Making it Right

"The proof that we want that forgiveness
is the energy we expend to make amends for the wrong." 
- Fulton J. Sheen

Today, our kids are best friends.  When one sibling moved to a different city, it wasn’t long before all the rest followed.  They spend time with one another on a regular basis and keep tabs on each others’ lives, celebrating each others’ victories and supporting one another during hard times.  Our family is close and we enjoy each other’s company.

When our children were little, we really focused on helping them get along and be kind to one another.  There were a couple of things that helped in this regard.

Firstly, we didn’t allow our children to tattle on one another.  Unless someone was being hurt or doing something unsafe, we didn't respond when one sibling told on another.  Instead, we reminded the accusing child, “We don’t tattle on one another in this family.  You don’t need to tell me unless someone is getting hurt or in danger.”  There were times when it was hard as a parent not to act on this scandalous information.  But, we treated it like the justice system.  When evidence is obtained illegally, it is inadmissible in court.

Keep in mind that Family Rule #2 always applies.  Our children were always allowed to tell Dad or Mom if someone was doing something to them and not responding to their, “No, thank you.”  But, tattling on something not being done to them was always taboo.

Our rationale behind this is that it’s hard to befriend someone who’s always looking for ways to rat you out when you’ve made a mistake or done something wrong.  Instead, it stirs up unhealthy competition and an environment of trying to trip one another up to settle a score.  Unchecked, this can get vicious and lead to deep-seated resentment among siblings. Additionally, it’s really not the responsibility of one child to make sure another one behaves, and it’s best for them and everyone else to be relieved of that responsibility.  

Secondly, when one child wronged another, we required more than an apology.  We would tell our children to make it right.  You see, if I steal $5 from you and get caught with it, an apology means nothing if I keep the $5 in my back pocket.  Restitution must be made.  The balance must be restored.  So, an apology needed to be followed up by making things right.

It’s actually something you can apply to many areas of parenting.  If a child colours on the wall, they should be required to help clean it or do something else to respect the property they’ve disrespected (like age-appropriate chores).  If a child steals, they need to confess and return the item.  If a child hurts another out of anger, action should be required that shows a change of intention toward the other, balancing out their disrespect.  This internal change of heart is the important factor here.  You want children to learn how to self-correct and self-regulate.  You want them to choose kindness on their own.  To do so, you can help them make it a habit and a pattern.

Oftentimes, our children wouldn’t know how to make things right with the one they offended.  So, we would have them ask the offended party.  More often than not, this situation would arise because one child was bothering another, not listening when they said, “No, thank you,” and the time had come to escalate it to Dad and Mom.  Usually in this case, the sibling being bothered would say that all they needed to make things right was for the other one to stop.

But, other times the disrespectful behaviour was becoming a pattern, so we would step in with additional requirements.  Friends of ours had a little girl who was frequently injuring her little sister.  It created unrest and a lack of safety in the home, both for the little sister and the parents.  One of their strategies that started to remedy the situation was making the older sibling stay in her room until she had come up with three nice things that she could do for her little sister.  Sometimes it took a while because the three things needed to be good enough to satisfy her parents.  The punishment had to fit the crime.  This helped curb the behaviour, making it more infrequent, and changed the heart of the older sister toward the younger one, as well as the dynamic in the home.  They continue to try other techniques as well. 

To manage relationships well, when there’s a wrong done, three things are needed: an apology given, responsibility taken, and restitution made.  Guide your children through each of these to shape their character and preserve their relationship with their siblings.  You’ll reap the rewards for years.

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