We here at Senator McConnell’s office would like to assure you that despite the rumors and rank speculation flying around the World Wide Web the senator is totally alive, we swear. He’s more than alive, he’s well. We’d be happy to prove it too you but unfortunately the senator can’t jump on a Zoom call just this second because he’s busy pulling a charter bus down the runway at Reagan International with his teeth. Maybe when he gets back from bending those iron bars and swimming the English Channel. His schedule is chock full of parkour till then, but I’ll try and fit you in when he’s back from his trip to free solo El Capitan.
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