When your family feels complicated in the summertime

We are having a heatwave right now in the UK and it is inevitably reminding me of all the years that we lived in Spain, (we came back to the UK just over six years ago, when my eldest was 13 and my youngest was seven).

Summer was never my favourite season in Spain. It was relentlessly hot, friends were dispersed for around three months, and everywhere became insanely busy. With children, it became harder, mostly because we had one child who found summer extremely difficult.

Think of anything you might associate with a hot summer and—with the exception of ice cream and watermelon—it was almost certainly awful for them. Sun in their eyes, flies, mosquitos, sand underfoot, suntan lotion, the sea, lots of people. They usually wore a protective black hoodie and, since summer was such an assault on their senses, the hoodie became even more necessary but also made everything even hotter.

For six years of their childhood, we lived in a small town just north of Barcelona, about three-blocks from the beach and 10 minutes from a huge waterpark. Our town celebrated two summer festivals. One was a pirate-themed extravaganza, which culminated in a massive water fight on the beach; the other, Sant Joan, was a riot of fireworks, firecrackers and noise. Depending on who you were, all the above was absolutely wonderful or completely overwhelming. Balancing everyone’s different needs amongst all this (including two children who did quite like the beach, one of whom would have spent the entire summer immersed in water) was complicated. And whilst we lived with our differences quite well during the rest of the year, in the summer, they all seemed to collide spectactularly.

We were so much better at autumn and winter! Long discussions around the kitchen table, baking, favourite programmes to watch, walking dogs at the local shelter, cosy Minecraft afternoons. In the cooler, quieter months, life felt much more solid. In fact, my most precious memories of Spain are from the end of September, when the air would finally become cooler, the town settled back into its usual rhythm, and I could put on a jumper again.

Looking back now though, I realise that just as hard as the summer heat and the complicated balancing of different needs, was the inevitable clash between my expectations and reality.

Summer, with its long days and dreamy possibilities of travel and adventure, can magnify something that causes endless year-round angst for unschooling parents: our own expectations. It was hard not to wish there was more ease to our days, not to be envious of other families who seemed to do summer so effortlessly, and not to yearn for relaxed days out and about all together. After all, we had stepped away from the mainstream in our own little quest for a more intentional life that centred connection and fulfilment. How frustrating that no matter how intentional I was, it couldn’t look how I wanted it to look. And it was no wonder that staying indoors on a beautiful day could feel like abject failure.*

But comparing your real life to an imaginary version in your mind (with other, imaginary children) is almost certainly going to make things feel worse. The more we hold on to a specific vision of how things need to be and the more we expect them to be that way, the more challenging it feels.

Over the years, our summers got much easier. We never became a beach holiday kind of family, but we did get much better at navigating our differences together. As they got older and more independent, one child’s preferences were no longer felt as a limitation by another child. Now, they all make a lot of their own plans, and they seem to do this with a good understanding of who they are and what works for them. In fact, they all seem to enjoy the expansiveness of the summer months. Curiously, my summer-averse child is living for a few months in a very hot, humid country, and coping fine. In fact, whenever we chat, I always ask how the weather is, and they always ask why I am so obsessed with the weather, which I find quite funny for some reason.

So what did I learn from those tricky summers?

See if it can all be a lesson in team work
Rather than try to create a perfect day that suits everyone, shift your focus to the process itself. Can you have some fun exploring everyone’s needs, including your own? Could you brainstorm some ideas all together? I remember one day when we had a firm plan, and one child decided at the last minute that they were just not up to it. After some initial disappointment and tears from their siblings, the child who wasn’t up to it decided to come up with a better plan, one that would be perfect for everyone. And they really did. We had a brilliant day that involved a few compromises on their own part, and by the evening they were beaming with pride and delighted that they had created something that made everyone happy. Given that this child was often the one that was seen by their siblings to be complicating things, it was really a precious experience for everyone, and a reminder that everyone just wants to do their best. When there is one child who finds things harder, it is easy to find ourselves honing in on the things that feel problematic, but how about really inviting them in and seeing what suggestions they might have? Maybe they can be appreciated for their ingenious ideas!

Try to lean in to their preferences
A bike ride by the port with an ice-cream, or playing Minecraft in a darkened room? I know which I would go for, but it doesn’t necessarily make it the “right” choice, and it’s important that we understand that our version is not necessarily the best. If gaming in a dark room on a hot day is their idea of heaven then so be it. If there is a sibling (or you) who wants to go for the bike ride and ice-cream then see if you can keep things light and all figure it out together (see previous point). Maybe the Minecraft child is open to a bike ride or some other activity later. This is far more likely to feel appealing to them if we have shown appreciation for their choices.

Give yourself some kindness
Things may feel challenging, but no one is failing and no one is doing anything wrong. If you catch your mind spinning into harsh self-talk, give yourself a hug and remind yourself that this is hard, and that it will get easier!

Notice when expectations are making things worse
Of course it’s easier said than done to drop expectations, but see if you can spot when they are making you miserable. When we are triggered and feeling annoyed or hopeless, we tend to respond in ways that add fuel to the fire. The best thing you can do is to notice that moment when expectations and reality clash. How does it feel in your body? What kind of self-talk comes up for you? Are you telling yourself you’re doing this all wrong? Are you resentful because your own enjoyment seems to be so dependent on everyone else? Are you sad that things feel so difficult? Take a moment to be with all of that. Be kind to yourself. And maybe think about the next point.

Take care of yourself
What do you like to do and are you finding the time for any of it? If you have small children, or children with high needs, it can feel very complicated to bring yourself and your needs into the mix. But, not only is it essential for everyone that you are well resourced, but you are also modelling what it looks like to meet your own needs, to rest, and to do things you love. It could be as simple as sitting in the garden with a tea and a book, or going for a swim. Or perhaps your children are old enough for you to plan a getaway for yourself for a day. This may well inspire them to think about what they would love to do. Often, taking the focus off our children and onto ourselves can give our children more space to think and expand in new and unexpected ways.

Embrace the differences
And finally, yes it is extremely hard to embrace the differences when the differences are what make the day complicated. It would certainly have been easier if we had all been a bit more alike, but we are five very different people and in the long-run that has been enriching in all sorts of wonderful ways.