I had family in town and my dog threw up for 3 days straight so this is a little late due to daily vet visits and rug cleaning. Sorry!
There Are 9 New Emoji Coming in 2027 Cracked Smiling Face, Pickle, Monarch Butterfly, Lighthouse, Meteor, Eraser, Net with Handle, Leftwards Thumb Sign, and Rightwards Thumb Sign. Perfect for saying: who’s got 2 thumbs and is having a mental breakdown? This guy!
Family Walks Into Air BnB They’d Never Been To And Finds Giant Picture Of Themselves from 12 years ago.
A Leopard Slipped Into A Liquor Store, Jumped Over The Counter, And Started Attacking An Employee. From the Producers of Cocaine Bear it’s Liquor Leopard
Not To Be Outdone By A Mammal, A 6ft Monitor Lizard Raided A Convenience Store From the Producers of Liquor Leopard, its Jurassic Mart
Hot Single Marmots in Your Area are Looking For Funding. After their funding got Doge-d, these scientists set up an OnlyFans for Marmots to try and keep their research going. It's called OnlyMarms, it promises "unfiltered yellow-bellied marmot content from the Rockies," and it has raised about $4,000. Before you discard animal studies as cute but stupid, a reminder that GLP-1s happened because of diabetes research on Gila monsters.
We’re still in slim pickins’ season but there are a few gems. And later this week: The Shards, and Sterling Point.
Furious (Hulu)
Emmy Rossum is an FBI agent searching for a female serial killer. There’s 3 episodes out and I gobbled them up and can’t wait for more.
Lioness S3 (Paramount)
Zoe Saldana and Nicole Kidman are back to embed Lioness agents to kill bad guys overseas.
Ted Lasso S4
It’s been 4 years, Ted is back to coach the Lady Greyhounds, Coach Beard is back looking like a mess, and Keeley and Roy are back in each other’s orbits. No Jamie this time, which I’m sad about.
The Idaho Murders. A College Nightmare (Netflix)
There are no new revelations but it does tell you more about the victims and their lives, and it is pretty timely given the accused murderer asked to withdraw his guilty plea this week.
House of Stassi (Hulu)
This show is well made and has a knowing sense of humor about itself, like Stassi herself does. I like all the meta stuff about how she got this show, her complicated feelings about Vanderpump Rules, or how convenient it seems to rekindle a friendship with VPR Alumni, Katie Maloney, in order for her to do the show. Stassi is undeniably a star, always has been. The Mormon Wives, the Nader sisters, Alex Cooper, and Morgan Stewart all make appearances. Like Stassi says: “Synergy loves a Pinot Grigio”
Real Housewives of London (Peacock)
This is not the powerhouse debut that Salt Lake City or Rhode Island were, and I miss the cutting commentary of Ladies of London, but these women have wealth and access to a world we haven’t seen yet.
My Grandfather Charles Manson (Paramount+)
An aspiring, young filmmaker finds out through DNA that her biological Grandfather was Charles Manson so she tracks down all she can starting from his childhood to find out who he was and what genetic legacy she might be facing—and how much of Manson was biological vs. how much was created through a life of trauma growing up in the system. Along the way she starts seeing her own father differently as the parallels pile up. Her interview with the photographer for the Beach Boys is so slimy it’s shocking.
Toxic Love Story (Netflix)
The latest Netflix viral doc. I don’t want to tell you what happens, just that it starts with a US Marshall, his soon to be wife, and his ex-girlfriend stalking them but I think you have to experience all the twists and turns for yourself. It’s a ride.
It occurs to me that many of us are with family and in need of programming to watch with parents, in-laws, and chosen and biological extended families of all types. And good news: mid summer programming is perfect for that!
SHOWS TO WATCH WITH YOUR DAD
Shark Week (Discovery/HBOMax)
You can turn on pretty much anything in discovery right now but let me recommend Jurassic Sharks about giant, ancient sharks.
King of the Hill (Hulu)
This show holds up. It’s funny and sweet and it’s nice to spend time with these characters again. Hank gets scammed by an ai chatbot, Bobby tries cooking on camera, and Peggy is going through menopause. It’s been renewed through 2028 already so you can space these out. I feel like comedy is not always served by the binge model.
Nations Dumbest (Fox/Hulu)
Celebrities go ‘back to school” and compete in themed challenges across different subjects in an attempt not to be named Nation’s Dumbest. You know those people who are desperate to be seen as the smartest in the room but then are hoisted by their own petards? That is Andrew Yang, billionaire and ex-presidential candidate. If you like the challenge parts of Big Brother this is for you.
SHOW TO WATCH WITH YOUR MOM
Ransom Canyon
Season 2 of Minka Kelly and Josh Duhamel, the tourism ambassador of North Dakota, in the adult romance version of Yellowstone.
Ugliest House in America
Retta is a delight, these houses are not. Perfect combo.
STILL WATCHING
Love at First Sight Begging you to watch this show and talk to me about it. One of the men has “swim socks” he wore on vacation in Mexico and to the water park. To be clear, I don’t mean a neoprene or nylon water sock, I mean a white nike cotton calf sock. Every one of his sartorial choices are so egregious the therapists call him out on it.
In related news: Love is Blind is casting in NY and that season cannot come fast enough.
NextGen NYC I feel like people aren’t appreciating Brooks’ jokes because he’s so deadpan.
House of the Dragon So many terrible royal children in this show. Unrelated, Prince George, the future King of England, is now a teenager. I hope he gets a dragon.
FINALES
Cape Fear (Apple) Amy Adams vs Juliette Lewis vs Javier Bardem what an embarrassment of riches, of accents, of people doing the absolute most. I can’t wait until next summer’s entry in Apple’s hot sweaty 90’s thriller canon. I’m guessing it will be Presumed Innocent Season 2?
The Ultimatum (Netflix) The way these people weaponize therapy speak. What a bunch.
The Valley All I want from the reunion is to see what Kristen/Luke/Zach have to say about their unwavering support of Danny, the drunken menace. My favorite part so far is the clip where Danny says “even Seth Rogan” defended him, and then Seth Rogan commenting on the clip: “For the record, I think Danny acts COMPLETELY inappropriately!”
You don’t need me to tell you that Spiderman: Brand New Day is all that matters this weekend. Hilariously, after all the embargoes and secrecy the movie was spoiled by a red carpet interview of the streamer Valkyrie asking a mundane question to musician Steve Lacy.
Streaming
The Dink (Apple) Ostensibly this is about an ex-tennis pro who is forced to play pickleball but it’s really about finding your tribe, and redemption. Another great choice to watch with parents.
And 2 movies that defined the first part of the year are streaming:
Devil Wears Prada 2 (Hulu/Disney+) This time the devil is late stage capitalism
Obsession (Peacock) Be careful what you wish for
We’re halfway through the summer so it’s time to check in on Song of Summer and the answer is pretty clear
Ella Langley’s “Choosin’ Texas” surpassed Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” and Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” for most weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 among nonholiday songs by women. The internet does not agree which just speaks to how fragmented the pop cultural world is now that people have never even heard this song when it’s the undeniable biggest hit of the year.
I did not have a single moment to read anything this week but I’m in the process of reading:
John of John by Douglas Stuart
A broke Art School grad goes home to his remote Scottish home…and that’s about as far as I’ve gotten but everyone loves this book. Here’s Oprah’s book club on it. And the NYTimes Book Review podcast.
One of the first podcasts I ever listened to, Slate’s Culture Gabfest, ended after 18 years. I will miss it and so will many others.
Love Trapped
I recommended this back in March but bringing it back up because it’s been at the top of the charts since then. It starts by looking back at a particularly unliked Bachelor and ends in a legal thriller as he’s sued for paternity by a woman he says he’s never had sex with. One of my favorite podcast binges of the year.
NEW SLANG
SABSing: It means hanging out in a conspicuous public place where you might casually run into your crush, your ex, or anyone else you got dressed hoping to see. It’s a new word for an ancient practice.
Kokushobi It’s so hot in Japan they had to create a new word for it. It means “cruel heat day”.
TIK TALK
This trend makes me laugh: This is what you could end up looking like
The 5 things that are worth it, the most Extremely Helpful coded of all tik tok trends, is still going strong. Here’s one I have to share because it perfectly sums up what I was going to write about in this section.
The 25 Greatest David Brent Moments: The Office 25th Anniversary (YouTube)
ARTICLES
Kidney Stone? Childbirth? Shingles? Which Hurts the Most? A strange but helpful ranking of the 16 most painful medical conditions for anyone who enjoys practical information and imagining terrible things happening to their bodies.
Revenge of the Simps: the porn addicts who tried to rescue the cam girls. Looking forward to this ripped from the headlines SVU episode.
When Ai is a Member of the Family
The Top 1% Vagina Biohacking culture has come for the vaginal biome.
And it’s not just the inside, the rich have moved on from face lifts to further south: labiaplasty. I love this substack btw. I was saving it for the upcoming special edition of your obsessions (and mine) but I had to include this story!
TO DO
Michelin Star Chef Arrested For Serving Ants On Sherbet
Millennial queen Hilary Duff shared her McDonald’s order with the crowd at one of her concerts: Quarter pounder with cheese, diced onions instead of slices, extra pickles and 4 piece chicken nugget happy meal.
The Cheesecake Factory Crispy Chicken Costoletta has become a meme after this review of it made people rush to the place to try it
Not Salad Salads
Not being able to eat salad has never made me want to eat more salad. Here are some non-lettuce based crowd pleasers.
Panzanella: I can’t stop making this after having a delicious version at a benefit for the Hollywood Food Coalition made with fresh tomatoes from Sunrise Organic Farms. Everyone loves it. Here’s a version with grilled corn.
Chick Pea and Spinach Salad with Cumin Dressing: a recipe I saw on a Food Network rerun in a rental cabin in Big Bear called “The Moose is Loose” and have been making ever since.
Dumpling and tomato salad with chili crisp dressing A favorite of my Dad’s.
Dense Bean Salad: the salad that made Violet Witchel a star.
Stone fruit and Burrata salad Self explanatory. Grill the fruit or don’t. Add basil and prosciutto and pistachios or don’t. Dress with balsamic or hot honey or whatever you got.
Katy Perry Got Stuck In A Giant Water Bottle.
Nike’s new slides will have heat and vibration. Sign me up. I’m very into slides as foot massagers.
Gen Z Changed Its Mind About Crew Socks If you weren’t chronically online a few years ago you may have missed the great sock debate where Gen Z informed Millennials and everyone else their ankles were cringe. Well, it appears they’ve changed their minds and ankle socks are ok.
Have you ever dreamed of living in a Parisian apartment? These Lulu and Georgia lamps can get you pretty close.
Or are you more of a British cottage girl? This Zara home collection will get you Cotswolds adjacent
The Gap reissued its classic 90s fragrances I credit Heaven with my first falling in love with scents, and learning I loved Bergamot. Dream made me realize I liked vanilla. Grass made me realize things could smell like colors and has always smelled like green. I don’t think I had that feeling again until I smelled DS & Durga Debaser which smells like cut green stems to me.
For the non fragrance obsessed, Bergamot is a very popular note in scents. It’s a weird looking citrus fruit that is too bitter to eat but its oil creates a sharp, refreshing fragrance. It’s what turns black tea into the soft orange-y floral flavor of Earl Grey tea.
I’ve been chasing those bergamot and vanilla top notes since those first Gap fragrance days. These are the summer scents I’ve been rotating between:
Portofino 97 This smell is addictive. It smells like crisp sheets on an Italian vacation by the sea.
Dries van Noten Silk Malaquais A beautiful bottle that smells like tart berries, and roses, and silk what I imagine summers in Sweden smell like. Like what Midsommer smelled like before the cult started killing people. This is a big one among fashionable men on TikTok.
Celine Parade I get so many compliments on this. It smells bright, and French, and elegant.
Le Labo Bergamot 22 My most worn, most loved, most rebought fragrance
Byredo Bal D’Afrique This unfortunately only lasts about 2 hours on me but it does smell lovely.
What to do if you get sunburnt:
Take a cool shower or if you can’t, use a cool compress for 10-15 minutes. Don’t ice it.
If you have black tea, brew 3-4 tea bags, cool it and apply a cool tea compress or take a lukewarm bath and drop some tea bags in there. The tannins will help with inflammation and will make you less red.
While your skin is damp, apply aloe, or fragrance free moisturizer with aloe or soy. Once the burn stops feeling hot, slather on Cicaplast Baume. Apply moisturizer every few hours or when it starts to feel tight.
Take ibuprofen. If its itchy, take an anti-histamine
Drink tons of water. Stay out of the sun.
You should start feeling and looking better within a few hours but it’ll take about 2-3 days to go away completely.
When you don’t know what they said
What to do with your produce now that we can’t eat vegetables
I hope you’re having a wonderful summer so far.
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