish, with a few real words thrown in, and I suddenly remember that she won’t always be this small.

Right now our relationship is moving through a major threshold.

One where we start communicating much more with words and relying less on this ineffable connection that we have shared for almost 2 years.

The same connection that has stretched my capacity in a multitude of ways.

The dyad that I know my future self will look back on as the most wonderful gift from God.

Grieving the version of her that will forevermore be pressed into the corners of my heart.

Grieving the moments when, in my busyness, I forgot to embrace every last drop.

Becoming a mother means learning to remain emotionally, physically, and energetically receptive, while also serving as the regulating force.

Every day, my daughter inspires me to be more present.
More well-nourished.
Better rested.
Slower in pace.
Quieter of mind.
Fortified of spirit.
Open of heart.

Becoming a mother opened me to God because there is no way I could do all of this alone.

I am just a human woman, mothering.

Kneeling before God, praying.

Prayers for grace to be a regulated and responsive mother.
Prayers of repentance.
Prayers for fortitude.
Prayers for protection.
Prayers for loved ones and adversaries.
Prayers to be shown where God is working in my life.
Prayers for the strength to let go where He isn’t.