The rules that are running the show

I have been thinking about rules a lot recently. And I think what I have sussed out will help you too.

In Switzerland, they love a rule! There are so many rules – from when to use the washing machine and garden machinery, times to practice musical instruments, not walking your children to school, how to recycle, where to park your car – the list feels limitless!

I was warned by many people that I will get told off, people are very happy to let you know when you have done something wrong and it is part of what makes the country work so well that everyone appears to abide by these rules. But as a perfectionist people pleaser, being told off is something I have spent most of my life actively avoiding.

It is an area I have been working on for a number of years though and I noticed the biggest shift after becoming a mum. There were so many implicit rules and expectations placed on me as soon as I became pregnant – from what I could and couldn’t eat, people’s expectations of what I should or shouldn’t be doing and how I was doing them. It became suffocating at times, the fear that if I did the wrong thing I would kill my precious unborn child. Once my daughter was born the advice and differing opinion grew tenfold that if I continued to take one as a personal attack I would quickly turn into a nervous wreck.

I started trying to perceive the comments or feedback as people trying to help, rather than judge. There were still times it felt like people were judging but more often than not, people were trying to provide nuggets of wisdom they had found useful. Instead of taking it as a personal attack when someone did something differently or suggested an alternative, I would appreciate their differing view and consider if it could be useful for our situation.

I also gave myself permission to decide what I took on board and what I did not. Just because someone told me that sleep training was the only way forward for them did not mean I had to do it. It did not mean I discounted their experience but that it was not the right fit for me. This did not happen overnight, it happened with a lot of reflecting, researching and support from people around me.

As adults we tend to abide by many rules that were written for us but we rarely take the time to review. The things we were taught as children by our parents or those around us about how to behave. You might recognise it as the internal voice telling us to reply to the WhatsApp message so someone doesn’t get upset, to remember the birthdays and think about everyone else’s needs, to appear grateful for what you have, and to only rest once everything is done.

In my work supporting parents we look at those rules to understand where they have come from – was it from how we were parented, is it societies conditioning or other experiences that have shaped these internal voices that govern our behaviour. We then work out if those rules are helping or hindering. What comes up again and again, is how those rules and previous experience are impacting the way my clients are parenting their own children.

If you have read all the parenting books and tried all the different scripts but still feel like you aren’t the mum you want to be then it is quite possibly these rules and scripts running the show.

If this is landing for you - if you’re recognising those rules running the show - I have a few spaces opening up for 1:1 work with clients in the UK and Europe to explore exactly this. It’s where we slow down and figure out which rules are actually yours. To explore this further you can book in a free 15-minute call with me here.

With love,

Ellie