"Everyone Has a Friend Group Except Me!"

Hi everyone,

I have a few friendship questions for you today but I’ll start with a simple one:

Do you have a friend group?

I don’t anymore, but I used to. I’ve had four in total. Two ended with devastating friendship breakups — the first in seventh grade, the second sometime between freshman and sophomore year of college. I don’t remember exactly what happened with that one.

Today on the podcast, I answer a letter from a 50-year-old listener who has never been part of a group. She wonders: “Am I missing out on something special?”

My answer is yes and no.

Yes: When I see my high school friend group get together in my OG Bestie’s new house, back in our home state where many of them still live, smiling for the camera with their babies and beers and Friendsgiving food on paper plates, I recognize that it’s special for them.

And no: You can’t miss out on something that was never right for you, even if it looks shiny and sweet for other people. The group itself was never the special part for me — it was a few people inside the group who made me feel a sense of belonging. That was true when I was 17 and technically “in” the group, and it’s true now at 32 when I’m not.

If you’re reading this, (ily,) would you please give it a “heart” at the bottom right now? Your engagement helps new people find Hello Hayes on Substack. Thank you for your help!

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Here are a few questions to get your brain going:

• What images, feelings, or memories does “friend group” bring up for you?

• If you have a friend group: What’s one re-occuring source of “drama,” if you will?

• Do you believe friend groups get healthier with age, or do the same old dynamics show up?

• If you could design a friend group from scratch today, what values or dynamics would matter most?

• What did friend groups mean to you when you were younger, and how has that changed as an adult?

Reply in the comments or to this email to be featured in our next audience round-up.

Feel free to ask and answer your own questions, too!

Talk soon,
Hayes