If at first you don’t succeed… Pick yourself up (disappointment doesn’t define you)

Disappointment is a big feeling that is hard to cope with. It means accepting that you don’t have something others do have. It often means feeling like the world is unfair and yet, you need to find a way to still be a part of it. It means learning that feeling bad doesn’t last forever.

We often tell ourselves and our children the myth that “if you just work hard enough, good things will happen”. And although there may be some truth in that, there will be many occasions when your child works hard, and still feels disappointed because they didn’t get the mark, someone was better than them, or despite all their hard work, they just didn’t get it right.

As parents, one of our most important jobs is to help our children understand that what happens to them is not who they are. So often, when a disappointment happens, children turn it into their whole identity:

A mistake becomes: “I’m stupid”

A missed goal becomes: “I’m rubbish at football”

A disappointing grade becomes: “I will never become X/get to do Y”

A social rejection becomes: “I’m ugly/fat/unloveable… aka: not good enough.”

But all of this is just the result of what happened in one day, at a particular moment, under one set of circumstances. It does not define a child’s identity or their worth. Disappointment is a part of life and your job as a parent is to help your child understand that, while helping them know their experience was important and they are not defined by it.

This week, children in the UK are receiving their GCSE and A-level results. But even if your child is not at this stage of their life yet, understanding how to support them through disappointment is critical because experiencing big disappointments starts much earlier than GCSE results.

I have had my share of big disappointments socially, in relationships, and academically too. From being the last one on the bench at PE because no one picked me to be on their team, to never being asked to slow dance at the school disco (writing that makes it sound like I was living in a 90s rom-com, except it was more ‘com’ and less ‘rom’), to failing a presentation I worked hours on because I didn’t look up to the audience during it, and, fast forward to my 20’s, when I attended over 50 interviews to get my first assistant psychology job (a necessary pre-requisite after undergraduate psychology to get selected for the Doctorate). I am sure you have your own long story of disappointments too, and taking a moment to remember them can help to position you in a more compassionate, and helpful space when you read on this newsletter.

The thing I want you to learn is that you cannot avoid disappointment. No matter how hard you try, it will continue to happen. It’s learning how to move through it that will serve you and your children best. That’s why today I am sharing scripts, tools, and strategies you can add to your parenting toolkit for when you or your child needs it, whether they’re 7 or 17. It’s all based on science, and my experience of disappointment has also served me well in understanding the ingredients that build resilience better than avoidance.