Today's Common Wrong Believe in Sexual Orientation as Identity (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this topic I have shared about the fact that the idea of men being either homosexual or heterosexual is extremely recent comparing to the history of mankind, just existing since around 150 years - read about this development and its reasons in the last post. I also mentioned that in spite of the need of it for some kind of liberation (as for example the dismantling of anti-homosexual laws), the very deplorable result of it was, that particularly men, since then, in their way of looking for identity classify themselves as gay, straight (or even bi) and - as a consequence - filter out everything that possibly according to the ideas they have learned would not fit with this type of identity. Particularly heterosexual identifying men often feel a strong alarm (I call it with Will Blunterfield of whom I have first heard the term “gay panic”) whenever closeness get’s “too much”. Most of the time male-male intimacy, that is so crucial for us to be who we are, beginning with the intimacy between father and son but totally including, brother and brother, friend and friend, most of it “needed” to be filtered out - for us to stay “real men”. A deplorable nonsense that shaped our reality as men and weekend us enormously, which is part of the reason that this blog exists.

Of course, there is a natural desire behind the clinging to identities. Coming as human incarnations on this planet, we are unfathomable mysteries, deeper than anybody can explore. But as we are at the same time conscious beings, we, in the course of getting adult and even later, are in a process of trying to understand ourselves, making sense of what and who we are - i.e. what this mystery really is.

As we are overwhelmed by the complexity of who we are, especially confronted with it in puberty where not only our body awakens but also our consciousness in its desire of understanding identity, we make use of exterior identity systems that we discover in our society, systems that we use for identifying ourselves and thus, trying to eventually know who we are.

Sexual orientation is one of these identity systems. And we are “glad” that we found one, let it be heterosexual or homosexual or bi. People where none of these classifications really fit struggle longer. But really they fit nobody. They are always an attempt to simplify and thus categorize us. With the result of a certain relief: OK, now I more or less know in this area who I am and can go on my path.

Often we are not aware how much of the reality we needed to truncate or cut-off in order to make that fit.

Due to Puritanism and judgmental attitude of many societies of that time which even shaped legal systems, those persons who were more strongly feeling attraction and the desire of romantic relationships on the side of the same sex, where exposed to rejection, ostracizing, and legal prosecution. Through naming it a distinct identity, this group could get addressed and eventually liberated. The downside was, that all the others now needed to fit into the box “Heterosexual” - or, to make at least some exception, “Bisexual” (which really is a stiff hybrid). These boxes need to filter out everything that did not seem to fit into the concept of their newly invented heterosexuality.

Of course by no means do I want to offend those who have strongly fought for the acceptance of their sexual orientation and by so doing for their identity at all, often linked with a lot of pain and suffering. I simply speak against the simplification and boxing of identity.

As much as these identities may have served a purpose, I think the time is over. Being tied to them is restricting us today and hinder us to be ourselves with all that this involves. I think it is time to come together, as men - without difference, and experience what it means to be man without the need of those patterns and to be it together.

Of course all of us have been shaped by societal norms. But as we get to know each other as men, build confidence, allow vulnerability and create safe spaces where we can simply be ourselves with everything that naturally wants to be lived, we will get aware of these patterns in our mind (for example the gay-panic mentioned above) that restrict us from a part of it, namely from the intimacy we in reality desire and need. Then we can gradually drop those ties and come back to what many historic, prehistoric or non-Western societies pre-modelled for us: men who are embedded in a supportive brotherhood where they can show all parts of them and get nourished by brotherly love on all levels. By this way we can heal wounds of the past, not only our personal ones but also reaching far back into history where destructive behaviors were planted.

I’d love to read you in the comments what you think about this topic and what are your experiences with it! Love to all,

Patrick

ps: I am sharing in the paid section some more pictures that have touched me and illustrate my vision, commented with some more thoughts…