Pretend Game

I

“Is this a new game?” Milo thought. Milo’s servant Bill never seemed to tire of them. Bill was lying face down on the living room floor, alongside the long wooden coffee table. Milo decided to humor him by playing along, scrunching down on the floor, butt wagging, in full on hunting mode. Normally Bill would have given himself away by now, giggling or something, but this time he stayed in character. Milo pounced, landing on Bill’s back, after carefully retracting his claws. Bill didn’t react. Milo started to get a bit worried, but Milo noticed that he was moving slightly up and down, as Bill breathed. Milo could never understand the endless varieties of human antics. Why couldn’t they be more like cats?

Milo meowed louder, just like he did when Bill was late serving dinner. Milo considered trying to wake Bill up with a gentle scratch, but Bill took great exception when Milo got a red stain on Bill’s shirts. Milo, an older tuxedo cat, got down and meowed right into Bill’s ear. The big dummy still pretended to be dead. “Ok, have it your way,” Mill thought, as he waltzed out the cat door in the back to the fresh summer day outside. At least the squirrels and chipmunks knew how to play their parts.

After about a half hour, Milo was chased back into the house, by a German Shepard, illegally off the leash, per usual. Milo ate a snack in the kitchen, and still no Bill. Where was his damn servant? Milo ambled back to the living room, and, sure enough, Bill was still on the floor, playing his ridiculous game.

Bill was currently the only human in the house, since his wife had left him and the kids moved away. Normally Bill was a good servant, reasonably attentive to Milo’s needs and moods. The living room was filled with pictures of Milo (naturally), Bill’s family, and former cat masters who had passed on. Milo always considered the pictures of other cats in rather poor taste, so occasionally he knocked them down, but Bill always put them back up. Bill himself was in his early 70s, formerly tall, but was thin and shrinking. Bill thought that an elder human, like an elder cat, would have some dignity, but here we are.

Milo noticed that Bill had opened the front door, but not the screen door, and had even dropped the small box which he normally put out for cold drinks for the mailman. Milo allowed Bill these small indulgences, even though they did nothing for him. Still, even in his most absurd moments, Bill had not taken the pretend game this far.

Milo decided that the time had come for Bill to get up. Milo meowed at him. Nothing. Milo walked all over him. Nothing. Milo moved on to extreme measures, so he scratched Bill on the arm. Bill bled a bit, but nothing else. Strange. Very strange. Milo got on Bill’s back, and was relieved that he was still moving up and down. Still, the time had come for action. After all, sometimes it was hard to find good human servants. Milo couldn’t wake Bill up on his own, so he needed some biped assistance.

II

Milo raced out through the back cat door, and bounded out front to find human help. Two doors down he spotted the young human named Amber, who walked by with different dogs three or four times a day. This time Amber was walking a small Boston terrier, thank god on a leash. It always amazed Milo that most humans were too scared to walk around by themselves, without a dog to protect them. From what, squirrels?

As Milo approached, the Boston terrier went crazy woofing, as little dogs are wont to do, but Amber kept a tight grip on the leash. Milo started meowing in distress, and rolled on his back imitating Bill. He hoped that no other cats were watching him.

Amber looked at him strangely, but mostly tried (unsuccessfully) to calm the Boston terrier. They were almost to his house. Milo kept meowing, rolling on the ground, and ran up to the door. Amber playfully barked at Milo, shook her head, and pulled the Boston terrier across the street of their cul de sac and walked away. The Boston terrier saw a squirrel, barking his little dog barks, and immediately forgot Milo.

Milo needed a human brave enough to stroll without a canine protector. Finally he saw grumpy Helen, out for her daily walk. Helen was wearing beige shorts, a shirt from a long ago 5K race, with a cross necklace. Helen was walking right toward Milo’s house. Milo began meowing with alarm, running between Helen and the front door. Helen stopped, and said “shut up, you old coot.” Milo imitated Bill, laying motionless on his back, right in front of the door. Would Helen investigate? No, instead she looked around, saw the coast was clear, picked up a rock, and threw it at Milo. It narrowly missed, but Milo got the message, and ran to the back door, and scooted inside.

III

Milo checked on Bill in the living room. He still hadn’t moved, and when Milo sat on top of him, Milo was barely going up and down.

He was about to run to his cat door, when he heard someone out front. It was the mailman, Cedric, probably looking for his accustomed cold water bottle. Milo scrambled out front, saw Cedric in the doorway through the screen, and started meowing plaintively. “What’s wrong Milo?” Cedric asked, “you never act like this.”

Milo kept meowing, and ran to where Bill was. “Sorry, buddy, I have to get going to deliver the rest of the mail,” Cedric said. Milo went a little crazy, running back to scratch on the door, all while meowing frantically. Cedric paused, and said, “something is definitely wrong here.”

Milo then ran to Bill in the living room, keeping up his racket. Cedric moved to the right to see Milo, but he could only see something on the floor. Cedric called, “Bill, Bill, are you here?” No answer. “Bill, I’m coming in to see what is wrong.” Cedric came in, saw Bill on the floor, and knelt down to check his pulse.

“Don’t worry, Milo, he’s still breathing. I am going to call for help.” Cedric called 911 to report the emergency, and they promised that help was on the way. For the next ten minutes, Cedric sat next to Bill, checking his pulse, and trying to wake him up. Cedric also reassured Milo, “Bill’s going to be fine. He just had some fall. You were so brave to get my attention. You’re a hero.”

When the emergency medical technician arrived, Cedric briefed them on what he knew. Milo tried to tell them the whole story, but of course they only listened to Cedric. The EMT noticed a cut on Bill’s head, and some blood on the corner of the coffee table, which might explain where Bill fell. The EMT said that Bill still had his vital signs, and he probably had a concussion, but they would take Bill in for observation. The EMT asked Cedric to try to pass this on to Bill’s family. Milo told the EMT that he was Bill’s employer and friend, but they pushed him out of the way.

When the EMT took Bill away, Cedric stayed to make sure that Milo was ok. Cedric filled Milo’s food bowl, (Milo had meowed at the right cabinet until Cedric opened it and found the food), and filled Milo’s water dish.

“Milo, Bill may be gone for a day or two,” Cedric said. “I will come by each day to make sure that you have food and water. I will lock the front door but come in the back door. If anything’s wrong, just meow like crazy to let me know. Just like you did today.”

Milo approved. Cedric would make a suitable interim servant until Bill could return to his duties.