Reading · The Soul Minimalist

There are perks to living in the same place where you were married. You can visit old spots, nurture traditions, and grow with the changes to your own hometown. But there are always bound to be small sorrows, like how our beautiful wedding reception venue is now a used car lot, the regal weeping willow in the front yard reduced to a stump.

Reality can be the worst kind of bully to memory.

This week we celebrate 25 years of marriage and we headed back to one of our favorite stops from our honeymoon: Bar Harbor, Maine. We’ve had a similar experience here as we have had in our own hometown: some things have remained exactly as we remember them while others have fallen prey to time.

The last time we were here was this very week in June 2001, before I owned a cell phone, a digital camera, or had a blog. It was eleven years before Instagram was invented and three months before 9/11. One thing we brought with us back then was my fancy film camera and a large, very bulky tripod with a self-timer. Two weeks later we came back with 13 rolls of film to develop. We’ve had so much fun recreating some of those photos this week.

Along the shore path in Bar Harbor, Maine.

In honor of our anniversary, we’ve been reflecting on pivotal decisions we’ve made in the last 25 years. I promise I tried to just be a simple normal person and make a list. A list, Emily! A simple bullet pointed list!

But I could not. I had to explain everything.

I’m sorry and you’re welcome. Here are 25 decisions we’ve made in 25 years:

John takes a job as a staff deacon for the middle schoolers at a local church: This job didn’t start out as a pastoral position and paid less than $25K annually. Even though he had his MDiv and was technically over-qualified for this job, we decided for him to take it because he wanted to work with students and we wanted to stay in Greensboro after we got married.
Not to have a TV when we first got married: In 2001, the only way to watch a movie, a show, or the news was to have a TV, end of story. We decided to start our marriage without a TV so we could focus on love or whatever. It did not last long at all, dear reader, and became one of our first (and worst!) marital fights TO DATE.
Painting our living room orange: During my senior in high school, my bedroom was painted the most wonderful shade of coral and when John and I got our own place, I tried so hard to find that shade for our living room. I never got it right and we lived with orange walls for two years. I thought it was giving Pottery Barn but in reality I think it was more Halloween.
Taking a full time job at a local university: I worked very part time when we first got married so working full time as sign language interpreting coordinator was a big lifestyle change for us. Looking back, I think I pursued it because I was restless, a little bored, and felt like I wasn’t doing anything “important”.
Having a baby: We made a conscious decision to have a baby at the end of 2002 and then I kept not getting pregnant, month after month. Six months after that decision, a test was finally positive (and the second and third tests I took to be sure were too!) A month later we learned it was twins.
Allowing my national certification to expire: I worked hard after graduation to become a nationally certified interpreter. But because I couldn’t keep up with the continuing education requirements after the twins were born, we decided to let it expire.
Not seeking help for postpartum depression: This wasn’t a decision, exactly, but maybe a lack of curiosity about my own well-being. The twins were born seven weeks early in January. The dark, cold days combined with their fragile little bodies and learning how to be a mom to two whole humans—it all did a real number on me. Looking back, I now know I was struggling a lot more than I (or anyone around me) realized at the time.
Having a third baby when the twins were only two: Three under three was WILD. But now having three who are 22, 22, and 20 years old is a relief and a reward. That third baby healed a little something in me. He was born in June (warm and bright!) and he was a happy, full-term, sing-song-y doll.
Getting a dog: I wrote about When A Non-Dog Lover Gets One back in August of 2010, just days after we got our dog. I could not have imagined the next sixteen years with an actual dog living in my house. But here we still are.
Moving to the cul-de-sac: In 2008 we moved into a house next door to John’s brother’s family. It felt risky to live so near family, but our kids were small and we loved the idea of living near cousins. This was one of our favorite decisions of their childhood. We still live in that same house but my brother-in-law’s family moved across town in 2020. Those 12 years solidified a bond that I don’t think we (or especially our kids) would have had if we hadn’t lived next door.
Sending our kids to public school: When we had babies I had no idea the decision-making process we would wrestle through about schooling: Homeschool or not? Public or private? Magnet or neighborhood? In the end, we sent them to public school and we’ve been glad for it.
Writing a book proposal in 2009: I have a lot of pivotal work-related decisions that of course crossed over into family decisions. Writing that first book proposal was a decision John and I had to work through together. I figured nothing would come of it (!!) but it was something I was glad we went into with our eyes open.
Traveling when my father-in-law was sick: John’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2010, the same year I finished my first book. Before it released in 2011, I had some work related travel scheduled. Frank was very sick and I debated whether I should cancel my trip. John insisted I go and so I did. At the end of the trip, on the highway one hour from home, I got the call that he had died. Not being there is still one of my biggest regrets.
Traveling to Italy for our 15 year wedding anniversary: We went with a group of writers and their partners (including my sister and brother-in-law) and I remember debating if we should spend the money, if it was all too extravagant. In the end, we went and it helped to solidify for us the importance of marking milestones. We still have a bottle of wine we brought home from Italy that we haven’t opened yet.
Going to grad school: I distinctly remember saying to John as I was making this decision, “I know there isn’t a wrong choice and that’s what makes this so hard.” It would have been easier if he had felt strongly that I not do it. In the end, I decided to go for it and graduated with my Masters in Christian Spiritual Formation and Leadership in 2019.
Staying in Greensboro: There were several seasons over the last 25 years where we considered a move to Pasadena, California and also Nashville, Tennessee. But we kept choosing Greensboro.

At 6 pm, the moment our wedding ceremony started 25 years earlier.
Leaving churches: Three times during our marriage we’ve left a church behind: once because of John’s job, once because of mine, and once because we discerned it was no longer the right fit for our family (I wrote a whole book about the last one).
Deciding not to have more kids: It’s no small thing to make a permanent decision about future children, but John took the necessary measures and we have never looked back.
Adopting unconventional roles: For the first 12 years of our marriage, John worked full time and I stayed home (aside from those 2 years when I worked before we had kids). I did the majority of the meal planning, grocery shopping, house and kid stuff and John worked at churches and did all things related to cars, trash, and grass. In 2013 things shifted and John took on more of a stay-at-home dad role while I began to work more. It’s been a gift to have a partner who is honest about what he enjoys doing and encourages me to lean into my gifts, too.
Traveling to Hawaii: John was asked to officiate a wedding in Hawaii and the bride and groom-to-be offered to pay my way, too. I almost didn’t go (can you even imagine?) but decided to go for it and it remains one of our favorite trips. I’ve not had better Thai food before or since.
Visiting a Quaker church: We had both been drawn to Quakerism for years but had never attended a meeting. Once we did, some things just seemed to click for us and we remain Quaker curious Christians, finding this to be an authentic expression of our faith.
Becoming spiritual directors: Some decisions are so gradual you can’t point to a time you made them. But much like Quakerism, spiritual direction just fits for both of us.
Re-examining theological convictions: Hopefully this will be a life-long rhythm for us. But we continue to weigh long-held theological convictions against the life and ministry of Christ. As we do, some things hold and other things fall away. May it continue to be so.
Releasing our expectations on who our kids will become: Last night during dinner we sat near a young couple who had 8 month old twins. At one point, we caught eyes and John mentioned we also have twins who are now 22. “Any advice?” the young dad asked him. We spouted off a few words of encouragement, looks like you’re doing a great job! And left it at that. But upon reflection here’s what I would say.

Do your best to begin releasing your expectation around who your girls will become. Let them be their own people, even now. The sooner you can begin to let go of who you think they will be or should be, the more deeply you will enjoy the process of parenting them.

Releasing our expectations on who we will become: Of course this is life long. But part of growing older is learning how to let go, not just of the little things but of all the things, including ourselves. John has been my greatest teacher in this area and we are always encouraging one another to this end. Every day there’s something to let go of. In the release, there is always a surprising combination of grief and joy; a curious kind of death and a new kind of life.

Here’s to all of the decisions you’re making and will make; and to the person who you are and are becoming.

As always, I love to hear from you and I’m glad you’re here.

epf

25 Years of Decisions

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