But how will they cope in the real world?

“But how will they cope in the real world?” I was asked this a couple of weeks ago, not about my own children (what a relief to have older children!), but about self-directed children in generaI. I felt a wave of weariness and then tried to figure out what the questioner was actually asking. Then I started thinking of how my response to this question has evolved over time, as my own deschooling has evolved.

When we first left school, this question would make my heart beat faster, because it tapped into some anxieties of my own. I had absolutely no idea how they would cope in the real world! Although I knew that we were making the right choice for now, I couldn’t picture how they would move smoothly out into the world. So I remember fudging some kind of vague answer to keep the other person happy and to move the conversation as quickly as possible to steadier ground.

Some time into this new adventure, and I started to find the question annoying. After all, during the day, they were often the only children out and about, because all the other children were at school. Surely the best way to cope with the real world is to live in it. So my answer then was to list all the ways in which our children were very much out and about in the world, and to feel irritated that my interlocutor thought that school was the “real world”.

Later, I realised that people use the term “real world” to mean a couple of different things.

They may be asking how a child who has never had to do as they are told will learn to follow rules. How will they get up and go to work every day if they never had to do that for school? How will they get on with things and not argue with the boss if they never had to just sit down and be quiet? I understand why people might think this way, because our society and education system encourage us to think of children as intrinsically chaotic, lacking in focus, and needing to be controlled. It follows that they will never do anything if you don’t make them.

We can probably all agree, first of all, that blind compliance is not the value our world is most in need of. But also, the idea that we need to train someone into doing as they are told, rather than support them in their ability to take responsibility and make good choices is way off the science. There is plenty of research out there (particularly in the field of Self-Determination Theory) that shows that when people have the agency to make their own choices, they feel far more responsibility around those choices. I’ve seen this in action many times with my children. When they have chosen to do something, whether it’s a course or a weekend job, they get on with it. If the whole thing makes good sense to them, then they engage willingly with the tedious parts too.

The other assumption is that children who don’t go to school won’t have enough adverse experiences to learn to be resilient, because school naturally teaches a child how to deal with difficult situations in the “real world”. This one is a bit more nuanced. Firstly, I think that adults can be very flippant about children having a hard time, which is odd when you think how much we know about how our early years shape our lives, and how many adults go to therapy to unpick it all later. And, this sweeping assumption often misses the mark on what we know about resilience—difficult situations that cause a child stress or fear but lack emotional support don’t create resilience. Real resilience develops when children experience empathy, autonomy and the chance to overcome challenges with support. This certainly could happen in a school environment with great friends and a wonderful teacher, but the day is busy and the classes are big, so unfortunately that often won’t be the case.

At home, we could also fail to help our children develop resilience. We could try to smooth their paths so much that they rarely have to deal with any challenges, or we could also assume that adversity is good for them and not offer the emotional support they need. But, if we are intentional about it, we, and other adults and friends in their lives, have the opportunity to invest in helping them move through challenges and difficulties. For myself, as a person who probably looked very resilient from the outside, but really wasn’t at all, this piece of the puzzle has felt like the most important—helping them learn to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life without getting overwhelmed.

Of course, our children are likely to be involved in lots of things outside the home too. As my children have gotten older, each has moved out into the world at their own pace, gradually (or sometimes surprisingly suddenly!) expanding their interests, friendships and their geographical comfort zone. This self-paced expansion is often the case for children who don’t go to school, in which case there really is no sudden beginning of the “real world”, just a growing independence.

But it’s true, the world is indeed a complicated place and it is probably a good thing to ask ourselves regularly if we are preparing our children for the future. Do they have the freedom to practise making choices and decisions? Do they know how to advocate for themselves and for others? Are they compassionate to themselves? Are we supporting them to move out of their comfort zone? Are we a safe person they can talk to?

So, back to that question and how to answer it. I think I would now probably always ask what the person means by “real life”. If it’s about compliance, well there’s space for a longer conversation if we both have the time and willingness. And if it’s about resilience, well we’re always working on that.