on feeling behind

Some mornings I wake up weighed down by the overwhelming sensation that everyone is above me in the ladder of life, and I’m the little sour serpent looking up longingly, wallowing and wondering why I’m not higher than I thought I’d be.

Feeling behind, I’ve noticed, is a narrative my brain tends to enjoy circling back to. As a result I often have to remind myself of how feeling behind makes absolutely no sense in the grand scheme of Being- it’s a story constructed by the mind, nothing more.

I hope this piece can help snap you back into reality too.

The issue with the internet

The internet was created less than 50 years ago. Instagram launched in 2010. Before the internet, our comparison bubble was restricted to people we knew around us, friends, family and people at work. It might have extended out to film stars and musicians, but we would have only had exposure to such ‘success’ sifting through magazines or seeing them at the movie theatre, but we'd encounter them only in magazines or at the cinema, and we'd hold onto a handful of names at most. We couldn't possibly keep track of everyone.

It’s no wonder that nowadays, when mass media is thrown at us like flashing of paparazzi lights, we’re left blinded and frazzled. As humans we were never meant to see so many faces in our lifetime, keep track of so many people and be bombarded with so much information of where we could be and what we could be doing. It’s simply exhausting. Deciding to block out social media for a while, can be a little step into quieting some of this noise.

The problem with comparaison

I'm certain there are people doing "better" than me. In fact, if you go looking for people who are ahead, you will find them- your brain is very good at selectively focusing on what it's searching for (as the red car theory explains).

The thing is, our lives as human beings are complex. They are a jigsaw puzzle of pieces: relationships, friendships, career, health, finance and so forth. Some of your pieces will be smaller and less developed than others, some parts well connected and others still scattered along the ground waiting to be discovered. Comparing your ‘whole unfinished puzzle’ to someone else’s ‘perfect piece’ is a recipe for misery, and quite simply incomparable. Yes, Jeff may appear ‘ahead’ of you financially, but perhaps his friendships are suffering. Or Amanda is in a ‘dream’ relationship but is struggling with a health condition you’re unaware of. Maybe someone’s puzzle looks more complete, but they’re 10 years older than you, or someone younger appears quicker to piece things together but will have had to sacrifice pieces along the way.

Comparing against your future self

Perhaps you’re not as far ahead as you thought you’d be by now in one area of your life. But take care to consider other areas you have been pouring into along the way and don’t discard them. You may want it all and you can have it all but perhaps not all at once.

Things will grow at different times, depending on what you focus on and right now your focus seems to be on being behind, which is only helpful if you want to feel stuck in that. Don’t attach your worth to a fantasy future version of yourself when there is such radiance in who you are today.

Even if you still feel like people are ahead of you, it’s worth asking: what is it they’re actually reaching for? Is what they have even what you want - or just what looks appealing from the outside?

If the answer is the latter, let it go. If the answer is the former, let it fuel you as a reflection of what you value, what you’ve focused on, and where you might want to direct your energy next. Either way, trust that each season of your life is teaching you something, even the uncomfortable ones.

Even when you “catch up” to one group, there will always be someone further along- so comparison can never lead to contentment. Each achievement might feel like you’re stepping up but unless you allow yourself to acknowledge that step, and how far you’ve climbed, you’ll always be looking up the mountain at the next person instead of admiring the view around you. If your focus is on your own lack now, it most probably will be 10 years from now too.

Everyone is on different paths with different starting points and timelines. It’s not an equal race.

If we think of life as a race, and feel some people might ‘finish’ before us- how does that truly affect us? Does the trophy they receive erase the race we ran? Perhaps we reached the finished line a little later because we stopped to smell the flowers on the way. We must also remind ourselves that many people will have had a head start. Some people will start 10km ahead; others were handed a race car. And on the flip side, there maybe people behind us carrying children on their backs, or stopping to help others. Does that make their journey any less rich and meaningful, simply because it took a little longer?

It's impossible to compare yourself to those around you, because we're not all starting at the same time or with the same advantages. We're not even running the same race. What race are you running? That's the question.

I think that's why watching marathons is so moving- you witness the vast diversity of people chasing different things, running for all kinds of causes, running through grief, love, injury, and determination, and keeping going despite all odds. And then there are the people along the way: cheering you on, holding your hand up steps, pulling you through mud. Perhaps that matters more (and is more interesting) than someone just chasing the fastest time and trampling over people to get there.

If this is all a race and you feel behind, maybe the answer isn't to run harder. Perhaps it's to savour where we are, to notice who is alongside us, holding our hands and cheering us on. To catch the light sifting through the trees, illuminating our path. We may never reach the people miles ahead, and that's okay. What's the point of reaching the finish line having wished the whole race away?

After taking the time to recognise and acknowledge where you are now, if you still feel stuck, you can choose to redirect your focus from comparison toward attention- to your own life, your own direction, your own small daily movements forward.

Taking action, in my experience, is the quickest way to feel a little better about your journey. Try writing down all the different areas of your life and choosing one to give your energy to each week. Write down your weekly wins too, not to perform progress, but to remind yourself that you are, in fact, moving. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

The focus shift is: from comparison → to attention, presence, and your own direction.

There is an uncomfortable liminal space between who you are and who you want to become. That transitional phase is messy, mistakes are make and things are trialled. Things aren’t polished and that’s’s okay.

You’re not behind anyone.

Lots of love,

Eloïse