A Script for Navigating an "Uneven Friendship" Conversation

Imagine receiving a text like this:

“Hi! I feel like I’m putting more effort into this friendship than you are. I hate to bring this up but it’s been eating at me. Can we talk?”

In some cases you’d nod in recognition: they’re right, you’re sorry. But this time you’re annoyed. In your eyes, you’re giving exactly the amount of effort you’re capable of. Maybe even the amount you want to give.

How do you reply?

If you’re a professional Good Friend,1 you might just smooth things over. You’ll apologize and commit to behaviors you know you can’t sustain. And while it feels good in the moment to avoid hurt feelings, there’s a cost to that kind of dishonesty — both to you and to the person you’re allegedly being a good friend to.

So what’s the alternative?

We brainstormed some scripts on the podcast this week, after our letter writer asked how to set boundaries with an old friend who hasn’t taken any hints and sent “a multi-paragraph text message to say I haven’t put in enough effort.”

Here’s one script I shared in the episode. Feel free to borrow or make it your own:

“I understand what you’re saying and I’m really sorry. I know things are different and that my life has changed a lot. I care about you but I’m not able to be the same friend I was back then.”

Quick thoughts on the “I’m sorry” in there: Even if you’re not sorry for your behavior, you can be sorry for the way the behavior made someone else feel. I am PRO saying sorry for hurting someone’s feelings, even when you’re not “at fault,” per se. If that rubs you the wrong way, you can always omit it.

I asked our community how they think about these conversations — whether this level of directness is necessary, how they’ve handled it, what’s worked and what hasn’t. Here’s some of what you shared:

⭐ “I’m not sure I want to be friends with people who would put me in this situation where I need to be this direct. Am I avoidant? Maybe. But these are just not my people, because this trait takes more forms than sending this type of message. A friend who paragraph cornered me like this, I couldn’t regain a sense of security and ease in that relationship. I think you can ruin any relationship by saying too much.”

⭐ “As the friend who has had to initiate this kind of conversation, one of the things I’ve noticed is that, for some people, having a large circle of friends is a source of pride. Being told that they’re not doing it as well as they thought they were can feel very insulting.”

⭐ “I don’t know how you could say this to someone without devastating them…even though I feel this way in some of my friendships.”

⭐ “I once had a long-distance bestie who would complain and look to me for advice about their toxic partner, then break up with them, then get back together, and the cycle continued over and over. At first I was happy to help but eventually it became extremely draining. Even after setting boundaries around talking about their partner, this friend would continue to send paragraphs and paragraphs about it. Eventually I distanced myself, giving shorter responses, though not unfriendly, and eventually the friend sent a (very long) text asking where our friendship stood. I don’t know that I handled it perfectly. Sometimes I wish I had been more explicit as to why I couldn’t show up for them the same way. I said something about how in my experience, friendships ebb and flow (and I do believe this). That I’ll always consider them a friend, but right now I am needing space to focus on other things. It was definitely the right choice for me. But it was still heartbreaking and felt shitty.”

⭐ “When conflict arises in friendships, you have to consider whether resolving the conflict is worth it. Yes, the price of community is inconvenience, but if these aren’t people you really want in your community, it’s okay to make the decision to stop the friendship.”

⭐ “I think if you let a friendship get to the point of this conversation, you’ve let the dynamic go on for too long. When I meet someone I want to be friends with, I pretty quickly adjust my expectations based on: my capacity for new friendships at the time, my perception of their capacity and their need for friends, our common interests, and how our personalities gel. If I think an uneven dynamic would occur going forward, I know to pull back.”

⭐ “I had a friend a few years ago who was extremely confrontational about everything. I’ve always been someone who was okay with friendships fading and changing, but when I tried to put distance between us she would confront me about it and say I wasn’t a good friend. Eventually I had to fully ‘breakup’ with her because I didn’t know what else to do and I truthfully was okay with not being her friend. This was a couple years ago, and although I feel so free and less anxious without her in my life, I still wish I handled it differently. I think I’m hung up on the fact that I feel like I was being MEAN by telling her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m not sure there’s a way to breakup with a friend without it feeling mean to the other person.”

If you missed the episode, you can listen here:

That’s it for now!

Talk soon,

Hayes

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