TRAD: Chapter 28

I was unspeakably nervous before I hit the buzzer at Danny’s apartment. I shifted my weight from foot to foot and sniffed my underarm to make sure anxiety sweat wasn’t seeping through my shirt. A woman pushed past me and held the door, giving me a look that said I could follow her in. I shook my head and took some deep breaths, willing myself to calm down.

Yes, I had hoped he would want to see me. Before my “trip,” he had talked about taking me out on a real date. Inviting me over at night implied other…activities. And while we’d gotten hot and heavy in the office, my anxiety favored spur of the moment over having to dwell on what might (or might not) happen.

Plus, there were the logistics of everything. I had paced my own apartment, trying to decipher what Danny’s text had meant. Did he want me to stay overnight? Did I need to pack a bag? Would that be too forward if I brought one? Like I was expecting to stay over? If I didn’t, what would I wear if I did stay overnight? Would he give me a shirt to sleep in? He would, right? People did that in movies. Or maybe I’d sleep naked as a last resort, but I didn’t love sleeping naked. In the end, I shoved a toothbrush and an extra pair of underwear in my purse and called it a night.

My stomach churned, and I took a deep breath as I pushed the buzzer. Danny let me in, and I walked up a flight of stairs. When he opened the door, my nerves calmed.

“Hey, you.” He cupped my face and kissed me, and I remembered why I was there. Danny felt like home. He pulled me away, smiling.

“Hey,” I breathed, as I caught my breath and looked around. The loft was all exposed brick and shiny wood floors. It must have cost a fortune—GLOW was paying him well. Like in his office, what I assumed were his photographs hung on the walls, everything from snow-topped mountains to wild riverscapes to African deserts. Looking at them all filled me with wonder, and I hoped one day I’d get to lay eyes on even a fraction of what he’d seen through his camera lens.

And, just like his office, there were piles of clutter and books everywhere: the unfinished wood coffee table, the island in the kitchen, and, I assumed, on his bedside table. He wasn’t messy, just a little…untidy. There were no crumbs or crumpled beer cans, no bugs, and it smelled like it had been freshly cleaned. It was cozy, lived in. It was a place I could belong, and the future I’d imagined with Danny suddenly seemed more possible than ever.

“I promise I tidied up before you got here,” he said, running his finger up my spine in a way that made me shiver. “I moved here like…six months ago and I’m still not completely settled.”

“I don’t believe you’re ever able to have a clean apartment,” I teased him. “I’ve seen your office, remember?”

“Right, I can’t pretend that I’m actually a tidy person with you, huh? Sit,” he said, gesturing to the velvety light green couch in the living room. “Do you want wine? I got a couple of bottles because I didn’t know what you liked. I have a white, a rose, and a red, just to cover all of the bases.”

“Rose is great,” I said as I sat down, moving a pillow over to the side. I couldn’t believe this was where I was in life. A job that I loved, and was good at, and was getting recognition at. A side hustle where I was able to help pay my bills easily. And a guy like Danny, who I was thisclose to considering my boyfriend, if we ever got around to defining whatever “this” was. Someone who understood me, and not just who I currently was as a person, but who I had been in the past. I’d never thought I’d find someone like that. I hadn’t even taken a sip of the wine yet, but I was already warm inside.

“So,” he sat down next to me and draped an arm around my shoulder. “Tell me everything about your trip. And everything about Martha.”

It took my brain a moment to catch up to what he was saying. Yes, I thought to myself. I’ve just been out of town, on a work trip, working very hard, not lounging at a hotel for the past three days. I bit my lip out of habit, working out the lies I was about to tell as my chest grew tight with the tell-tale squeeze of guilt I was becoming too familiar with when I talked Martha with Danny.

“Well,” I started, “It was really something. I flew out to Kansas, and you know, I grew up in the Midwest, but Wisconsin is different. It was so…flat.”

“Okay,” said Danny. “And besides the geographical differences in elevation? I love the plains, but that’s not what I’m asking about here.”

I swatted at him with a grin. “I’m getting there! Let me set the scene! So, anyway, Martha was an interesting character. Really different from what I expected, honestly.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I was expecting someone more like Nicky. More fake, or putting on a front that didn’t exist in her actual life. But from what I could see, she’s the real deal.”

“And you don’t think that was a front?”

I shook my head. “I don’t. The two of us…we really clicked. We had more in common than I expected.” That was an understatement, and I had a hard time saying it with a straight face. More and more, I was realizing how hard it was going to be to live this double life. If Danny and I did become official, how could I square him being my partner and having a whole side of myself he didn’t know about? My heart pounded at the thought, and I hoped I didn’t seem suspicious. I’d tell him at some point, surely. Just not tonight.

“Did you tell her about your upbringing?”

“I alluded to it. It was interesting, though. It was like our lives were swapped. She grew up more secular and then became religious. And I grew up religious and became secular.”

“Maybe that’s your angle.”

I sighed. “Maybe. But I don’t know if I want to get that personal, especially now that I know there’s going to be a bunch of eyes on it.”

“I’d love to challenge you on that,” Danny said. “It might help you process some things. You don’t have to go into all of it. But it could add something different to the piece, an angle not a lot of other writers have.”

“Good point,” I said. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

“And you couldn’t talk her into any pictures?”

“Nope,” I said. “She was adamant about that. No photos of her, so we’ll have to get the graphics people to come up with some artwork.”

“Sounds good to me. Danny drained what was left in his glass. “And I think I’m done with work talk, if that’s okay with you.” He leaned forward, bringing his lips to mine. “I…I really like you, Hannah. I wanted you to know that.”

“You’re in luck, because I really like you too. Like, a lot a lot.”

“A lot a lot?”

“Yeah. It’s a very technical unit of measurement. I like you a lot a lot.”

No sooner had I said it than his hands were in my hair, tangled in the loose curls I’d done just right. I groaned as he kissed my neck, then my collarbone. He looked up at me, his blue eyes dancing.

“Is this okay?”

I nodded, and his hand found its way up my shirt, his fingers tracing circles around my hip bone. He pulled me on top of him with ease and kissed me again, this time with more intensity.

I was pulled out of the moment by the sensation of something watching me. Was this deja vu from the last time we were in a similar situation? Some sort of flashback? I sat up and glanced around, and noticed an orange cat had jumped up onto the arm of the couch and was staring at me very intently.

“Whose this?” I asked.

“Oh,” said Danny. “That’s my Fitzy-boy. Fitzgerald. He’s a bit of a creeper.”

“Can you make him…stop?”

“What, you’re not into an audience?” He bit his lip playfully. “Let’s go to my room. We can shut the door.”

My heart pounded as I followed him to the bedroom. Like the rest of the apartment, it was cozy, with an overstuffed forest green comforter. A chenille grey blanket was folded over the end, and there were enough pillows for someone to get lost in.

As if he could sense my nerves, he looked at me and ran his hand down his spine. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Hannah. We don’t have to do anything at all if you’re not ready. Being with you, alone, is enough for me.”

I nearly lost it at that. “How did I get so lucky to find someone like you?” I asked him. “You’re like, the perfect guy.”

“Not perfect.” He didn’t break eye contact. “But maybe perfect for you?”

We tumbled onto the bed, shedding clothing as quickly as we could. I’d never felt this urgency before, this compelling force that I had to have someone, and have him now.

Everything took a turn when his hand dipped into my underwear, and I tensed involuntarily.

Danny could tell something was wrong. He immediately stopped and pulled his hand away, concern in his eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying to shake it off. “I’m fine. Keep going. Please.”

He smiled and continued. But as he tried to slide a finger inside me, I clenched out of habit. A familiar pain gripped me, and even though I knew the tightening sensation spreading through my body wouldn’t help, I couldn’t stop myself. Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t I be normal for once in my life? Why couldn’t one thing go right in my life?

I tipped my head back so Danny couldn’t see my eyes fighting tears. “No, we can just do it. Just do it.”

He gave me a look that cracked my heart a little, and pulled me into his arms. “You shouldn’t have to ‘just do it,’ Hannah. There’s no rush. We can take our time. We have plenty of it, and I’m not going anywhere.”

I lay there in his arms, with him stroking my hair. Just as I was about to drift off, I heard a buzzing sound coming from the floor, where my pants lay.

I rolled over to grab my phone. It was Sarah.

“Hey,” I said, lying on my back. “What’s up?”

Her voice was tight, as if she were on the edge of tears. “It’s Mom,” she said. “You need to book a flight home now.”

chapter 27

all chapters