Before we get into this week’s newsletter,
I’d like to announce that my practice is now accepting new therapy clients in NY, NJ, & FL!
If you’re interested in a free consultation, click below.
Now, let’s begin…
Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
DARVO is a response pattern that can emerge when someone is confronted about harmful behavior. Instead of engaging with the concern, they:
Deny the behavior ever happened
Attack the person who raised it
Reverse the dynamic
… & positioning themselves as the real victim.
Oftentimes, it results in a strategic redirection that places the fault onto the person who was hurt. OUCH!
It’s slightly different. Here’s how:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that erodes your trust in your own perception of what happened.
It looks like:
“That never happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“You’re always so dramatic.”
“I never said that.”
DARVO, in contrast, is not only about making you doubt what happened. It’s about taking it a step further and punishing you.
Where gaslighting rewrites the story, DARVO flips the roles. The person who caused harm suddenly becomes the one who is wounded.
And it sounds like:
“I can’t believe you would say that about me.”
“After everything I’ve done for you, this is what you do?”
“You’re trying to destroy me.”
“You’re the one who’s being abusive.”
Or a Latina mom’s favorite “Cuando yo me muera!” IYKYK
Gaslighting makes you question your memory. DARVO makes you feel you caused harm.
Both silence you at different levels.
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is that it makes you feel like you’re a bad person.
If you’re compassionate, self-reflective, or someone who learned early to take on a lot responsibility, DARVO will likely work very well against you.
You’ll find yourself asking:
“Did I overreact?” “Maybe I’m being too hard on them.” “I don’t want to cause more hurt.”
And suddenly, the person who caused harm is being comforted, and you’re apologizing and creating a repair for something you didn’t even do.
…actually stem from my work with clients.
I hear them talking about their partners or parents or really anyone in their lives. And the conversations typically have some flavor of these statements:
“After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? You’re hurting me by saying this.”
Leaving so many of my clients feeling like they’re not even allowed to feel hurt and with the deep guilt of “hurting” others they care about.
For this reason, and for many others, I'm so deeply passionate about calling out relationship dynamics.
Because I deeply believe that everyone deserves to reclaim clarity and peace.
And when they do…
…when they can name something for what it is…
that shifts things.
And it helps cycle breakers understand that..
You can be deeply loving and require accountability.
One caviar I forgot to mention is that clarity can initially feel uncomfortable when confusion has been familiar.
But clarity is exactly where the cycle begins to break.
You deserve relationships where your voice doesn’t disappear the moment conflict begins.
If this resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need language for what they’ve been experiencing.
Share Break the Cycle with Dr. Mariel
For other ways for us to connect, you’re warmly invited to explore the following offerings:
Until soon,
Dr. Mariel
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