I am 1 whatsapp notification away from fleeing to Argos, flicking through their interactive catalogue (that must be more germy than most toilet seats - ~just OCD things~), and buying myself a landline. A proper, sturdy one, no frills, no touch screen, infact, a screen no bigger than a custard creme. Plugging it in to whatever it goes into, getting out a notepad and writing down a brief, slightly charismatic voicemail message then forcing my unwilling fiancé to read every other line with me.
‘Hey - you’ve reached Holly & Rory here. By some miracle we’re actually out the house, haha! Please let me know what the fuck you want after the tone :)’
Being contactable at all times. You can tell me to put my phone away, to say I only check it between x & y times, but deep down, everyone knows I’ve seen their message. There is absolutely no chance ever that ‘god sorry just seen this!’ is actually true, and every person on planet earth knows that. I hate there is no respite, it feels like a tiny, anxiously attached toddler. You can tell me I can have a break from it, but I can’t. It’s my responsibility.
It’s never ‘done’. I put in my to-do’s to reply to friends, like hearing about their gorgeous hen-do or fantastic new job offer is some sort of grinding work task. Once I finally get the courage to open Whatsapp web up, and fire off replies like I’m emailing colleagues, there is a brief moment of relief. I’m talking seconds. Then all the shit you’ve flung out, boomerangs and hits you right back in the face. Everyone’s replied. Even worse, someone’s trying to live text. Why does this feel like you’re standing face-to-face, noses touching, eyelashes interlocked, trying to make convo at the speed of light
There’s too much room for error. What does the tone of your message mean? Do you think the sun shines out my arse, or hate my fucking guts? Is that emoji sarcastic or genuine? Is that a ‘lol’ that means we can laugh at this situation or is that a ‘lol’ that insinuates this situation is so dire you’ll never emotionally recover from it? I feel like Alan Turing trying to break the Enigma code. Then when it comes to my reply - how on earth do I make sure you don’t misread it? I don’t. I’d say I hit send and hope for the best, but there’s no hope there whatsoever, just dread. Dread and fear until I get a reply that either backs up that I’m the worst person on planet earth, or I’m briefly relieved my inability to read social cues hasn’t been exposed.
WHY DO GROUP CHATS NOT LET YOU GO INCOGNITO. I (as any sane person would) have online/offline, read receipts and anything else that makes me in anyway traceable turned firmly off. However, to my absolute Horror my fiancé Rory informed me it still shows when I’ve read a message in a group chat. PARDON ???? That’s the LAST place I want that to be occuring ?? How am I meant to hide in the shadows and pretend I haven’t seen a proposed plan until one of my three favourites of the group have agreed to go under these circumstances ????? Also mortified at how many ‘just seen this!’ I’ve said in vain thus far in my little pathetic life.
I’m not even going to go into voicenotes. Well I am but I feel like everything about these rancid things has been said. I HATE that I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. Atleast with a message I can get the vibe, a voicenote I have to hear straight from the horses mouth. I also presume every single voicenote is someone telling me I’ve just accidentally gone live on Instagram whilst taking a shit, or that everyone in my friendship group hates me? My brain will never conclude it’s probably just my friend updating me on her situationship, which I can entirely handle. Why on EARTH is there not a transcribe feature ?????? Help me ?????????
Like I said earlier, we all get landlines. Talk live, or leave a voicemail. That’s it
We go back to MSN - both online? Let’s chat. Offline? Leave me alone. Also appearing offline - that was ahead of it’s time
I somehow disappear underground for 15 years, everyone forgets I exist and moves on. Once I reappear I’m off everyone’s messaging rotation
Has anyone successfully actually put anything in place for this phenomen? I see cute phone wall holders on Pinterest, but surely you’re writing a Substack about ‘GoInG AnAloGue’, using that for one week then getting ‘???’ messages and just sacking it off. Sorry that was bitchy. I’m just jealous if that’s working for you. Pls tell me your secrets in the comments.
I’m pleased that’s all out of my system. That’s all from me today.
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Kisses
Holly xx
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