When You’re Embarrassed

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.”
- F. Douglas

I'll never forget the day I realized that around certain people, my parenting style changed. I harshly barked out at one of my sons. He didn’t deserve my anger or disapproval, but I was embarrassed by his behaviour at a family function. I was short with him and overly stern, and I made a scene in a way that publicly drew negative attention to his actions so that everyone would know I was “handling it.”

He may not have fully realized what was going on at the moment, but on some level, I’m sure he understood that I was willing to throw him under the bus to try and make myself look better. It’s never a great feeling to be on the receiving end of that.

More than likely it wasn’t the first time that I had done this, but it was the first time that I noticed it. Right then, I made a conscious decision not to let it happen again if I could help it.

I‘ve been more self-aware since then when I’ve been in situations and felt embarrassed by one of my children. One key realization that has stood out is this:

I am not my children’s misbehaviour.

I’ve learned that it’s better to deal with them calmly and respectfully than to get personally wrapped up in it and overreact, trying to save face. I’ve also noticed how when I see others react with self-control when their children misbehave, I think better of them afterward than I would have if nothing had happened.

As humans, we’re never going to get it right 100% of the time. That’s true for children and adults alike. So, when your child acts in a way that is less than ideal, realize that it’s a part of life and make the most of it.

By making the most of it, we mean that, regardless of the situation that caused embarrassment, you can embrace the opportunity for a development opportunity for your child. It may also be a valuable occasion for self-reflection. For this, it may help to identify, “What did I need from this situation? What was missing? Where did I feel threatened and why?”

We have often reminded ourselves that we want our children to make all their mistakes and lapses in good judgement when they’re still living at home. This gives an opportunity for them to develop in a supportive environment instead of having their lack of character or good conduct negatively affect them as adults. Our ultimate goal is to set them up for success in the world. And, the character needed for that is forged in difficult moments.

Throughout our parenting years, we’ve reflected on situations where we saw unideal behaviour in our children and have come to realize that it frequently indicated something needed more attention, focus, or consistency at home. Usually, some sort of episode in public reminded us of a principle that we had been neglecting or had become lazy with.

At times, it meant we had to change our schedules. Maybe we had become too busy and our family was reacting to that. In other cases, there were moments when we realized we had become lax with ensuring that our children paid attention to what we were saying and that they responded appropriately, which spoke to the need for more consistency. Sometimes, it meant that we had not been as available or intentional with them and they were subconsciously acting out to get our attention.

The key thing to remember in situations like these is that your child is more important than the other people in the room. It’s better to deal with the situation in such a way that they are prioritized instead of sacrificed for your reputation. Their confidence and self-esteem will benefit from it.

Questions? Comments? Let us know.