What Were You Trying to Say?

Kids aren’t little adults.  

It may seem obvious when it’s stated plainly like that but it’s easy to expect children to behave like adults, to communicate like adults, or to treat others like adults would.  A lot of misbehaviour stems from the fact that children simply lack the life experience and the tools to communicate well.  Naturally, they resort to what they know by being selfish, saying unkind things, or yelling and hitting.

It’s easier in the short term to bark orders at our children to keep the peace—to police them rather than train them. Obviously, there will be times when you’re out and you don’t have the time to coach your children on how to act. Not every moment has to be a teaching moment. But in normal situations like when you’re at home, we recommend taking a few moments to walk your children through how to behave properly.

Kids need things to be broken down and spelled out clearly.  They need to be taught what to do, what to say, and how to say it.  Or, they may know what to say and do but have a different knee-jerk reaction because they lack the ingrained habit of responding properly.

Here are a couple of simple phrases that we have found helpful.

“Let’s try that again,” tells a child that they need to find a different way to express themselves.  We would use this with our children, sometimes multiple times in a row, until they used the appropriate words and tone of voice.  Frequently, they needed us to give them the right words to get their point across with kindness.  Again, they didn’t have the tools at first.

“There’s a nicer way to say that,” is something Grandpa used to say.  As a result, his children grew up speaking kindly to each other.  They were able to express themselves in a normal, respectful tone of voice and still say what needed to be said.  They learned respectful, diplomatic communication—to think before they spoke.

We had a conversation with friends of ours and the subject came up about what they do with their girls when they fight. They start by putting their girls on pause for a moment on the steps going upstairs with no touching, no talking, and no toys.  This is helpful for the parents too, allowing them to take a breath so they don’t discipline out of anger or frustration.

They then ask the girls what their hearts are telling them about the mess they made with their sibling.  If you missed the article where we discuss this concept in more detail, you can read it here.

This next bit may be the best part.  They help them figure out what they were trying to say and how they could have done that better.  Walking through this with their girls each time is teaching them valuable, lifelong tools.

They shared that nine times out of ten, situations escalate into fights because the children are, in essence, trying to say “No, thank you,” about something, or someone isn’t listening to their “No, thank you,” and they take matters into their own hands instead of telling Mom or Dad.  So, each time, they have their girls repeat the two family rules that they’ve adopted as their own now.  

Then they walk their children through receiving and giving forgiveness and prayer.  If you’d like to hear their prayer, let us know and we can send it to you.

Finally, they talk about cost. We discuss this concept in more detail in the Making it Right article.

When we take the time to walk our children through how to express themselves appropriately and communicate well, it de-escalates situations, restores harmony and self-worth, and sets our children up for success in their future interactions.  Instead of policing, we build within them the ability to self-police.  And, that’s when the home becomes more peaceful and enjoyable for everyone.

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know.