TRAD: Chapter 27

In the end, I didn’t go all the way to Kansas. What was there even to do in Kansas if there wasn’t a trad wife to interview? There’s only so much barbecue one could eat on their own. I decided since I was meant to be on a trip, I’d take a mini staycation. I booked myself a room at the Carlyle, one of New York City’s most iconic hotels. A payday from Instagram plus some more baby stuff I’d sold on the side made it an easy splurge.

Plus, didn’t I deserve this, just a little? I’d been working hard at my day job and my Martha stuff. It wasn’t easy to juggle both of those things, and to juggle them well. The hotel was far enough from Brooklyn, I hoped I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew, but I tried to stay inside as much as possible. And when it came to work expenses like the flight and the company card? Well, I’d figure it out. It’s not like Danny was the one reconciling my expenses.

It wasn’t difficult. Between the spa, the restaurant, and the room service, I was able to sequester myself for three whole days of bliss and relaxation.

“Where are you?” Lottie asked me as I sat next to the pool, splashing my feet in the cool water as I sipped a cocktail. I’d made sure to check in with Lottie every day, and even though it hadn’t been long, she sounded better every time we talked. I’d sent her a care package to her house in Washington, and she’d said she was getting in a better frame of mind about trying again.

“Do you want another drink?” The waiter asked again, and I shoo’ed him away before he could blow my cover.

“Oh, just down at the river with some of the bigs,” I said. “Gideon has the littles for a while and it’s so nice to soak my aching feet, they’ve been killing me this–” I stopped abruptly.

“You don’t have to not talk about your pregnancy just because I lost my baby,” Lottie said. “I mean, I’m sad we’re not pregnant at the same time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear all about it.

“I’m not going to complain,” I said. “Especially to you. I know how lucky I am.”

“I’ll be lucky someday, too. Just like you.” Lottie went on about how she was looking into getting a referral for a reproductive specialist, and I told her I’d ask around and see if I knew of anyone good in her area. How hard could it be to find one in the Pacific Northwest that I could recommend?

“I have to say, I’m a little surprised you’re pro-IVF,” she said. “Not to assume, but I thought with how religious you are, you’d be pretty against it.”

Whoops. I’d forgotten I was speaking as Martha, not Hannah. The mask had slipped, and I needed to be more careful. While Hannah was thrilled IVF existed to help build families, Martha would, at the very least, be wary about a technology that allowed doctors to play God.

“Well, you’re right, I’m not totally for all of it,” I blustered. “I have concerns that I won’t go into. But there are interventions out there that are in line with my values.”

“You surprise me every single day, Martha,” she laughed, and I hurried to change the subject.

On day three, however, Jordan texted me and disturbed any sense of peace I’d built. I was lying in the plush comfort of the king-sized bed in my hotel room, sipping the bottle of champagne I’d just had sent up, and contemplating what I wanted to order from room service for my dinner. The air conditioning was set at a cool 62, and a new season of the latest Housewives played on the TV.

I’d felt bad since our fight, and it had been eating at me the entire staycation. Jordan and I never fought, we never even disagreed unless it was trying to decide whether to get Chinese or Vietnamese while we had one of our famous movie marathons. I avoided conflict like the plague, so leaving her apartment so angry had been a big deal for both of us.

Why are you back in the city already? The text read. Not trying to stalk you, but I thought you were in Nebraska or Kansas or whatever

Shit. I had forgotten Jordan and I shared locations with each other, as many single young women in New York do. Even if I had remembered, turning off my location would have been a massive red flag, so it was a lose-lose situation. But nevertheless, it was an olive branch.

Another lie sprang into my head. I was getting good at it. I cut it short, I typed. Got everything I needed much faster than I expected, so I caught an earlier flight home. That never happens, huh!!! I was overcompensating while also dancing around the argument we’d had. Was she going to bring it up first? Or should I apologize?

Nice! She said, How was it? This was the reaction of someone who was testing the waters, taking the temperature of our relationship.

Wild, I said. All of the usual trad wife stuff but with a little extra spice on top. It’s going to be a fun article. This lady is a crackpot, lol.

Aren’t they all, she typed. Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Shit shit shit, I thought to myself. Was Jordan going to tell Danny I was back? Not on purpose; she wouldn’t seek him out to tell him I was in town, but who knows if she was in the office today, or if it would come up in a meeting or an email. I had to fix this. I had to apologize to Jordan, even if I wasn’t really sorry. I needed her on my side.

Look, I texted. I’m sorry for the other night. I was an asshole.

No, you were right, she replied. I’m a big girl, I need to be able to do things without you, as much as that makes me sad.

Regardless, I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said, I typed. Forgive me?

Always.

Want to hang out tomorrow? I texted. I’m going to get a start on the article in the morning, but after that, I’m all yours, even if Danny wants to hang out.

Yes!!! Let me know when you’re free, k? I don’t have much going on.

One crisis averted. On to the next. I started to type out an email to Danny, but began to second-guess myself. Should I email him? Or text him? We were on a texting basis, but this was a work thing. Would it look weird if I texted him about work? Would he get suspicious that I wasn’t where I said I was going to be? Would he know? Would he talk to Jordan? It could come up in conversation, you never knew. Back and forth I went, until I wound up where I started: typing him an email from my phone while I paced in the luxurious hotel room, wearing my robe and slippers. I glanced at the room. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye so soon, but alas, choices had to be made.

Hi Danny,

I wanted to let you know I booked an earlier flight home since I got everything I needed from Martha faster than expected. Would you like to meet to discuss next steps re: the feature?

Best,

Hannah

In an instant, he texted me his response: You don’t know how excited I am to hear you’re back early. Been missing you. Can I see you tonight?

chapter 26

all chapters