'I'll just see what happens'...

For our August edition of Midwife Monthly, we are joined by the wonderful Sydney Graves. Sydney is a Midwife and Hypnobirthing Specialist offering midwife led hypnobirthing courses online. This week, she encourages women to explore their fears about birth - as what we think and feel can influence how we respond physically…

Pregnancy can be unbelievably noisy.

There are appointments to remember, things to buy, decisions to make, symptoms to Google, advice you didn’t ask for and birth stories people suddenly feel compelled to tell you.

Everyone wants to know about the baby. Have you chosen a name? Is the nursery ready? When’s your due date? Somewhere underneath all of that, there can be a much quieter thought. But what about me? How am I actually going to do this?

After years of standing beside women through pregnancy, labour and birth as a midwife, that is the question I wish we made more room for. You can be desperately excited to meet your baby and still be frightened of what you have to go through to meet them. You can feel grateful for your pregnancy and overwhelmed by it. You can tell everyone you’re “fine” while quietly wondering whether you’ll cope.

There is a woman here who needs preparing too.

Perhaps your plan is to just “see what happens”. Sometimes that comes from feeling genuinely relaxed about birth. More often than not it’s the only way we know how to cope with something that feels too big to think about, surpress surpress surpress, panic at last minute.

The problem with that is, you don’t leave your mind at the door when labour begins, meaning it is impossible to just forget your fears.

Think about the last time you felt really nervous. Your heart raced, your shoulders tightened and your breath quickened. Nothing physically touched you, yet your body responded to what was happening in your mind.

Birth isn’t as simple as “think positively and everything will be fine”. Of course it isn’t. There are many factors influencing birth that have absolutely nothing to do with mindset. What we think and feel can, however, influence how we respond physically.

This is why I wish we encouraged women to explore their fears rather than simply trying not to think about them.

Maybe you’re frightened of pain. Tearing. Intervention. Losing control. Not being listened to. Something happening to your baby. Maybe you can’t even put your finger on it, you just know birth scares you.

Once we understand what we’re frightened of, we can start doing something with it. This is where hypnobirthing completely changed my own perspective.

Hypnobirthing…

I’ll admit, when I first heard the word “hypnobirthing”, my eyes rolled too. I pictured something hippy-dippy, something completely removed from the birth rooms I knew as a midwife.Then I understood what it actually was.

Hypnobirthing isn’t about pretending birth will be easy or promising women a perfect experience. It recognises that we arrive at birth carrying years of stories, images, expectations and beliefs. Think about it, what do you currently believe birth will be like, and who taught you that?

Films. Social media. Family. The friend who told you her traumatic birth story when you were six weeks pregnant and absolutely did not ask. You’ve been learning about birth for years without even realising it.

Hypnobirthing gives you an opportunity to decide what you actually want to take into the birth room with you. That means learning how labour works, learning how to calm the mind, what the process of labour is within your body. Understanding how your environment can affect how safe and relaxed you feel. Practising breathing techniques before the moment you actually need them. Knowing how to make informed decisions so you feel part of the decision making process and not a passenger.

It also means preparing the person beside you.

If you went into labour tonight, would your birth partner know what helps you feel safe? Would they understand the stages of labour? Would they know the techniques you’ve practised or the questions to ask if things suddenly changed?

If the answer is no, why aren’t we preparing them too?

During labour, you shouldn’t have to carry the mental load of remembering everything, explaining everything and making sense of everything around you. You want to look at the person beside you and know:

They’ve got me.

Your birth partner doesn’t need to become an obstetrician overnight. They need to understand you and birth well enough to support you while you’re busy doing something else: giving birth to your baby.

Preparation doesn’t mean refusing medical intervention either. This is perhaps the misconception I most want to change. Being open to everything, and understanding how to personalise your own journey will hopefully result in a more positive birth outcome no matter what type of birth.

Hypnobirthing is for anyone and everyone, your first birth, fifth birth, a home birth, hospital birth, C - section, any!

Birth can change direction. Sometimes quickly.

This is exactly why I encourage women to think about birth preferences rather than one rigid birth plan. Being prepared doesn’t mean deciding exactly how your birth must happen. It means understanding the different directions it might take and knowing what matters to you within them.

No woman knows exactly how her birth will unfold. You don’t prepare because you know what will happen. You prepare precisely because you don’t.

I want you to ask yourself one more question: What do I need to feel ready to meet them?

Prepare your mind. Understand your body. Practise the tools that will help you. Talk about your fears. Prepare your birth partner. Learn your options.

Not because preparation guarantees the exact birth you imagined, but because it gives you piece of mind that no matter which way your birth goes, you’re aware, you’re open and you’re in control.

Preparation isn’t about controlling birth. It’s about changing how you walk into it.

So that when the day finally comes and you have that surreal realisation, Oh. This is it. I’m having my baby, perhaps your first thought isn’t:

I hope I can cope.

Perhaps it’s: I’ve prepared for this. Let’s meet my baby.