Sometimes You Need a Friend

Please forgive me for being out of commission for so many days. I’d had seven weeks with shingles (it’s contagious! who knew!), two weeks with a sinus infection (also contagious!) that descended just as I was beginning to feel better from the shingles. But though I was mostly in bed, I was able to get the first three posts published. And then, over the past two weeks, I found myself amidst a making-up medical appointments marathon.

But they’re over! And I have about a month free.

I do hope you’ve found one or more wardrobe items that you love. Wear them! Use them! Pay attention to the way you feel in your favourite _________. Notice how your __________ makes you smile each time you see yourself in a mirror. Become conscious of how your favourite clothes affect your mood, your posture, your day.

I also hope you’ve identified one or more items that you really dislike. Wear/use them also. But consider wearing them only inside your home while you’re relaxing and can think. Be aware of how those _______, which you cover with a long t-shirt when you wear them to the market, really make you feel. Ask yourself why you’re holding onto that ________ which was never comfortable? Ask yourself why you would choose to wear something that you really don’t like.

In both instances, have an inner dialogue with yourself about what you’ve chosen. (Please don’t blame yourself. We bring all sorts of learned behaviour and attitudes to our clothing choices. Then the time comes when we can choose to reimagine those attitudes and behaviours.)

What I want you to discover is that your clothes have an affect on you but you can choose the affect your clothes will have.

And if you found nothing you love? Or nothing you really dislike? Maybe nothing at all?

My experience is that often we don’t have clothes we either love or hate. Often we just make do. It may be hard to find the right size1 or find a particular colour. Sometimes we are simply overwhelmed with all the choices. Or with life. That’s when we need help.

My best girl friend K is beautiful, brilliant, and extremely talented. She is also excellent with finances. But when it comes to shopping for herself, she needs help. On one occasion, two of us convinced her to go to Century 21 Department Store in NYC. On the way there, and as we walked through the store, she described the one shade of red she could wear, the shapes that work for her, and how her hips are problematic. We finally made it to the department which, at the time, sold mostly high end European designers that K had never considered. While she gingerly went through the racks, we pulled several dresses and convinced her to try them. One was the wrong red, another was the wrong shape. Finally she tried the last dress. When she came out of the dressing room and saw herself in the mirror, she stopped, a stunned expression on her face.

And then she twirled.

If you can’t find anything you love or really dislike, maybe you just need a friend or two.

But you need a certain kind of friend.2 Patience is paramount. Your friend must firmly believe you can discover and define your personal style. You need someone who will keep pulling dresses and who will gently but persistently ask you to try them on. And you need someone who will not bat an eye when you reject them but will return to the racks and pull more dresses.

You need a friend who is only invested in supporting you as you find the clothes that elicit a twirl. That twirl3 is the point where you begin to see yourself and your relationship with clothes differently. It’s where you can’t help but see your expression, your posture, hear the tone of your voice, and begin to realize when you’re unhappy, when you’re happy, when everything is better than you imagined.

Your physical response will nearly always tell you the truth. Our bodies and faces often don’t listen to the words we say. We’re like a child whose cheeks are red, who frowns when she tries to swallow, but says, “I’m okay.” Or the child with a big excited smile and reaching fingers who insists, “I don’t want another ice cream.” Our words and body language aren’t always in harmony.

We all need a friend at times. When you clean your closet,4 a friend will be very helpful. So for now, identify one or two. Ask yourself whether your friend would ask you, “Did you see that you’re frowning? What does that mean?” Or, “Do you see that your shoulders are slumped over? Why is that?” Or, “Look at your face? You’re really, really happy.” You need someone who will ask you to pay attention to your face, your posture, and the tone of your voice. And sometimes, you need a friend who will say, “You’re frowning but you look really good in that dress. Why not put it aside and you can try it on again at some future point?” And maybe you’ll reply, “I love the dress but it just doesn’t feel right.” Or you’ll realize that there’s some other surmountable or insurmountable issue. We can look great in something that’s itchy, ill-fitting, just uncomfortable. If you encounter something you love (or dislike) that just doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts.5

A friend, someone who knows you, is best. But if that’s not possible, and it happens that way sometimes, a consultant is a good choice. Over the next two weeks, I’ll be offering free 10/15 minute FaceTime/Zoom consultations to help you pinpoint something you love and something you really dislike. I can only help the first eight respondents so if a brief consultation will be beneficial, message me.6