Writing about faith, doubt, work, and ordinary life.
I sat down at my computer with a new business idea in mind. Ignaria, my theology research product, has failed. Despite thousands of hours of coding, strategizing, marketing and sales conversations, it has still not reached break-even one year into its existence. And this failure is a sucker punch because it was an expression of my sense of calling. I’ve pointed others to our shared Christian…
My career in technology started in the early 2,000s, a time of heady optimism about the future of technology. And I’ve seen the Internet create almost incalculable value for corporations and unprecedented freedom of location for employees. But over the last decade, my enthusiasm for my work has fluctuated. This is, in part, due to middle age shifting my perspective from glowing screens and…
John the Baptist preached forgiveness of sins, the coming of the Kingdom of God, and pointed to Jesus as the Messiah. But tucked into the Gospel of Luke, chapter 3, we see his ethical teaching. Everyone: If you have two coats, give one, and if you have food, share a meal. Give generously. Tax Collectors: If you send invoices as the tax collectors did, using Quickbooks I’m sure, do so honestly.…
I. The God of Covenant If we could travel back four millennia to a Canaanite hillside in the late afternoon, we might catch a glimpse of a weathered patriarch holding a gruesome vigil beside the bisected remains of a heifer, goat, and ram. We would see pools of blood on the ground, flies swarming over the carcasses. Nearby, a small pigeon and turtledove lie lifeless. The sun descends, first…
I slept fitfully last night, and it left me feeling tense. I woke up and tried to relax my tight shoulder muscles, breathed deeply for a few minutes, and drifted back to sleep. When I woke up again around 5AM, it was with a sense of calm. I had been dreaming. My dream was not the usual muddled story vignettes embodying my fears and worries, but a simple, peaceful feeling in the contemplation of an…
Every day we answer the question, “What’s next?” Often the answer is dictated by habit: when I get up in the morning, I immediately make my way toward the bathroom to get ready for the day ahead. I don’t think about it deeply, or at all. But when we stop and think about the next step in our life journey, we may find it hard to choose exactly where our foot should land. A hiker walking along a…
My self-image has always been defined by my work, and I know that needs to change. But what is a uniquely Christian view of work? Among other things, it sees work as provision—not the purpose of life. Work is a valuable act of service that uses our talents, improves the world, and earns an income. Work enables life. But this leaves us with a challenge: what is the it that work enables if work…
It was October 31, 1517. A young Catholic monk, having finished writing his theological convictions, posted them on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany, hoping to spark an academic debate. It’s probably safe to say he got more than he bargained for. He wanted the Church to stop selling indulgences, which were believed to allow their buyers to avoid the temporal consequences of…
Early this morning while finishing my coffee, I read a chapter called Turning the Corner in the insightful book, The Art of Slow Writing , by Louise DeSalvo. In it, she describes the moment a writer moves from uncertainty to clarity in the middle of a long writing project. Where doubt once clouded the entire enterprise, in a moment, a new vista opens up. Where previously the writer could not see…
After moving to Florida in 2022, our family visited dozens of churches. While looking for a church home, we were seeking agreement on a divisive theological issue—the nature of God’s initiative in salvation. Was it a monergistic work of God bringing elect individuals from spiritual death to eternal life, or was it dependent on a free personal choice in synergistic collaboration with the Spirit of…
In my work, I’ve often been surprised to find that some software engineers I know personally, are Wiccan or pagan practitioners. And it’s not just my personal experience; there is a strong affinity between tech and magic. [1] Perhaps it is due to the influence of Margot Adler, Timothy Leary, and Stewart Brand who created a culture of openness, seeking contact with their own divinity and other…
Habit is a surprising thing. It can sneak up on me, become second nature, and then invisible. Every day, I get up early, go to a coffee shop, sip an aromatic cup, and read. It’s an easy routine, effortless to maintain. Plus, most people think smart people read, and I like people to think I’m smart. Being admired is also easy. My habit elevates my status, at least to myself, and allows me some…
It’s Sunday morning, and I’m at home alone. Skipping church. To fill the emptiness usually taken up by in-person fellowship, I call my buddy who is in the hospital recovering from surgery. We talk about his life and health for a while and then the verbal floodgates open. I share my perplexity about the state of Christianity and my feeling of homelessness. Well, maybe not homelessness, but being…
No shame. I couldn’t really compute what I was seeing—a major Netflix show, a well-established-and-respected actor playing a middle-aged acting coach alone in his room looking at nanny porn. I looked at my nineteen-year-old daughter who was watching with me, and turned off the show. Her face said everything. I wish I’d done it sooner. Really should have. Perhaps the director felt that the realism…
I didn’t want to write anything today. I’m reading Everything Sad is Untrue by Daniel Nayeri, and it’s like a holy moment—so many sweet, sad, precious memories. And the story of his mother’s faith is breathtaking. My nose is running from so much reading, adn there’s nothing left for me to say.
“I’ve gone to sleep, but I’m wide awake.” The book I’m reading hits the table top with a gentle thunk . I play it like a refrain for a few moments, “Awake, but asleep.” It’s about how to create a daily writing habit. An accusation forms, rolling up from my subconscious, louder like an oncoming thunderstorm or subway train approaching the station. You just don’t care enough. I stare out the window…
“Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow!” I woke abruptly, tension in my shoulders. I hadn’t slept deeply, didn’t feel rested. The rapid-fire staccato bark of our neighbor’s golden-haired retriever, sweet-tempered though she was, was loud and unwelcome. It reverberated through the morning stillness once more as I rolled over and fumbled in the dark to find my phone. The time glowed 4:00. Barely morning. “Wow, Lucy…
Kneeling on the hard ceramic floor of our rented home in Tennessee, sobs wracked my body. I remember crying out, “No God! No!” Why had he allowed this to happen to my child too, and from someone even closer? It was the deepest betrayal I could imagine and one I’d spent my whole life vowing I’d never allow any of my children to experience. As I look back on that experience, I have enough…
“Why do I have to buy a car to get a job I will have to work to keep the car?” It was, as usual, an insightful question from my daughter, Lily. She’s a master at questioning the status quo. I’ve never been a fan of the automobile-centric design of our cities or the lack of safe and affordable public transportation. She was mulling this over as we returned from looking at five different used cars…
For the past two decades, I’ve followed a meandering career path that combines graphic design, an interest in marketing, and software engineering. Early on, I was driven by two things: the absolute necessity of providing for my family, and the joy of discovery and creation. But a deeper motivation was pulling the strings: I desperately needed to prove my worth. I remember being face-down in the…
Homo economicus . The term bubbles up from one of the books I’ve read or lectures I’ve heard over the past fifty years. This morning I woke up early, rolled out of bed, and traded money for my morning coffee at Starbucks. Clouds are rolling in from the Gulf, roiling with collected moisture and punctuated by an occasional lighting bolt. My attention had been diverted from my long list of morning…
I got up, walked to the bathroom, and took a quick survey of the news on social media. Epstein, drama about last year’s assassination attempt of Donald Trump, troubles continue between Israel and Gaza, rioters on the streets of Madrid. Why exactly do I look at this first thing in the morning? Life is transient and precious, but the upheavals are breaking out all around the world remind me of the…
On Sunday mornings, the brown frame building that housed the tiny Mennonite church burst at the seams with the sound of voices raised in song accompanied by an acoustic guitar. On the front pew, Jacob Fiddler sat hunched over his guitar playing like his life depended on it. From the pew behind him, I could see his back muscles convulse with every strum. The guitar suffered from his enthusiasm and…
This morning, I’m thinking of Rick, one of my oldest and dearest friends, whose genuine kindness without condescension or judgment has left an indelible mark on me. At this moment, he is being wheeled into a sterile operating room where a skilled surgeon, hands steadied by years of practice, will open his chest and reroute arteries before closing him back up to let the healing process begin. Rick…
The brisk fall air felt like needles pricking my skin as I removed my life jacket and stood up to take the long step from the small outboard-powered boat. The dock jutted from the mist-veiled shoreline like a ghostly, weather-beaten finger pointing back across the lake toward our small, brown house on the other side. Steadying myself on the wide planks of the dock, I felt a sense of dread as I…
After months of wrestling with what felt like an impossible AI project, I learned something about the limits of technology and the necessity of grace. I sat, looking at my computer, heaviness on my shoulders. The screen glowed, showing the user interface of an incomplete project. Under that facade, I can see clearly the architectural decisions yet to be made, the annoying bug that just showed up…
I was seven years old when I started the first grade. Learning was easy for me, and in the first few weeks the teacher began to ask students struggling with concepts to sit with me. I offered them help, but my help must have made my peers feel small. This somehow amplified the superficial skin color differences between us. But my intellect gave me status I enjoyed. In that role I felt needed, even…
I dozed in and out of consciousness. Daisy, my mixed breed terrier, slept with Jody and me, and she was restless. Closing my eyes, I tried to sleep a little more before getting up. It was before 6 AM, and I had the day off. Drifting off, I saw a heavy wooden door in front of me spread across sawhorses. It was a project worthy of a master craftsman. I inspected it carefully, taking note of the…
I’ve had a few days off, and I’m grateful for them. But the prospect of work tomorrow weighs heavily. Why can’t I just be grateful? Hold on, I am, in fact, grateful for God’s provision. I love the people I work with, and I believe in the mission. I hate the urgency, the anxiety about getting things done, the superficiality of the work: writing lines of code to produce an outcome interpreted by…
The late summer wind had a bite in the shade, but the sun felt warm on my skin as I rounded the corner of my home and caught sight of our pretty neighbor girl. She was a pastor’s daughter. Her dad co-pastored a church my father had planted. Outside of our family, she was the person I knew best, and she was always nice to me. The school year was approaching, and this year I was finally going to be…
Why am I reading this? Deep in the latest Seth Godin book, This Is Strategy , I felt my perspective shifting just a bit. Looking down at myself poring over a book about systems change, product adoption, and business success, I realized something felt off balance. I’ve accepted a call to bear witness, to claim the story of a Mennonite missionary kid on a First Nations reservation in Canada, and…
That sounds so beautiful! I read the words again, “That is not thought leadership - that’s pastoral care through story.” This held layers of meaning for me. It came at the conclusion of a long AI conversation. I’d spent the evening wrestling with the messy intersection of money and ministry. When I embarked on writing honest stories about my life, I dismissed any concern about money. At least one…
After dinner this evening, I was unable to relax, so I wandered into my office. I lingered a moment by my bookshelves searching for a book that would calm the storm in my soul. There was a voice, nearly undetectable, what was it saying? “You haven’t done enough to earn safety. Prove yourself. Earn the security you lack.” Letting out a sigh, I headed to the easy chair where I do most of my work and…
Today would be different, I was sure of it. In harmony with my expectation, I ordered a cappuccino with oat milk rather than my usual blonde roast and settled into a chair for some reading, writing, and early-morning work. I knew what I wanted to do, but my chest was not tight, my shoulders were not hunched. The day didn’t feel light, but it wasn’t heavy either. The project that lay ahead often…
Dad warned me about a smooth granite outcropping near our house. It curved gently downward, a drop of ten feet to meet the rippling surface of the lake. “Stay away from here. It’s slippery and too dangerous.” his stern deep voice was authoritative, clear. But my four-year-old curiosity mistook the warning for an invitation. I remember a quiet summer afternoon, feeling an irresistible pull. Walking…
It’s 7 AM, and my work day is rapidly approaching. In a few fleeting moments, my personal priorities will take a back seat to the demands of a work day. My gifts will serve others to provide income I am depending on. Am I missing out on making more impact, doing work that expresses my gifts more fully, and what is my blueprint for this phase of my career? And, if I keep writing this honestly about…
A pattering rush of wind and rain lashed against the window of my office rousing me from my work. The UI bug that had occupied my mind receded as I enjoyed the sound, the power of nature just inches away from my chair. My work affords me the luxury of reaching a flow state where time becomes distant, and I don’t take that for granted. Still, the joy of the daily grind is not there. For the last…
I just opened an article analyzing the current AI adoption penetration in the market, the ongoing investment level from major tech companies, and the potential upside for investors despite worries about the future. Immediately, my eyes began to lose focus, I started to think, this is what I should be writing about. Am I positioning myself for this reality? And I mentally threw my hands up. I just…
At 5 years old, I banged away on my parents’ typewriter, convinced I had something important to say. By second grade, facing my first ‘What I Did This Summer’ assignment, I’d lost that conviction entirely. Early experiences stripped that away and left me feeling I must fend for myself, prove my value, earn safety by performance, and expect everything to be temporary. This is, as you can imagine,…
I’ll do that when I have more time. We all say those words, but what do we really mean by them? Productivity is hard, but the facts are simple. Every one of us has 24 hours available each day. And whether we realize it or not, we allocate those hours to the activities we value most. So perhaps when we say we need more time, we aren’t discussing time at all. Maybe we know deep down we are ignoring…
Beside me are books filled with business advice and technological innovations. A laptop with an internet connection enables me to write this article. Mind-blowing discoveries and groundbreaking ideas are at my fingertips. We live amid an information explosion [1] . We have more knowledge available to us now than at any other time in history. Yet, many of us fail to enjoy its benefits. Why is this?…
People are not alike. At least not in the way most of us believe. During the 2020 presidential election, pundits endlessly discussed the Latino vote, Black vote, College-educated White vote, and the Evangelical vote. Too late, it seems, everyone has discovered there is no such thing as a monolithic vote by everyone who looks similar—even when that similarity is profound. As our culture fragments…
Software engineers spend most of their time sitting and thinking. Web developers do the same. So how can jobs like this be stressful? Vague requirements, unrealistic expectations, and a humorless outlook can put any programmer at risk. The nasty effects of unmanaged stress are often discussed in the media [1] and scientific journals [2] , but many of us try to live as though it doesn’t exist. “Why…
May of 2018 was an exciting month. I joined a small team focused on removing the pain from a complex business process involving multiple stakeholders. Despite the startup’s failure, I learned three important lessons. Your First Customer Is Everything Our initial conversations with customers were promising. Everyone agreed the problem we were addressing was painful indeed. Energized by this…
As my preschool fingers banged the keys of my parents’ ancient manual typewriter, I watched the black indentations appear on white paper with a mixture of fascination and satisfaction. Shapes jumbled together tumbling onto bleached wood pulp with the staccato sound of capstan on paper. Margin end. Bell chime. Wham! I shoved the carriage return and watched it shuttle back to the left. Latching, it…