Your Nervous System Is a Terrible Personal Stylist

Hi From New Orleans <3

I opened my suitcase this morning and for the first time in a long time, I actually love everything I packed. The old me would’ve been frantic, packing 3 hours before a flight, landing and immediately crying that I have nothing to wear and hating all of my outfits. But today was one of those days where I noticed the tiny habits I’ve been investing in over the last few weeks have paid off.

I actually had the time to go shopping in my closet, try things on, lay things out and take pictures of my individual items, and somewhere between folding a pair of jeans and debating if I needed another bag, I was like… wait.

I missed this.

If you’ve been following me for a minute, you know my OG swag is very tomboy, very East Coast, very fun and colorful. But lately, I’ve been wearing less color, more neutrals, and safe, quiet silhouettes.

I like to think of my brain as a battery. When I wake up, it’s full. But lately, my body has been dealing with a lot. I have endometriosis, and when I turned 30, I developed hormonal acne. It’s got worse over the last few months and the hyperpigmentation from the breakouts made me want to hide. I never thought anything could break my spirit, but it did.

I remember going to bed some nights feeling really good about my skin, like I was making progress, and then I wake up to a huge pimple, and then spend all my energy hyper-fixating on it. Why is my skin mad at me today? Was it what I ate? Was it my matcha order? Was it the flight I took? I developed a fear of doing practically anything because I was scared it was going to result in a breakout. So By 9:00 AM, my brain battery is already down to like 35% just from stressing out. Of course I don’t feel like putting together an extravagant outfit.

This correlation hit me last week while I was putting the finishing touches on my BluPrint episode with Saint & Citizen. I was talking about the artist KESH and how she got a deal with American Apparel because she never switched up her swag for anyone. She stayed true to it, even when it was hard. Watching myself talk about having that kind of confidence and consistency and discipline made me look at my own creative journey. I realized that I had sacrificed and bargained with my own personal style not because I was influenced by anyone, but because that was the only thing I could do.

When you get too tired, too stressed, and too overwhelmed by life, your brain will immediately go into protection mode. It strips away all the bright colors, the fun patterns, and the “weird” pieces of your personality. It replaces everything with plain, safe, easy choices. You think you are entering a “refined” era, but really, your brain is just picking the outfit that requires the absolute least amount of friction & thinking.

I thought, “Maybe I am becoming more naturally refined…. You know, entering my grown woman era” And I do think part of that is true. I do think my taste has matured a bit since last year. But I also had to be honest with myself. Some of my style evolution was refinement, but most of it was, this is what I can handle mentally right now.

So much of my day-to-day life for the last few months has been dedicated to keeping my nervous system regulated and cortisol low because if I do not, my skin will get mad at me and everything will crash and burn. I have endometriosis, and as a result, hormonal acne came knocking on my door when I turned 30 and It humbled me badly this year. It robbed me of so much time, joy, and energy. It made me not want to be seen. It made getting dressed feel so challenging because even when the outfit was good, I did not always feel good in my face.

I knew my skin affected my confidence, but I don’t think I fully understood how much mental noise came from managing it. The trying not to stress because stress makes it worse, which of course makes you stress more because now you are stressed about being stressed. A very insane loop, I know.

But even when the days were hard, I never stopped caring about how I looked. I always cared. I’ve always cared. I grew up wearing uniforms in middle + high school so the little moments where I could express myself always mattered. I used to take my empty capri sun juices and put a scrunchie in the center and bobby pin It to my hair, like a bow. Anything to show I was different and had swag.

Having swag and maintaining it as an adult is a little harder when life gets dense. Getting dressed is no longer “What do I want to wear today?”. It’s “Do I have the energy to put together this outfit or do I want to save that energy for managing my skin, my stress, my hormones, my business, my inbox, my body, my mood, and the general chaos of being a person with a brain?”

And if you think it’s not that deep, just look at the numbers. The global fashion and apparel market is evaluated at approximately $1.8 to $1.9 trillion. I mean it makes sense tho. When we treat getting dressed as a form of "retail therapy" or emotional regulation, our spending habits reflect that need for an immediate mood boost, comfort, or a confidence injection.

Because I realized there was such a strong connection to my skin and my mental health which affected my personal sense of style and confidence, the answer was clear. I need to get my skin clear to free up space in my mind. So I booked an appointment at Amarae Aesthetics and within less than a month of my first appointment, i’m already seeing results ! My skin calming down has definitely freed up space in my mind.

The quiet gave me space to play again and It reaffirmed me that sometimes your style does not change because you lost your taste. Sometimes life just got bigger than your ability to express it.

There’s a difference between wearing black because it feels chic and wearing black because you cannot handle being perceived in color. There is a difference between having a uniform because you feel refined and having a uniform because your life is currently requiring you to be on autopilot. Sometimes, the autopilot outfit is the only thing keeping you together, and that is okay!

Here some of auto-pilot low cortisol pieces that held my swag together while I let my body catch its breath :

Starting off strong, my Acne Studios jeans. I wear them two to three times a week, and I am not ashamed. They go with everything. And they are the most comfortable jeans I old. They did not need tailoring, which, as a 5’2” woman, feels like divine intervention. The material almost reminds me of linen on a bed. Soft, easy, relaxed, but still expensive in a way that minds its business.

Then there is my Jacquemus clutch. I have been wearing a lot of black and neutrals, and that clutch brings everything together even when I am being lazy. It makes a basic outfit feel like I had a thought, even if the thought was just, “Please let me leave the house in peace.”

My Phoebe Philo aviator sunglasses have also been holding me down. I lost them once and almost passed away. Like, where the fuck did my Phoebe Philos go? Those glasses are important. The silhouette makes everything look better, and they also give “I do not want to be bothered,” which, unfortunately, is often true.

Then there is my olive green Bottega Andiamo bag in the color Tavertine. It was a Valentine’s Day gift from last year, and when I first got it, I barely wore it. It took me months to really bring it outside because my style at the time had not caught up to the bag yet. But now? She goes with everything. The color is neutral but still interesting, and every time someone stops me to ask about it, I feel like the bag is quietly saying, “See? I told you.”

And last but not least, my Machete claw clip. Truly, do not underestimate a good claw clip. This one is sturdy, durable, and holds my hair like it has benefits. The colorway is perfect for my where my closet it as right now too. I have been wearing my natural hair lately in silk presses, and these allow me to switch up my look without manipulating it with heat.

These are the pieces that have been holding my swag together while I have been detangling myself. The items I reach for when I want to feel like me but do not have the energy to build a whole character from scratch. And packing for Essence made me realize that getting my swag back is not about becoming a new version of myself. It is about having enough peace in my body to care to recognize myself again.

Style is not shallow. It is one of the first places you can tell whether you have room to play. Whether you feel safe enough to be seen. So yes, Operation Get My Swag Back is in full effect.

I would love to hear from you! Let me know if this is something you’re experiencing and what items are on your no brainer list.

Also, Essence Fest looks loadingggg.