Arsonists. Pyromaniacs that love to watch it all burn to the ground. Intentionally burning houses, vehicles, forests, and other forms of private property these sick fucks gain pleasure from incinerating other people’s possessions. Always intentional never accidental, their motives range from ideological, to destructive vandalism, to excitement. The fire starters are obviously sick, twisted individuals but come from a variety of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. There’s not always a common profile to those that love to set it ablaze.
According to criminologists, arsonists’ occupational backgrounds are usually the trades, mechanical work, the security field, or sometimes homeless vagrants. But that profiling is outdated and so 20th century. Thanks to social media platforms glamorizing structural fires, now everyone could be a possible suspect. It doesn’t have to be a teenager with a zippo or a meth head’s auditory hallucinations telling him he needs to start a warming fire for some demon named Zeth, no pretty much any millennial personality has the potential to be an arson suspect. Some of these people you come in contact with, others you interact with on a daily basis. Let’s take a deep delve into these sick fucks who are always on a mission for ignition.
Here we have Cole. A 29-year-old physician’s assistant from Milwaukee, this young man doesn’t have a criminal conviction to his name. Classified as a bit of a straight-edger, Cole only socially drinks and loves cooking fine Italian food for his girlfriend. Come Friday night’s Cole doesn’t head to the bars or mindlessly sports gamble on his phone, instead he’s scouting out his next target for his traditional fire fetish. After procuring some petrol and a Bic lighter he decides to burn down a few old houses in the Walker’s Point neighborhood. Setting it off and admiring his own handiwork Cole can be seen smirking with satisfaction and having an internal dialogue. The world is a woodpile and it’s up to me burn it. The only way to purify my neighborhood is by burning it to the ground to trigger a new birth cycle. I must prevent the ghosts and ghouls from seeking safe haven in the old historic homes, this is the only way to get rid of the demon spirits. Fire, fire, fire, scorch the wickedness from my community. After a satisfying night out to include talking to the first responders, Cole decides to head to the local diner, treating himself to chocolate chip pancakes for a job well done.
Nancy Schultz is a prominent local attorney and fixture of her community. Raising 3 fine sons and performing pro bono work for people who have been wrongly convicted, most of Mrs. Schultz’s neighbors have nothing but good things to say about her. Attending weekly mass and volunteering at a soup kitchen twice a week, some would say Nancy is a heroic personality. With no known vices, she blows off steam twice a week by taking stolen cars for a joyride then setting them afire to coverup for her crimes. Getting her jollies off by hotwiring cars, driving them like their stolen, she finishes off this night’s sesh by dousing the inside of a car with paint thinner and igniting it with a flicked cigarette. Proud of her artwork her inner dialogue spills out of her consciousness. Burn you bitch burn. She thinks watching a 2024 BMW X5 lighting up the night sky. After stealing you from your owner and immolating you as a sacrifice to the pagan god Pan, I have swallowed your soul and have made payment to the spiritual entities as predicted by my game of Tarot cards. Burn you bitch burn. I’ll see you on the other side. After another successful outing of stealing and burning German automobiles, Nancy heads home and decides to bake chocolate chip cookies for her high school son and his friends.
Ezra Andersen is your neighborhood Mormon dentist that everyone in the ward adores. Coming back from his mission in Nicaragua, Ezra married his high school sweetheart and fathered six children. His work ethic is second to none and he heeds the calling of the LDS Church by tithing 15% of his income. Serving the community as both a soccer coach and scoutmaster, Ezra is the picture-perfect Mormon dad who never give into temptation on the devil’s playground. His only escape from his goody two shoe existence is going prowling on Saturday nights and lighting spot fires on National Forest Land in Northern Utah and Southern Idaho. Intertwining fundamental theocratic beliefs with fantasy fiction, Ezra’s arsonist modus operandi is unconventional. It is up to me and only me to release the tree ferries from their wooden prisons in the forests. Without fire, fire, fuck yeah fire, the tree ferries would be restricted to the magical gumdrop forest for a period of millennia if it wasn’t up to me. Too many people knock wood but until that deadfall goes up in flames, the ferries can’t be released into the atmosphere for the coming apocalypse. If not for Elder Ezra, then who will take on this tedious task? Successfully starting another forest fire, the anti-hero then retires home for the evening, baking chocolate chip banana bread with his wife and four daughters.
Kimberley Gustafson is a straight A student and head cheerleader in her small Texas town. Gearing up to go to UT next year, this do-gooder is active in her church choir and reads to blind children. Keeping her daily life busy for she doesn’t stray away from the righteous path; Kim doesn’t touch drugs or alcohol and has publicly vowed not to have sex before marriage. The only way she gets high or gets off is by going to the edge of town with the trench coat mafia kids and setting fields ablaze with a flamethrower they purchased on Amazon. But when Kimberley launches the fiery napalm from the cannon it’s in fact her doppelganger Yolanda dictating her thought process. Let’s torch this bitch! We gotta burn the cicadas out to protect the town from the scourge. Then we’ll burn the rival school down along with their mascot Tony T-Rex. Until his costume is engulfed in the flames of the hellfire, Paris, Texas will never win state. 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate? Accelerants, accelerants, accelerants! I may be the biggest jersey chaser in this shit town but I’m also the biggest arsonist! Burn it, burn it to the ground motherfucker! After snapping out of her arsonist alter ego, Kimberley always heads to her grandmother’s house baking chocolate chip muffins for the church committee.
Derek Download is an exemplary IT professional working in cybersecurity at a firm in San Francisco. Receiving high remarks from his superiors and fellow coworkers, Derek busts his ass Monday-Friday, then loves to unload on the weekends. Getting high on methamphetamine and binge-watching gay porn, Derek stays up for 60 hours straight after smoking crystal meth and entertaining himself watching Grindr til ya Rewindr. Once he hits hour 54 of no sleep, Derek always gets the itch to start small fires around the streets of San Francisco. Starting dumpster fires, burning down encampments, and burning piles of garbage on the sidewalk is how Derek blows off steam when he’s not at work. Meth heads love starting fires and the public domain is their playground. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, burn, burn, kill, burn, burn, Derek thinks while self-reflecting on his latest pyro creation. Trying to keep his demons at bay, Derek hopes to attend this year’s Burning Man where pyrotechnics are legal and where he’ll be accepted as a gay porn binge watcher/fire freak. Until that day comes all he can do is head back to work and bring in some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to his fellow coworkers.
Fire is considered the fourth classical element after earth, water, and air. Cultivated hundreds of thousands of years ago, when harnessed correctly the heat can cook our food and provide us light at night. In ancient traditions the symbolism of fire represented power, creation, destruction, and even transformation. It is a beautiful sight to behold whenever human beings gather around the campfire staring at its awesome potential. Nowadays there’s an emoji that captures the essence of fire and the word itself is widely used as a positive superlative. Unfortunately, in modern society, there is a distinct subset of these people who harness fi-ya for their own sick amusement. Your everyday arsonist walks amongst us baking chocolate chip cookies and waiting to set the next fire in Los Angeles or Spokane, Washington. All they want to do is burn something in a display of creative destruction. That or they’re hired mercenaries brought in to destroy a neighborhood in order to turn it into a smart city or AI data center.
Brian Ss
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.