I had made too many decisions already

I kept glancing at my watch as I walked my dog quickly in the woods behind our house, trying to calculate which route I could do that would give us both as much exercise as possible but ensure I was at school pick up on time.

At the same time I was going through my mental to do list of tasks - checking the GP had registered us; booking my daughter in for a GP appointment; wondering if I had chosen the right GP; I need to book an opticians appointment; can I pick up some food on the way back from pick up with the children or will they be too tired as they are still settling in - the list goes on.

The mental load is commonly spoken about but I still don’t think the weight of it is fully appreciated. Being on standby the whole time. Having the constant awareness of what everyone needs. Holding everything in mind about what needs to be done - appointments, hygiene routines, medication, household tasks.

It amounts to hundreds of decisions each day. Which all adds up to thousands of decisions each week. Although each one may be small in isolation - and some may require hours of thought and research - built up together it can feel like an overwhelming mountain, using up significant amounts of psychological, physical and emotional energy.

Yet we continue to hold it all and make all the decisions.

Until it gets too much and we reach the decision we struggle to make - often a very straightforward one.

For me it was being asked where I wanted to meet someone for lunch. A small decision in comparison to everything else I have been navigating, but it was one decision too many. It would have involved working out where to meet and researching places to eat. I was honest and asked to be told where to meet, even if it meant me driving further, because quite frankly I had made too many decisions already.

I had full-blown decision fatigue.

I wonder if you have experienced this too?

I like to think of a glass jar full of marbles when I think about my capacity to make decisions - to represent that I have a finite number of decisions I can make. If I make too many decisions without having time to replenish supplies, I run out of capacity.

At particularly busy periods of life - whether it is becoming a mum, when there is so much to learn and decide, or starting a new job, with all the new people, new processes, new systems to learn, or children starting school, when there is so much to organise and so many people to meet - my decision jar gets emptied very quickly. There isn’t much capacity on top of all the decisions I am already making as a working mum of two.

So to try and support myself in these times of transition, whenever I start a new role or something big in my life, I try and ease up my schedule for the first three months. Giving myself as much opportunity to recuperate at the weekends or evenings. This is easier said than done, but even a mindset shift of being kinder to myself when I cannot make a decision, or sticking to simple, repeated meals during this period, can make a real difference.

So as we navigate a new country, a new school, a new house, and everything else that comes with it, I have to regularly remind myself not to take on anything else. To try and put in boundaries. To say no to being class rep, or to some social events, even when there is the temptation to get involved.

I am also aware that I am not only navigating the change for myself. I am also supporting my children through this huge transition too.

And that emotional buffer takes emotional and psychological capacity.

I am sure this is something you can relate to, but I don’t think we acknowledge it enough. We can wonder why we are so tired, even berate ourselves for it, comparing ourselves to other mums who seem to be managing fine - while simultaneously remembering several people’s schedules, what foods each person likes or doesn’t like, what appointments people need, when people’s birthdays are, providing emotional support at the drop of a hat, whilst cooking dinner or doing bedtime.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

So next time you find it hard to make a decision, or feel utterly exhausted at the end of the day, please hold compassion for yourself and everything you are holding.

And keep an eye on it. If it is for a relatively short period of time during a transition, that makes complete sense. If it is ongoing - associated with brain fog, finding it hard to get through the day - please don’t dismiss it. Reach out for support. Get physical checks done, to make sure there isn’t anything underlying it. And get psychological help if physical causes are ruled out or managed and the symptoms still persist. There are so many things that can be done to manage persistent exhaustion, brain fog, and burnout.

If this is landing for you, I work with mums through this exact thing. I have a few spaces opening up for 1:1 work to explore what’s keeping you stuck and how to move through it. I work with clients in the UK and Europe.

Book a free 15-minute call here

With warmth,

Ellie

Dr Ellie Hambly

Clinical Psychologist