You don't have to be someone else to be liked

A Jackdaw chanced to fly over the garden of the King’s palace.

There, he saw with much wonder and envy a flock of royal Peacocks in all the glory of their splendid plumage. Now, the black Jackdaw was not a very handsome bird, nor very refined in manner. Yet he imagined that all he needed to make himself fit for the society of the Peacocks was a dress like theirs. So he picked up some castoff feathers of the Peacocks and stuck them among his own black plumes.

Dressed in his borrowed finery, he strutted loftily among the birds of his own kind. Then he flew down into the garden among the Peacocks. But they soon saw who he was. Angry at the cheat, they flew at him, plucking away the borrowed feathers and also some of his own.

The poor Jackdaw returned sadly to his former companions. There, another unpleasant surprise awaited him. They had not forgotten his superior airs toward them, and, to punish him, they drove him away with a rain of pecks and jeers.

Borrowed feathers do not make fine birds.

One of our best survival tools is the ability to morph into whatever the social dynamic needs.

Wearing the clothes to fit into the clique. Pretending to be what your date wants. Adjusting your jokes for each friend group.

But this trait can lead your life in the wrong direction:

1. Faking who you are gets you into fake relationships

   When you’re an expert socialiser, you end up in friend groups that you don’t belong in, because you’ve convinced everyone (including yourself) that that’s who you are. You don’t enjoy being there. It feels exhausting to socialise because you’re constantly making calculations rather than just existing.
   

2. Hanging with people you don’t like is stopping you from meeting your real friends
   When you’re so busy morphing into something you’re not just to fit into the group, the people who you’d truly connect with are roaming the streets, wishing they could find someone like you.
   

3. People who don’t like the real you will make your life worse
   Whether it’s a job interview, a date, or hanging out with some new friends, trying to get people like you with force and manipulation is not helpful to your life.

   Why would you want someone around who doesn’t like you for who you are? The relationship will end up difficult and laborious if it’s not a genuine connection.

4. The relationship won’t work anyway
   The relationship will not go very far anyway if you do not genuinely like each other. The job will not go very well if your boss doesn’t like you, and the marriage will fail if you’re faking who you are to your partner.

   You can’t put up a front indefinitely without sacrificing performance or happiness.

5. Intelligent and high-quality people want authentic company
   There is no use trying to pretend to be a certain way to impress someone you desperately want to impress.

   The coolest, wisest and most interesting people just want authentic friends.

   They want you to bring your true self to the table because they know that that’s where the good stuff is. They know that everyone has a story, wisdom and character unique to them.

   They can find a faker anywhere, but it’s hard to find someone real.

“I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.” — Kurt Cobain

Those who spend all their energy trying to gain approval are never the ones who are content and happy.

I know that’s how I felt in my life.

And for me, in my most authentic times, I’ve unlocked all the great opportunities in life and met the people I call my best friends today.

Don’t get me wrong, it has also led to awkward moments, missed jobs and exclusion from friend groups.

But I guess those things were not meant for me anyway.

At the core of the issue, it’s a self-esteem thing (more on that next week).

If you don’t believe anyone could like the real you, you’ll spend all your time faking it.

But the truth is, the scale of the world guarantees that there are plenty of people who are looking for someone like you.

So stop focusing on the ones who aren’t.

Sincerely,

eren

A collection of all songs mentioned in this letter over the years.

My ‘must-watch’ list: Eren’s Quintessential Movie List