To be Honest

I

Bill’s cat Milo was in his favorite nighttime position, purring, eyes closed in contentment, laying down next to Bill in bed. Although this prevented Bill from getting to sleep, it was a wonderful way to end the week, a warm furball snuggling up to him for comfort. Milo was particularly soothing tonight, after Bill’s wife Susan had erupted at him for some previous slight, that had built resentment as it burrowed deeper into her heart. Bill had hoped that since both of them were in their 50s, with reasonably successful careers, these eruptions would subside, but it was not to be.

“Ah, Milo, it’s such a great comfort to have you here,” Bill said to his older tuxedo cat.

Milo started kneading.

“You’re not like these damn humans. They are so complicated. Why can’t everyone be simple and true like a cat.”

Milo looked up, ears on alert.

“You don’t care what I say, as long as I provide food and shelter.”

Milo stopped kneading.

“Susan is so damn complicated. I don’t even know what I said to get her so mad. She’s a mystery. Instead, you’re just happy if I remember to clean your litter box.”

Milo stood up in bed.

“The great thing about you, Milo, is that you are just as loyal as a dog. You are always happy just to be with me.”

Milo jumped off the bed and sat on the floor.

“It’s funny, I actually wanted a dog, but Susan insisted on a cat. She likes them because cats are independent. But I got lucky, because our cat Milo acts just like a dog.”

Milo stalked out of the bedroom.

“Bye Milo. Off to get a snack, I guess. Still, if only I could understand humans like I understand cats. If I just knew what Susan was really thinking, life would be so much easier.”

II

The next morning Bill decided to smooth things over by making Susan Saturday breakfast in bed. He got the timing right, as he delivered her a tray of scrambled eggs, toast and hot coffee just as she had woken up.

“Good morning honey, I hope you are hungry,” Bill said.

“What a nice surprise,” Susan smiled warmly as she sat up in bed. (I hope the coffee isn’t cold this time), she thought to herself.

“What?” Bill said, right before he delivered the food. “What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Here you go,” Bill said as he put the tray down on her lap.

“It looks wonderful.” She took a sip of coffee and put it down. (Damn it, the coffee is cold. Probably he made it first and it got cold while he did everything else), she thought.

Bill scrunched up his forehead. “Is there something wrong with the coffee?”

“Umm, ah, no, I just wanted to start on the eggs.” (Damn, he noticed that. Does this mean I have to drink cold coffee? What a crappy way to start the day.)

“Ah, Susan, if you like, I can warm up your coffee. It sat for a bit while I finished up breakfast.”

(My god, he actually noticed something. I should mark this day on my calendar.) “Oh, that would be lovely. You know I like my coffee hot.”

“Of course, honey,” Bill said, as he scurried back to the kitchen microwave. Apparently, for some inexplicable reason, he could hear her thoughts. Thank god. At last he would know what she was actually thinking beneath the smiles. He rushed back to her with steaming hot coffee.

Susan had eaten a piece of toast and picked at the eggs. (At least he can make toast. Three cheers for the toaster.) When she saw him, she said “thank you so much dear.”

As she was drinking the coffee, he noticed the roll of her belly. Damn, Bill thought, she really is starting to gain weight.

No reaction.

Susan started eating the second piece of toast. (Do I really have to eat the eggs? They are disgusting. Maybe I can build him up on something else so that he forgets about it.) “Bill, dear, this coffee is delicious. What a great start to the day.” She put the tray aside and got up and gave him a kiss.

Bill smiled broadly. “You don’t have to finish everything if you don’t want to.”

Susan thought (Thank god it worked. One small victory for today.) “Maybe not dear. I usually only eat a light breakfast.”

“Of course,” Bill said as he picked up the tray and started toward the kitchen, but before he left he heard:

(He is so easy to manipulate. That is, if I want to bother. And he calls me dumb.)

Bill’s happiness had cooled considerably as he tossed the eggs in the trash and cleaned up. I thought that she was a lot happier than this. Was she always like this, or just mad right now?

Bill stomped back to the bedroom. What a spoiled brat, he thought to himself.

(He did try. I have to remember to thank him when he makes an effort,) Susan thought. “Bill, dear, thank you so much for making breakfast. It was a wonderful surprise.” She gave him a long hug. (Normally he only does nice stuff like this for Milo.)

At least Milo really appreciates it, Bill thought. Still, she had warmed up, and this was a unique opportunity to find out what was really wrong.

“Umm, honey,” Bill began.

(Jesus, can’t I have one moment of peace before he starts bugging me.)

“I know that you are a bit upset, so maybe we can talk about it.”

(A bit? Can’t he pick up any clues?) “Well,” Susan said, “of course we can talk about it.”

“Hmm, maybe we could start,” Bill said, “by talking about why you are upset at me.”

“Bill, dear, why don’t you think through what you said to me yesterday.” (Has he really forgotten so easily. Saying that his wife is too dumb to understand his job. He thinks that soggy eggs will make up for that. Dream on, buddy.)

This is really helping, Bill thought. “Well, I know that we were talking about my job. I wanted to talk it through, but I didn’t want to bore you with too many details. I don’t remember exactly what I said…”

“I do. I sure do,” Susan said. “You said, ‘I know that you don’t have the background to understand something this complicated.’” (What a jerk. I’m a professional too, damn it. In fact, my career’s going better than his.)

“I couldn’t have said that,” Bill said

(This is going worse than his soggy eggs.) “Yes, you did. I have replayed it in my mind plenty of times,” Susan said.

Bill swallowed hard. “Ok, I am sorry. I did not mean that.” Bill remembered what she was thinking. “”Susan, I know how smart you are. I wanted to ask for your advice, since you are doing so well in your career. I was trying to say that I didn’t want to waste your time with too many details. You know how sometimes I say things that come out wrong.”

“Indeed I do.” (This was getting better, more like the hot coffee.) “Ok, I accept your apology.” (This is the best that I am going to get.)

“Thanks, honey, can we seal it with a kiss.”

They did.

“So, Susan, what would you like to do today? Maybe go to a ballgame? You usually like to get outside.”

(God no, not again. Can’t we do something cultural just once. Maybe see the new art exhibit at my friend’s gallery, next to my favorite Thai restaurant) “We did go last week to a game. Perhaps we should try something different?”

“Umm, ok, well, what about something cultural,” Bill said. “How about your friend’s art gallery. We haven’t seen that yet.”

“What a wonderful idea!” Susan said. “I wanted you to see it.” (How did he come up with that?)

“A husband just knows, I guess.”

(Keep smiling, at least he finally got something right.)

“Actually, you know what?” Bill said. “We could even have lunch at the Thai restraurant next door.”

“Great, done.” (Wait a second, what is going on here.) “”Bill, dear, how did you know that the Thai restaurant was next to the art gallery?”

“Ah, well, I just googled it and looked around,” Bill said. “I know how you love Thai food.”

“Yes, I do. But how did you google the art gallery?” (There is no way that he remembers the name.) “Bill, dear, can you tell me the name of the art gallery?”

“Umm, I don’t remember it right now.”

“But you magically remembered it before.” (Bullshit.) Susan continued, “but surely you remember the name of the Thai restaurant, don’t you?”

“Ah, no. I don’t like being put on the spot here,” Bill said.

(This smells pretty fishy.) Susan said, “this is fishy. What is really going on?”

“Nothing,” Bill said, “I am just trying to understand you better, that’s all.”

(Bullshit, there is no way he is doing this on his own.) “That sounds very nice, but this is a quantum leap in just one day.” (How did he do it. Did he look through the messages to my friends. He wouldn’t like a lot of what’s said there.)

“Um, I am just trying my best here,” Bill said. “Don’t you like that I know what you are thinking.”

(That’s it. He seems to know everything that I am thinking. Yikes.) “No, I don’t like it. It’s invasive. It’s creepy. How the hell are you doing it.” (I am going to wring the truth out of him if I have to kill him.)

“Oh, god,” said Bill. “Ok, ok, I’ll come clean.”

“Please do,” Susan said. “NOW!”

“All right, umm. Yesterday we had a big fight, and I had no idea why you were mad. Last night I was talking it over with Milo…”

(His one confidant.)

“Umm, and I wished that I could understand humans as well as cats. The next morning I could hear all your thoughts, both what you said and what you were thinking.”

“Are you for real?” (This is getting even creepier.)

“Yes, yes, I don’t know how, but now I hear your thoughts.”

“Prove it,” Susan said.

“You thought that the eggs were soggy and disgusting,” Bill said. “You never told me, but you kept thinking it.”

(Jesus, take the wheel. I always wanted him to understand me better, but this is impossible.)

“Isn’t this great?” Bill said. “Now I will know why you are upset.”

“No, this is terrible. This is too invasive. You have to find a way to turn it off.”

“But I don’t know how. I don’t even know how I started it.”

Susan slowly got dressed, put on her shoes, and got her purse, keeping her mind as blank as possible. She turned to Bill before she left, and said, “Bill, just so we are on the same page, I am going to articulate all my thoughts. I am leaving now to my friend’s art gallery, and then I will treat myself to a delicious Thai lunch. You are not invited. You will use this afternoon to reverse whatever you did. You can reverse engineer your chat with Milo. I don’t care how. Just stop it.”

Susan walked in a slow and dignified manner to the door, opened it, gave Bill one last glare, went out and slammed the door shut.

III

“Milo, come on, man, we need to figure this out,” Bill said.

Milo appeared ready to resume his early afternoon nap.

Bill realized that Milo might be overwrought from worrying too much. Bill went to the kitchen and opened a can of tuna fish to revive Milo and help lubricate his thinking. It was technically against their house rules to feed Milo tuna, but this was a desperate time which called for desperate measures. Milo immediately appeared, and hopped onto the kitchen table before Bill could even put the bowl of tuna on the floor. Milo wolfed it down and purred with delight. After Milo finished, Bill hurriedly washed the bowl, and made a mental note to surreptitiously buy another can of tuna. Bill was in enough hot water already.

“Ok, Milo, it’s time for us to think, think, think.”

Milo moved closer to Bill, close enough for Bill to smell the tuna in his cat breath. Milo put his paw on Bill’s mouth.

“Oh My God,” Bill said. “Milo, you’re a genius. I will just say that I don’t want to hear her thoughts. It worked when I asked to understand her. Logically, the reserve should work as well.”

Bill thought for a moment, and said in a commanding tone, “henceforth, I do not want to know what Susan is thinking. Let the power of understanding Susan’s thoughts be forever terminated and defunct.”

“That should do it, Milo, you old pal.” Bill gave Milo a rather clumsy hand to paw high five. “If this works, Milo my friend, I will sneak you tuna dinners whenever she is away.”

Milo’s ears perked up.

IV

Susan came straight to Bill when she got home. “So, were you able to reverse it?”

“I think so. Milo and I worked on it all afternoon.”

“With those minds working in unison, you guys could probably travel to Mars. Reversing this is just a minor tweak in your suite of achievements. Let’s test it, go!”

Bill nodded. Milo ambled in to observe.

“I am thinking of something,” Susan said. “”What is it?”

“No idea.”

“Really, Bill? No idea.”

“It’s blank. Honest.”

“Great, do you know what I was thinking?”

Bill shook his head.

“I was thinking that we could go to another baseball game next weekend.”

“Really,” Bill said, “that would be fun.”

“Hold up,” Susan said, “that was just a test. Ok, I am thinking of something else.” She looked at Milo. Milo got up and left. “What is it?”

Bill shrugged his shoulders.

“That we should give up Milo for adoption.”

“Oh god, no, Susan. This place would be so empty without him. I thought you loved cats.”

“I do,” said Susan. “It was just a test.”

She continued, “Bill, I was thinking about it more. Reading my thoughts was crazy, but it actually came from a good place, right?”

“Right, absolutely,” Bill said. “I just wanted to figure out why you were mad. Sometimes it’s like an archeology dig, sifting through layer after layer to find the hidden gem why you’re upset.”

Susan laughed. “Sometimes you really struggle to get things I think are obvious. Ok, how about this? I promise to communicate better if I am upset, and you promise to never, ever, try to spy on my private thoughts.”

“Deal. To be honest, it was kind of painful to hear your unfiltered thoughts. But, umm, we are keeping Milo?” Bill asked.

“Of course we will keep your partner in crime.”

Milo sauntered back in, sat down, and began to purr.