Humour Out of Uniform

Dear Reader,

Hope you enjoy this humorous yet serious piece.

Humour Out of Uniform

When one reaches the age of 60 years, everyone, at least the near and dear ones in the family, feels safe that the man/ woman (More Man than woman) would not go astray. His physical appearance is the license to this optimism. In reality, the licence comes more from the society than his looks. When a man of yesteryears (The 60-year-old man we are talking about) was young, he desired a ‘Desire of a maiden’. Well, this applies to the female genre as well. In their early twenties, they would wake up with optimism that today they would meet someone whom they would like. The probability of this happening was very low in those days; otherwise, the stats would have weighed in favour of love marriages. Alas, in the seventies and eighties, the graph of arranged marriages was at its peak. The disappointment of the new day continued long after till they found a mate through an arranged marriage. But we are not going to spend time on the merits and demerits of arranged marriage. We are going to discuss what happens to the sixty-year-old.

The old man is not convinced. He looks at the mirror, and it tells him a different story. His short-sighted gaze meets the mirror and sees a 30-year-old self. He laughs at others. What do these guys think? He murmurs to himself, ‘I am still in my prime, and I am an eye catcher. For women, the dilemma is a bit different. This state for women arrives a little early in life. The first signs of wrinkles and doubts begin to fester. ‘Have I become old?’ Will it be obvious at parties? The difference between men and women in this respect is that, as women grow old, their confidence sags because they are long-sighted and hence see their bulges and wrinkles far more clearly in the mirror. On the contrary, as the man grows old, he gets more confident because he has short sight and cannot see what’s in the mirror. A typical ad case shows a cat looking in a mirror and seeing a Lion as her reflection. This state continues till the man reaches the 70s, when one day it dawns on him what his real age is. But more about it a little later.

So, this 60-plus-year-old man, recently out of retirement, starts looking for greener pastures. He has the experience of his professional years behind him, and he is bubbling with confidence as he starts his second innings with certainty; he will not repeat the mistakes he made in his first. He gets up early and starts his day with optimism, sure to find something new and dynamic for himself. For most, this phase vanishes quickly when the reality dawns that no one is willing to hire someone for their knowledge and age, which doesn’t align with the new, tech-savvy world. There are a lucky few who find news assignments. It’s a different matter that they themselves realise the degree to which they are a misfit faster than their bosses are ready to tell them. Two things happen: first, he quits his job; second, he starts looking for a purpose in life. From the job, now the quest gets spiritual. For professional women, the dilemma is similar yet more muted. They are usually more content in retirement. They seem to find solace in friends, relatives, and household. Those who are adventurous take off to the hills or the seaside. Contentment in women comes faster. So, I will restrict the rest of the narrative to the men who still haven’t given up.

Every morning, upon getting up, one burning question that erupts before them is: what is to be done today? ‘How is that in this world there is no demand/respect/need for mature, knowledgeable, and experienced souls like oneself? After all, there is so much chaos existing in the environment, and yet no one seems to need me, the master planner and breaker of all chaos. I have done all this in my life. These are the recurring thoughts. As if this is not bad enough, one of the prettiest looking women in society who meets him in the lift says, “ Good morning, Uncle’. Nothing would hurt the old man’s macho pride more than the cursed word of ‘Uncle’. The next thing the uncle does is head straight for the mirror to look at his face.

Things would have been tolerable if this had not happened. Going on the road, the veteran hit the signal crossing just as the amber was turning to Red. Across on the other side, the traffic cop, again a woman, was waiting for the prey to fall into her trap, and the veteran was promptly asked to slow down and pull over. Even before he could flash his retired officer’s Identity card, the female cop admonished him, saying, “Uncle bal safed ho gaye lekin traffic rules nahi ate hain. (Uncle, your hair has turned grey, and yet you don’t follow the traffic rules.) That was the last straw; the next step is the ‘Garnier Hair Dye Number 3’. This was a bid to regain his old identity.

The new look is not lost on the family members or the walking plaza in the society’s regulars. There were sly grins and muted voices. All of it is taken as an appreciation of his new look. His walk changes as has his dressing sense. There are more flowery Hawaiian bush shirts on display. It is not long before the veteran realises he is being mocked by the younger women for eyeing them. All are courteous, yet no one wishes to engage in a conversation, remembering some errands at home whenever the gent comes close by. The ego is trampled, and the veteran starts feeling his age. Looking for partners who would give him company and a patient hearing. That’s when the golden words come out of his mouth, “Every day is a gift from God, do not waste it by either getting angry or by ignoring your friends. Live the day as if there is no tomorrow”. Such profound wisdom, even the gent is surprised to hear himself speak that. It remains his life lesson number 1.

That is when one of the members of the society felt sorry for his struggle and suggested, “Why don’t you join Rotary or start an NGO, or, even better, write memoirs or an autobiography, or write lessons drawn from life experience and share them for the benefit of others.” After all, as Shakespeare suggests in Twelfth Night, your Talent is not yours alone; it needs sharing. ‘What is bestowed, cannot be reserved. You would do well, he said.

The veteran is tempted to take up the idea when the thought strikes him, who will read it: His family, he very much doubts it. Others, his friends, were unlikely, and this way the list got smaller and smaller. Yet he agrees in his mind that ‘Everyone must have a purpose in life’. He was attracting attention. He was best at that throughout his life, but now, ten years since his retirement, he was finding it hard to get the attention he desired. His sole occupation was now playing golf. He would set his alarm for 5 am and yet never need it, for he was always awake when it sounded. He thanked the lord that in his younger days, he had picked up the basics of the game. He was a decent golfer in those days. Today was a different story. But now it is never about how well you play; it is about whether you have someone to play with. And the local course has plenty like him who look forward to the dawn to be in the fourball, hitting the ball from the Tee, the first one invariably into the trees and very seldom on the fairway. Golf is the purpose, he thought to himself.

One day, once again, one of his civilian friends suggested that he consider writing down life lessons from his experience. He sits down with a pen and pencil. After about an hour, he realised that the exercise was taking him nowhere. His writing was flat, boring, and full of wisdom which would enlighten no one. He stopped and looked into the mirror again. For the first time, he realised that the mirror was reflecting the cat and not the Lion. With age, his writing should also mellow. It should taste like the wine which intoxicates long after the bottle is emptied. Like the art of winemaking, good prose writing is a difficult venture, too. Yet he decides that if he took the lighter approach to writing, there was a chance some people might read it. Would it not be prudent for whatever he writes, should help the person who is reading it? That opened up to him the biggest lesson: Life is about making others happy.