Dreamweaver Part I ❤️‍🔥

This is a longer share — the full story of my descent and healing in Costa Rica that marks the beginning of the Dreamweaver journey. Future posts will be shorter reflections spiraling out from this moment

It’s been one of the most wild times of my entire life since arriving here in Costa Rica!

Whilst my external reality here has been lulling at a lovely pace of sun, sea, mountain & synchronicity my inner world has been extremely tumultuous & transformative with what feels like a continual seismic shift on an almost daily basis

I’ve been able to take huge steps towards heal OCD & intrusive thoughts, cleared years of stored trauma back all the way to in utero, rewired various destructive internal patternings, rebalance my body & change my physiology, clear a load of physical gunk from my organs, stabilise my mind & emotions, regulate & heal my nervous system…

& i’m learning how to surf! Physically & metaphorically… 🌊🏄‍♀️🤙

It’s been fucking tough but my god has it been extremely beautiful, deeply insightful & expansive, stretching me in challenging new ways that I previously didn’t think were possible

I am now overjoyed to say that after some of the deepest 3 months of inner work of my life I am feeling great & whilst not fully out of the woods yet I feel like i’m on track towards living the life of my dreams

I’ve been looking forward to beginning to share this unfolding wild journey of healing in the hope that it will help others in the ways that i’ve been able to help myself & inspire hope that change & transformation is absolutely possible…

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Trigger/Disclosure: I write here about my personal experience with plant medicines and ceremonial practices (Hapé, senanga). These were part of my healing under guidance & following extensive personal practice over a number of years. This is not medical advice. If you’re considering any medicine or somatic work, consult a qualified practitioner and your healthcare provider. Some practices can be intense and are not suitable for everyone.

A Slow Collapse

When I got here I was on my knees, deep in suffering as a culmination of two extremely difficult years of accelerated growing pains through process after process - I’m coining the term Transformation Fatigue!

After coming out of some pretty serious mould toxicity issues in 2022 I was pretty wobbly most of the way through 2023 with a lot of internal psychological pressure happening that I couldn’t quite put my finger on

I would have mini breakdowns lasting a weekend, sometimes a little longer, sometimes a little less but would pull myself together through a strong will & array of different practices & methods until I couldn’t anymore, the pressure got overwhelming & I had a full psychological breakdown to breakthrough over Christmas in which I rescheduled my entire diary for 6 weeks to process & integrate a pretty hardcore anima awakening within my psyche - I’ll explore this at depth another time in this space

After the integration life got pretty good for a while, I moved into a luxury flat in the countryside spring 2024 & went back into build mode in my business

Until a serious EMF problem with lay lines on the property once more brought me into a space of continual internal hell within the body due to dirty frequencies - Fight/flight activated, haywire emotional system, no sleep & feeling like I was in a microwave - I had to cancel the tenancy & move within 2 months of getting there

Something drastic had to happen with me moving to a farm to get away from frequencies & heal & met my previous partner - it was a great summer! But short lived…

Soon after moving in September it became apparent that the space we’d moved into had mould & EMF issues as it was super close to the overground line

Wind forward 4 months & my health was back in collapse & tatters with a resurgence of intrusive thoughts that I thought i’d resolved through years of working on the healing of OCD that i’d been diagnosed with 12 years ago as well as a bagload of childhood & early 20s trauma all coming to the surface at the same time - it was intense…

I ended the relationship in the new year for a few reasons, with one of them being the strain I was under with my health, mind & emotions & not being able to cope with managing myself, let alone showing up as the loving partner I wanted to be

It was a massive low time for me, each day was a living hell of physical, mental, emotional & spiritual stress, dysregulation, my body constantly processing physical & emotional toxins & generally feeling like a failure due to where I was in my body, my life whilst also processing the breakup & dealing with what I was making it mean about myself

I knew my time of 8 years in London was coming to an end & I felt good for that - The city was making me very sick & having the blessing that felt like somewhat of a curse at the time of a lot of holistic health knowledge I was extremely worried as to the trajectory that I was on

I knew I was headed for some sort of serious health condition due to the chronic stress that I was under - & had been under for a long time & felt trapped with no way out

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Attack Of The Thoughts

I was likely headed for more trouble, particularly within my psychology as the intrusive thoughts were getting steadily worse due to a big resurgence of unprocessed past trauma & found myself expending a lot of energy fighting the thoughts that knew all the chinks & entry points for how to bring me the greatest distress

I look forward to writing at length about OCD & intrusive thoughts but for an initial explanation - Intrusive thoughts are highly distressing thoughts that come unbidden into a person’s mind - often with the worst things the person could think of or playing on the worst fears

They can take many shapes & forms depending on the person - fears of brutal attack, thoughts of vicious harm & abuse to others, horrific judgements of self & other, thoughts of committing suicide, apocalyptic visions of death & destruction (one of my particular flavours), killing, maiming, harming self & other & so on - pretty fruity shit!

The thoughts always play upon what the person will find most distressing with the first documented cases of it being priests in the 1600s who couldn’t stop obsessively thinking about the devil & satan worship - pretty distressing to a dude who’s given his life over to god right?

I know a lot of people can relate to these thoughts at one time or another - but it’s rarely spoken about as sharing what can sometimes be pretty sick stuff with your buddy over a beer usually isn’t the done thing

With OCD they are in overdrive with the compulsive behaviours such as checking & cleaning being strategies to actually get away from the thoughts

One of the keys is knowing that - YOU ARE NOT THE THOUGHTS - you are a witness to them - among other tools that i’ll share another time

Thankfully i’d dealt with the compulsive behaviours many years before but the thoughts had come back with a vengeance - For the first few months of the year I was living in an absolute nightmare onslaught of intrusive thoughts, one after the other, thousands each day, oscillating from harming myself & others to a savage voice praying on every insecurity I hold to general death, destruction & pestilence

& then compounding that having spirals of damaging thoughts about the thoughts - called metacognition - near constantly causing more dysregulation, more inner chaos & more inner stories of shame, regret & depression

The only real break I got from them was whilst teaching my massage therapy course, Fascia Freedom to a number of beautiful practitioners (bigups if ya reading! ❤️‍🔥) - I think because I love it & them to bits it was giving me a purpose very much in line with my dream & life path - I found this a super interesting insight

I’d developed a lot of strategies to navigate & mitigate the thoughts but with the nervous system & health crashes connected to the mould & EMFs I was unable to employ the strategies as my nervous system was completely overwhelmed & ending up sending me even deeper into the mental/emotional/physical nervous system hole that I couldn’t help but find myself stuck in with no way out

So in overwhelm I found myself falling back on a default strategy of fighting the thoughts which dosn’t work at all - when you fight something it tends to fight back - Which just added to the spiral of woe becoming another continual energy drain

With the burgeoning trip cycling from Alaska to Argentina coming hinging on certain financial & system building targets that I wasn’t on track for I was beginning to despair, only able to keep going due to a fire in my heart & belly hungry for this dream that i’d held for so long

I was in a shitty suckpool of woe & despair & sinking fast…

But! I’ve been through enough stuff to have the knowing that there is often a bunch of diamonds to be found at the bottom of suckpools that I couldn’t see at the time but trusted were there with that faith & trust keeping me going…

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Libelula Lifeline

It was at this point I was thrown a huge lifeline & blessing from the Spirit in the form of my buddy Kene who was building a huge retreat center, Libelula in the mountains of Costa Rica - Bigups my bro! https://www.instagram.com/libelula.retreats/

He’d seen me teaching Fascia Freedom online & proposed to fly me out to his center to teach him the system & techniques

I saw it as a beautiful opportunity to connect, do one of the things I love the most in teaching as well as escape the dirty frequencies of London & recover for a while so said absolutely, let’s do it!

I got there to paradise…

130 acres of mountainous jungle, & a full scale building project in full swing, waterfalls hummingbirds & toucans everywhere, flowers & plants i’d never seen before & a beautiful welcome from some very lovely people :)

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I felt at home straight away

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Even after a long old flight after 2 days my nervous system completely picked up, I believe in the absence of the electromagnetic frequencies of the city that I had become so sensitive to

Towards the end of the trip we had a sit down in which Kene delivered Hapé (hah-pay) to me which is an indigenous medicine comprised of tobacco & various different herbs holding different healing properties

Hapé is delievered through a pipe into the person who is receiving’s nose with strong prayer & intention behind it for healing & can bring on a variety of effects - deep meditative connection, profound realisations, warrior mode, emotional release & detoxification & purging of the organs, emotions & body when taken in large amounts being some of the effects

I’d been working with hapé for many years to my great benefit so very much know the territory so was glad to receive. Sitting with it started beautifully with me feeling a rainbow energy emerge from my hands but then I slowly fell into a very nauseating, depressed & collapsed state with it bringing on a lot of difficulty - This wasnt a bad thing as it was showing me where I truly was at the time in my life - on the edge of collapse struggling to hold my life together in pursuit of my dream of cycling the Americas

My friend Kene looked on with concern & once i’d recovered somewhat he engaged me in one of the most pivitol conversations of my life

He asked me from the heart as to whether I was phyisically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually ready for the trip

I said ‘No’ & collapsed further

He voiced the gnawing feeling that i’d been pushing away & with that voicing opened the full realisation of what my inner voice had been trying to tell me

It actually came as a huge relief as I was trapped in this situation of knowing I couldn’t stay in London as it was making me too sick whilst knowing that I was too sick & dilapidated to start cycling thousands of miles through the Arctic circle

Massive props to Kene - He was wrestling with himself for a day or so as to whether to say something as he didn’t want to burst the bubble of my dream but his care & concern thankfully moved him to voice it to which I hold deep respect & am extremely grateful for 🙏

We had a great conversation & talked things through but I still had a big challenge - I couldn’t stay in London & I couldn’t go on the trip so that left me in a position of what to do?

It is at this point Kene offered for me to come & live at the center, help as a volunteer & get back on my feet in an environment absolutely perfect for healing

I was so glad to accept this lifeline offer from Kene that was a blessing from the Spirit, I believe given to help me at a time when it was needed most of which I am so incredibly grateful for - & that is currently going very well!

Kene said a couple of months later “I was crazy to offer it & you were crazy to accept it - but it works!” haha

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3 Gnarly Weeks Back In Blighty

Flying back to the UK was heavy, I was deep in the negative anticipation of what was to come in the 3 weeks before I was booked to fly to Alaska & start the cycle trip

My plan was to get on the same flight that changed in Canada but instead of going to Alaska I would change to come back to Costa Rica

The support I received from friends & family for the change in direction was overwhelmingly positive however I had a number of tricky situations to navigate as well as having myself in an intense emotional hurricane to manage during those 3 weeks - It was gnarly!

I had a massive sense of failure, a death process of the trip, many goodbyes including my grandad who was close to passing, leaving an AI start up company due to my health, more nervous system chaos & dysregulation, preparing to leave the UK & somehow had to prepare to hold an event - A Spark In The Dark - to open the Dreamweave Prayer during all of it

The intrusive thoughts were still playing havoc but had calmed somewhat, I think because I now had a way forward

I managed to get through it with the help of some very good friends (Bigups Aimee, Johnny, Virginia, Zoe, Kamal, Kene, Maisie, Tarin & Basia!), we pulled off a beautiful community event to open the prayer (MAGIC night, will write about this another time!) & my mum who I was staying in Bristol at the end when I knew that I wasn’t very much fun being around - so thankyou Mar!

Had a fantastic roundoff at Paradhis festival with Zoe, The Plums, Kamal & the Yoga In The Stars collective before jumping on the plane the following Tuesday

Plane journey was FULL ON, I was taking an extremely expensive & heavy bioresonance frequency device to Costa Rica for the healing center that nearly didn’t get through due to size, I managed to get it on the first plane but the airport staff had unceremoniously dumped the battery that was in a seperate case in oversized luggage, denting it which was extremely stressful!

In the US they were having none of it on sizing so had to take it out of the case, wrap it in a poncho & carry it like a super heavy tech baby through 3 more airports but after 2 buses, 4 planes & 40 hours with no sleep I finally got back to Libelula in the Costa Rican mountains to some rest & much needed solace

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The Rocky Bottom

I was utterly mashed when I got here! Like bad way, the giga plane ride had completely done me in!

Pains in my back & knee, body completely wound up, tight & contracted, posture totally distorted, full of electro-gak from the planes, mind & emotions spiked, sensitised & bracing for more difficulty & deeply deeply exhausted

I was truly on my knees & feeling like a wreck with all of the pain & distortion in my body-mind

But there is a true magic up here at Libelula - the bueuty & resonance of the nature, the clear mountain air & seeing hummingbirds fly around whilst eating breakfast!

I started to pick up within a few days before utterly crashing again into a renewed onslaught of intrusive thoughts - It was once of the strongest times having them

From the second I woke up to when i’d get some restbite through sleep they were there, thoughts attacking every thread of my being & reality & making things very difficult with relating to the guys here as I was in a continuing state of strong anxiety & a barrage of destruction going on in the mind

Which caused more mental agony - I didn’t know what to do about this persistant inner invader that had led to a ocmplete erosion of my self esteem over so many years

I wanted nothing more than to be free of what felt like an absolute curse on me but felt incapable to free myself due to my state of collapse & overwhelm

I’ve always taken pride in being independant - this served as a deep medicine for me for a very long time but any medicine taken too much will eventually turn into a poison

I was confronted with something that I knew I couldn’t tackle alone so asked Kene for help as he could sense some of what was happening in my system & proposed we move into a healing ceremony for what was happening that evening before his trip to the UK of which I am deeply grateful for

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Where Science Meets Magic

Now this will be it’s own large & varied exposé in regards to the intricacies & mystery of the shamanic healing arts another time in this space - but as a general overview we can think of the body as a physical, mental, emotional & energetic or spiritual construct with all elements seamlessly layered over & influencing eachother

Problems in the body-mind often have their origin in the energetic systems & field of the human biosphere

Through the healing arts working with plant medicines, prayer, intention, bodywork, mantra & many other methods we can positively influence the nervous system, mind, emotions & energetic field of a person bringing about a healing response & positive change on all levels in all systems

Where science meets magic we have shamanism & the other healing arts - & god bless me, does it work! - i’ve seen enough freaky deaky things over years of this work followed by witnessing outstandingly positive results of personal & lasting change in myself & others to know this as a strong reality

As a side note if you would like to discover more about the medicine work or shamanism then please reach out, always very happy to open doors for others that have helped me immeasurably through walking through them myself <3

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The Ceremony

The sun was descending behind the mountains as we prepared the space

I was summoning strength for what was to come by building the fire with my prayers & intention for protection & healing

It took so long to light, as if something was willing against it

After an hour & a half of vigorously fanning & feeding it the sacred fire was finally self sustaining & we settled into the ritual

We were to work with hapé at a huge dose combined with senanga to open the channels of the body & the vision

Senanga is a medicine from a plant in the amazon that is opens the upper chakras & clears the channels around the head among other application & is dropped into the eyes of the person & then ruthlessly burns the eyes for around 15 minutes

There are many lessons that can be learned around pain & how we interface with it through this beautiful medicine

Personally I absolutely love having my eyes burned out, the intense sensation of nothing but the pain can be deeply enjoyable in a slightly masochistic way (Deep Scorpio situation here 🦂😂)

We set up the space in prayer & intention, I was in nervous anticipation combined with strength & resolve for what was about to happen

Bless the 4 beautiful souls there - Kene, Anton, Ariel & Jose for holding such a beautiful space, the love there was very palatable & felt

The amount of hapé I was to take would bring on a deeply intense physiological reaction involving a lot of sweating & purging

One of the worst sensations is dry heaving when you have purged everything in your stomach as there is more to go which I wanted to avoid so I tanked a huge amount of water in preparation

The last thing I saw was the beauty of the roaring fire before Kene dropped the senanga into my eyes & the familiar sense of intense burning opened my body-mind for the healing that was to come

With the fire in front of me to protect & transmute the energies that I was looking to purge Kene lined up one of the largest doses of hapé that I had ever received

The first huge & hard blow into my left nostril left me absolutely reeling with the intensity of having a huge amount of medicine blown into my face & brought up a small purge almost immediately

After a moments recovery I received the second gargantuan hard blow into the right nostril & sat heaving with burning eyes & a skull full to the brim of medicinal pain

The process truly began

Feeling the thoughts go into crazy overdrive I experienced having a trapped, cornered & vicious shadow animal completely devoid of love in my psyche, knowing it’s reign was coming to an end

The heat & sweat built in my body along with a crippling nausea with a feeling of death bubbling up within me

In a moment of maximum intensity I began violently purging toxins from the core of my being that the medicine was liberating

I was purging & purging & purging until nothing remained in my stomach & started the awful process of dry retching, clamoring to drink water but unable to due to the spasms & convulsions of my abdomen trying to eject years of mental pain & torture

At this point Kene started working on my body as he could percieve certain attachments around my shoulder

The more he was working my shoulder the more I was purging

Whilst in the depths of the depair & pain of the purging I could feel it working positively & resolved to delve deeper into the process of transformation, held by the love of my friends & the warmth of the fire in front of me

After a while of Kene working on my shoulder he then descended into purging himself - purging what was in me through him

I had experienced this phenomenon before in an ayahuasca ceremony - whilst witnessing a healing I purged for others people who were receiving healing at the time

I can’t explain the exact mechanisms of how this is working apart from us all sharing a collective field but I was deeply grateful to Kene at the time for taking the purge for me

The next morning I saw the spot on the ground & it was jet black, like a toxic oil slick that had washed up on the beach

Kene has more resource & energetic system integrity than many others I have seen in this work but after doing around 40 mins of amazing work had to step back as it became too depletive

At this point I was still very much in the chaos of sweat, heat, misery & deep physiological intensity

Kene stepped back & Anton stepped in

Anton is a very interesting chap - He used to be the Russian bodybuilding champion but turned shaman after awakening a number of deep healing abilities in his first ceremony - Imagine a massive mantra reciting bear of love & you’re there

He started reciting mantra & working with my shoulders with touch & through various different chimes

After the intense & needed descent with Kene that very much hit the mark through the mantra & Antons work my system slowly began to find harmony & balance again with the purging stopping

Slowly I started to recover & could feel my energetic field reorganising into a completely new, unfamiliar & yet very positive position

Kene returned with the second dose of senanga which was a lot more ruthless with the pain than the first & I sat tall in front of the fire feeling gratitude for the healing, my friends, the fire & the pain as the beautiful teacher that it always is

I profusely thanked my wonderful friends for holding the space & Kene & Anton for guiding the healing & the beauty I was experiencing yearning for them to really feel the love & gratitude that was in my heart for what I had received on that dark night by the fire

& made my way to bed exhausted, yet satisfied & clear for a deep 11 hour blissful sleep

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The Continuing Journey

The next day I awoke with no negative mental activity whatsoever - gentle loving peace & crystal clear clarity

I went up to see Kene & the others & broke down in tears of gratitude held in a loving brotherly embrace by Kene

The shift was immense - Months of internal apocalypse reduced to utter loving peace

I couldn’t believe it - But I’d been long enough in this work to absolutely believe it as when we are in the realms of healing we are also in the realms of magic whereby dreams can come true if we have but the courage to pursue them

I thoroughly enjoyed a full day of blissful mental peace & then towards the end of the day

One single nasty intrusive thought

Aha! The work is not quite done…

I’m happy with my reaction as I could feel part of me wanting to drop back into despair because it ‘hadn’t worked’ but the mush stronger emergent voice within immediately jumped to - 1 intrusive thought in a day is a massive improvement on the prior 15000 - There is more work to be done & now i’ve got this - I see you, I know what to do with you, I now have the strength to work with you & I commit to healing the rest of what is being asked of me to heal to be of deeper & greater service to the world

Kene & the others had granted me the deepest gift - a handhold out of the torrents of the river Styx that was previously trying to dash me through it’s rapids

I made an offering to the land in thanks for it’s help - I wish I took a photo as it had a small warrior figurine that i’d had since I was a kid…

I made a dispacio full of flowers, honey, the figurine & other precious items & buried it underneath the fire which have now had stone laid on top of it

The offering will forever be here underneath the stone as a treasure others may find in many years from now when we’re all gone - which brings me happiness

I now knew how to gain my feet & make my way back up into the light of transformation that was to come next…

What has unfolded since has been a deep inner emotional journey combining many powerful self healing methods that have rendered me in a completely different personal state & although i’m not quite out of the woods yet i’m looking forward to what is to come in life

I will continue to share through this publication to the benefit of you the reader if you yourself are struggling - there are many ways forward - & to note many of them really need not be to this level of intensity

There is always something that can be done & there is always hope that we can convert into faith in ourselves, those around us & in the mystical unknown of the world that we have been blessed to experience 💚

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Dreamweaver ❤️‍🔥

Currently 4 months later i’m still working on rebuilding myself & whilst there are still challenges, they now feel much more manageable

The main current challenge I am working to overcome is my health & energy - It’s been a battering over the last few years & it looks like i’m still loaded with mould mycotoxins creating problems in my nervous, mental, emotional & hormonal systems but have the right principles & plan in place for a gentle & robust recovery & learning a lot

I solidly believe though that on some - & perhaps every - level I have created these life challenges in order to learn & master the ability to help others through my personal experience - I’ve found many many times how my personal experience has fed directly into helping others through coaching so every experience is a valuable learning for this

I finally feel in a place of strength to start sharing my journey here & build towards the Dreamweave Prayer & my cycle trip from Alaska to Argentina now scheduled for the Sagittarius full moon May 31st when it’s warm enough in Alaska again to start & truly realise my dream

I’m setting up a community to support others in realising their dreams as well - which is very dear to my heart as another massive part of my dream is to help others realise theirs

It’s called the Dreamweave Tribe ❤️‍🔥 & is a beautiful space for community, sharing & building our dream lives at a time whereby things are going crazy in the world - this is a sanctuary of love & holding for what is emerging in all of our lives & humanity as a whole

If you would like to join the Dreamweave Tribe & be part of this prayer, part of this movement & supporting the trip then you can do so by either subscribing to this Substack publication or by following this link to my site to find out more;

https://www.faenix.co.uk/dreamweaveprayer

If you’ve made it this far then you have my thanks for reading! I’ll be sharing more about my journey of healing as well as Dreamweaving tools & holistic health insights & guidance as things unfold

If anything here has resonated then please feel free to reach out

Big Love to you & wishing you a beautiful day

❤️‍🔥💫

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If you want to support my journey cycling from Alaska to Argentina, find out more about The Dreamweave Prayer & join a beautiful community of fellow Dreamweavers you can join the tribe below.

This tribe is a co-supportive environment with the main focus being the discovery, co-creation, embodiment & living of our dreams & is a space for authentic expression as one of the vehicles for creation of said dreams :)

You’ll also receive a buncha of cool dreamy goodies when you join!

https://www.faenix.co.uk/dreamweaveprayer

Or you can upgrade just below on Substack to also join the tribe - It’s cheaper if you sign up on desktop over Iphone due to App store fees.

Looking forward to weaving our dreams into the fabric of reality together ❤️‍🔥 x