How to disagree without making it weird

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And now, on to the newsletter!

Dear reader Angie wrote in asking about confrontation and disagreement. In her own words, here is her question:

I was wondering if you had any resources talking about learning to be more confrontational, because I find that a lot of times it’s hard for me to disagree with others mainly because I’m afraid of disappointing them or of making them feel like they are wrong. But at the same time I feel like I’m being fake if I don’t say what I truly think.

On the one hand, Angie is being thoughtful and kind—she doesn’t want people to feel bad, disappointed, or stupid. This is lovely.

On the other hand, Angie is asking for advice because her reluctance to disagree costs her, leaving her feeling fake if she hides her opinions, but feeling anxious if she shares them.

When Angie asks about “learning to be more confrontational,” I think the concept she’s going for is assertiveness, broadly defined as the capacity to express one’s needs, rights, and opinions directly and respectfully, without infringing on the rights of others.

The concept of assertiveness grew out of the work of behavioral psychologist Dr. Andrew Salter in the 1940s, and well as Dr. Joseph Wolpe, father of systematic desensitization (put a pin in that; we’ll circle back later).

Salter and Wolpe’s contributions built the foundations for the four styles of communication we are familiar with today:

• Passive

• Aggressive

• Passive-aggressive

• Assertive

Passive communication is characterized by avoidance: avoiding conflict or avoiding expressing our feelings or opinions. It prioritizes other people’s needs above our own.

Note: I think the label “passive” is a misnomer, because people who use a passive communication style work really hard—it takes a lot of emotional labor to keep the peace and be regarded as agreeable. A better label, IMHO, would be avoidant communication.

Next, aggressive communication is exactly what you’d imagine: hostile, intense, intimidating. It prioritizes our own needs above the needs of others.

Passive-aggressive communication is aggressive communication in passive packaging. It’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Passive-aggressive communication expresses anger with plausible deniability, like disguising insults as jokes, acting like a martyr, backhanded compliments, or sulking. In short, it expresses anger indirectly.

What passive-aggressive communication is not: the sudden, out-of-character flip from passive accommodation to angry action. For example, a client we’ll call David gritted his teeth through hosting an inconsiderate houseguest for days, never asking him to change his rude behaviors, until David finally lost it and kicked him out, an action that mortified him for years afterward. If, like David, your communication generally falls into the “passive” subtype, you’ve likely experienced the “passive…passive…passive…aggressive!” outburst, followed by stomach-dropping guilt or shame.

Assertive communication, on the other hand, is direct and honest. It prioritizes our needs and others’ needs equally. It’s not the norm or ideal in every culture, but in modern Western culture, it works.

That said, Western pop culture idealizes something between assertive and aggressive: Take up space! Don’t compromise! Be unapologetic! We’re supposed to channel our inner Rancho Carne Toro: Be aggressive! Be-ee aggressive!

However, those of us familiar with social anxiety aren’t wired that way. In fact, if we aren’t used to disagreeing, our brain protests when we actually do it.

So, for Angie and all of us, how can we wrap our heads around being direct rather than avoidant when we disagree? Here are four ways to think differently, plus some useful sentence stems for disagreeing:

Reframing disagreement to “I’m adding my point of view” shifts our mindset from threat—disappointing them or making them feel like they are wrong—to contribution. We’re offering a different take, not trampling theirs.

Picture some good old fashioned scales of justice. You want to weigh the opinions of others and yourself the same. Your goal: leave the discussion with respect for them, but also respect for yourself.

As someone with my own history of social anxiety, I can relate to treating people cautiously, just like Angie. I still choose my words carefully so as not to disappoint, shame, or offend. That said, I have found that people can usually handle more than we think. Unless you have past evidence that the other person is easily hurt or offended, you are probably safe to state your opinions without twisting yourself into a pretzel. In my experience, most people just roll with it.

Also, we get to set the tone. If we, to mix my metaphors, dance verbal circles on eggshells around someone, they can tell we’re treating them as if they’re fragile or incapable, and that makes things weird.

My favorite example of tone-setting: think of the last time you got a breast, pelvic, or testicular exam. I bet a no-nonsense medical assistant handed you a gown and said “Ok, take off all your clothes and put on this gown with the opening toward the front.” They set a matter-of-fact tone that made you feel like the request was totally reasonable.

On the other hand, imagine if they hemmed and hawed, and said something like, “Oh, I know this is weird and uncomfortable, and I’m sorry it’s so cold in here, but if you don’t mind, would you please take off your clothes and put on this gown? Also, sorry to give you more instructions, but can you face the opening towards the front?” You’d immediately feel awkward, on high alert, or like you have to take care of them.

So, channel your inner gown-wielding medical assistant and set a levelheaded, matter-of-fact tone when you disagree. People will follow your lead.

Remember the earlier shout-out to Joseph Wolfe and systematic desensitization? Time to circle back! Systematic desensitization is gradual exposure to whatever makes us anxious.

The universal template? Start easy and work your way up.

For example, you could work your way through different media: test out communicating assertively in written forms like email or texts (you have time to think and compose) if that’s easier for you. Then move your way up to the phone or Zoom, and finally, face to face.

You could also increase difficulty by person. Start with whoever is easy: strangers, your best friend—and work your way up to your grumpy boss or your judgy sister-in-law. Or escalate by topic: start with something lower-stakes, like a restaurant preference, and work your way up to politics or hot takes.

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We often picture “disagreement” as a hand-on-hips, clenched teeth confrontation. But assertiveness is drama-free:

Here are some sentence stems for when you want to disagree:

Try:

Validate their take and add on yours.

“That makes sense. For me…(add your take)” or “Yes, and…(add your take)”

Agree with part of what they’re saying.

I agree with you about ___, and I’d add that…”

“What do you think about (insert your idea)?”

Propose a new idea without explicitly rejecting theirs or overexplaining why. Channel your inner medical assistant-with-a-gown:

-Them: Can you host Thanksgiving for 15 extended family members?

-You: Why don’t we make a big restaurant reservation?

To wrap it up, big thanks to Angie for this question. All in all, we don’t have to start a bar fight just to take up our half of the conversation. Disagreeing isn’t about negating or overpowering someone else; it’s about letting our opinions exist alongside someone else’s.

(*For ultimate psychology nerds: Salter is one of the founders of the Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) and Wolpe also invented the concept of SUDS. If you are delighted to learn either of those things, we are in the same very nerdy club.)

Be good to others and yourself!