Before my husband stopped working, the system we used to handle expenses was simple. We each earned money, contributed to shared expenses, and had our own money that wasn’t shared.
When he stopped working to be home with our boys full-time, the system became a little more complex. This essay is about where we landed after some trial and error, and a few conversations about the word “allowance.”
My husband has been a stay-at-home dad for nearly three years. This post is about the exact financial structure we use and why we built it this way.
In many one-income households, the staying-home parent starts to feel like they need permission to spend money because they “aren’t the ones earning it.”
When all of the money in your checking account comes from one person’s paycheck, there is a psychological weight to every purchase that the non-earning partner feels. A weight that wasn’t there before.
I have mentioned this phenomenon before — the “I feel like I have to ask permission to spend money” problem. Or the “I don’t want to be completely financially dependent upon my spouse” problem.
It is one of the most common things I hear from families who are considering the transition to one income but are holding back. They want to maintain their financial independence, which to me, is a completely reasonable desire.
The system we use for managing our finances isn’t perfect, but it helps (at least somewhat) to mitigate these feelings.
We have three checking accounts. My personal checking account, my husband’s personal checking account, and one shared checking account that covers all household expenses.
Every pay period, I get direct deposit into my personal checking and then transfer a set amount into the shared account. That amount is determined together based on our monthly expense budget and covers everything our household needs: mortgage, groceries, utilities, insurance, household supplies, retirement savings (for both of us), kids’ activities, kids’ clothes, and every other line item in our budget.
We decided on the transfer amount together and revisit it when expenses change. We communicate about our finances regularly. It is our decision, not my decision.
Whatever remains in my personal checking account after the transfer is mine. I use it for things like my own clothes, shoes, and gifts for my husband.
My husband’s personal checking account is not funded by an employer like mine. He does a small amount of freelance design work in the evenings, and that income goes directly to him. He uses it for his own purchases, gifts for me, and anything else that falls outside of our shared budget.
The shared account handles everything that belongs to both of us. The personal accounts handle the things that belong to each of us individually.
The three-account structure that we use helps solve the permission problem because it creates a system of spending for each person that requires no conversation, no check-in, and no justification.
When I buy something for myself, I buy it from my account. When my husband buys something for himself, he buys it from his. Neither of us reports these purchases to the other because neither of us needs to.
Shared expenses only require a conversation if they fall outside of our existing budget. For example, we recently purchased bunk beds for our three boys. That purchase came with significant background research, a conversation about how it fit into our existing budget, and both of us signing off on the exact item before hitting “pay now.”
Other, more regular, shared expenses like kids’ clothes, groceries, or household items just get purchased as we need them, no conversation required. This is less of a rule that we strictly live by and more of a mutual understanding that has developed naturally over time.
Large financial decisions, which includes anything that materially affects our financial picture, our savings, or our long-term plans, are always joint decisions. They were when we both worked full-time and they are now. Nothing has changed.
I want to be honest — my instinct used to be that all of our money should live in one place. One account with full visibility and both of us spending from the same pool.
My husband’s instinct has always been different. For him, having a separate account, funded by the freelance work he does, gives him financial independence. The separate account is money that is entirely his, earned by him, and available to him without any reference to our household budget or my income.
When we first transitioned to one income, I was a little frustrated that my husband felt like buying things for himself out of our shared account was like receiving an “allowance.” I recognize how important the work he does raising our three boys is to our entire family, so to me, it wasn’t my money, it was our money.
But over time, I have come to understand that this is about autonomy. The three-account structure works best for us because it supports his sense of agency and ownership within a financial system that is otherwise shared and interdependent.
I share this tidbit because I think not being transparent about it would do a disservice to the couples who are trying to build a life around one income. Disagreeing slightly about how and why money should be spent is normal for all couples, not just ones who are living on one income.
The important thing is that you continue to communicate about the disagreement and reach a compromise together. Honestly, the financial structure is the easier part to figure out. It’s the identity and autonomy questions underneath the financial structure that are much more difficult to answer.
Start with identifying your shared expenses. Get very clear on what it actually costs to run your household and define a shared expense contribution amount from that number. You can use my free Enough Number calculator to help. The contribution amount should be a joint decision even if the money comes from one income.
Separate your shared expenses from personal spending so that every purchase doesn’t require justification. You can do this regardless of whether all of your money is pooled or if it lives in separate accounts. For us, maintaining the simple three-account structure that we were using before my husband became a stay-at-home dad makes the most sense. For other families, this may look like including a “personal spending” line item in your budget so that the money comes from the shared account but there are no questions asked as long as the total for each month doesn’t surpass a pre-determined limit.
Talk about which purchases require a conversation and which don’t before the situation arises. The couples who struggle most on one income are often operating without explicit agreements about spending boundaries.
Communicate openly and honestly with each other about what is working for your family and what isn’t. The systems you establish now may require adjustments as life changes. That is normal.
The right financial system for your family is the one that works for both of you, and you'll know it when you find it.
Jenny :)
P.S. Please reply and let me know if there is anything you’d like me to address in an upcoming Ask Me Anything.
When you subscribe for free, you’ll receive:
Weekly newsletters with a blend of behavioral science, personal stories, and real systems for living well on one income and reclaiming time.
Short stories of families redefining “enough” and reclaiming time with their kids.
A monthly reflection prompt to help you clarify what “enough” looks like for your family.
All free and sent directly to your inbox.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.