Ask Esther: Is My Husband Spending Our Money To Get Back At Me?

A note from Esther: In this letter, a woman wonders about her husband’s sudden, painful rejection of her through his extravagant spending. He buys a yacht without telling her. He plans a family getaway and doesn’t invite her. What struck me about her story was not his betrayal, but the ways she tells it. Sometimes, when we feel stuck, we tell ourselves a story about why that distracts us from taking action. In writing back to her, I hope to give her the perspective to help write a new story—and start living it.

I’d love to hear how you’d respond to this letter in the comments. Remember, this letter is from a real person. Have compassion. My point of view is just one perspective about one person’s dilemma about whom I know nothing more than the letter they have sent. The same goes for you.

On that note, if you have a question that you’d like me to respond to in a future edition of Ask Esther, email me at askesther@estherperel.com. Let’s begin.

Dear Esther,

My husband and I are both medical professionals, married for 27 years with three children, however, things have been difficult for several years. He accused me of having an affair (which is completely untrue) because I was Facebook friends with a high school boyfriend whom I haven’t seen in over three decades.

He’s now spent all of our life savings on himself, buying a $6 million ranch without discussing it with me. He lies constantly, including buying a $350,000 boat without my knowledge and lying about it multiple times. He even planned an extended family trip to Africa, inviting everyone except for me. He said that he would rather cancel the entire trip than have me come along.

The betrayal and pain and resentment I feel is relentless. We have a large net worth and wonderful children, but this constant abuse must end. I am so hurt and betrayed that I feel like I cannot move forward or forgive. I guess my questions are:

Is there any hope for change?

Why have I not left?

What is keeping me here?

How do we move forward?

Thank you,

Suddenly Sidelined

Dear Suddenly Sidelined,

The way you describe your relationship, it sounds as if you have been in a kind of silent divorce for a while. Your husband’s actions suggest that he does not just want to spend money away from you, he doesn’t seem to want to be with you, period. You cannot simply move forward and forgive. You must ask yourselves and each other: where is our relationship at in this moment? Is there even a relationship, or is there an infrastructure that includes net worth, assets, and children?