** I am resharing this newsletter that I originally wrote in 2025 as it’s father’s day in the UK. I hope it brings some comfort or inspiration to those who need it. **
I’ve never known what it is to be loved and cherished by a father. To be cuddled, nurtured, collected from school, helped with homework, nor had stories read to me at bedtime. I have often wondered what it must feel like to have had a Dad like that, guiding and protecting you, especially at the very start of your life. I guess it must be really nice….
How different my life might have been with this as a starting point. A present loving father, helping to create a solid and safe launching pad for my life, through secure attachment. I know it’s the same for many of you too. Us the unfathered had the opposite experience of secure attachment! Instead, what we mostly felt from our fathers was the lack, an absence, a void. For some of us it simply wasn’t meant to be, not in this lifetime anyway. Perhaps we signed up for something very different? And that’s our inner work I guess - to heal and transform the emotional wounds left behind by someone who was meant to be there for us, but wasn’t.
Some say it’s hard to miss what you’ve never had, but the truth is I do. Even now, I still sometimes long for a father. It has cost me dearly in my life not having a healthy male role model. In all of my relationships, especially the one with myself, the ripple effect of that absence has persisted. Self loathing and self abandonment were such a strong force within me for decades, along with self sabotage and destruction. It is said that we do to ourselves what was done to us, and that has certainly been my personal and professional experience.
I was 15 years old when I first started dating my dad.
Not literally you understand but a version of him wrapped up in an 18 year old boy that I met on a bus. The intelligence, humour and mischief of his personality resonating with my limited experience of my own father. Over time this boyfriend also became critical, controlling and unreliable, and my feelings of being judged, not good enough and abandoned felt so familiar. Because they were.
The Father wound.
Throughout my teens until my early 40’s I mainly dated versions of my dad. They all shared his positive qualities, handsome, oozing charm, funny, sharp and charismatic. Then, over time the negative qualities would inevitably surface - addicted, abandoning, rejecting and unavailable, cold, critical, domineering and harsh. Yep. Just like dad.
Sometimes if I didn’t experience these negative qualities arising in the latest daddy stand-in, I would behave in ways that made sure he would step up to play that role. Like playing mind games and pushing him away until eventually he’d snap and walk away “You’re mental!”. Then, the familiar painful and strangely comforting rush of rejection, abandonment and self loathing would flood through my veins; my very own drug of choice. ‘I knew I was right, I am unlovable’. Once I even tried to break this dysfunctional pattern (without doing the healing work required), by marrying against type, with a kind and gentle man who refused to role play as my father. He only wanted to love me (the freak!). So of course I left him.
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” Groucho Marx
Whether we like it or not, most of us will marry or have intimate relationships with versions of our parents, (breathe!) We are often drawn towards both the negative and positive qualities that our parents demonstrated, as the first woman and man that we ever met. But, why might we make such crazy partner choices? Why would we choose to create similar situations that replicate our history and rewound ourselves over and again?! Madness surely!
Or, perhaps it’s quite simply because it’s all we know. And maybe we are also unconsciously trying to heal? We are recreating history in order to complete what remains unfinished from long ago. But this time we desire a different ending. A happier one. However, we have to get conscious of history repeating itself in order to be able to work with it, and make new, healthier choices. Sometimes the unfamiliar partner is the healthier option, and what feels like a soulmate is in fact just a ‘wound mate’.* Two wounded people acting out their childhood stories of abandonment and rejection and calling it love.
*Woundmate is a term coined by Caroline Myss
Either way, healing is only possible when we start to wake up from this trance and step aside from the dance of dysfunction.We can then begin to see the common threads running through all our relationships, not only with partners, but friends and bosses too. When we stop pointing the finger of blame outwards or finger of shame inwards, we start to recognise that relationships are a Spiritual practice. An opportunity for us to evolve, grow and deepen, healing ourselves back into the truth of who we really are.
The first step usually involves us having to get really sick of ourselves, living groundhog day with our past constantly hijacking our present. But until we are finally ready to do the inner work of healing, we will just go on dating daddy.
It was a long and painful journey towards forgiveness for my father. And then a few steps further (deeper), to a sacred place that resides beyond forgiveness. I believe this might be called True Love.
For many years, I could only see my dad as a monster. A raging drunken bully of a manchild who had caused so much suffering. I had zero compassion for him, my pain felt too great to see or appreciate his. After much inner work, including grieving all that I missed out on as an unfathered child, and when my heart felt less broken, I began to get curious about what my dad might have faced in his life to create such inadequacy, rage and addiction.
I learned about him being given alcohol as a child, beatings and violence, religious shaming, apartheid, internalised racism, trauma and depression. I learned how he arrived in England from South Africa, a penniless young black man, leaving behind family and friends, culture and belonging. And that he never shed a single tear about any of it. What chance did he really stand? Alcohol was the liquid of his unshed tears, and how much he drank reflected how much he was crying…on the inside.
Over time I was able to see my father, not just the one dimensional version of him from childhood that I ran on a loop in my head, and through my bleeding heart. I was eventually able to feel true compassion for his pain, struggles, trauma and unexpressed grief. If I had lived through all that my dad had, maybe I too would have turned out just the same. Probably. I also came to appreciate the many (turd bowed) gifts he had given me, despite the great suffering he caused. Both/and. Eventually, I could view my father as a full and whole human being. Flawed, vulnerable, heartbroken and beautiful. Just like me.
Phase One Perspective:My dad was a violent addict and a terrible father. A nasty piece of work….
Phase Two Perspective:
….he was also funny, intelligent, well read, charismatic, traumatised, highly skilled and incredibly hard working.
Both/and….
My dad was not only a father, he was also a scared little boy, a son, brother, husband, friend, human and spiritual being and the greatest Spiritual teacher I ever met.
So, no traditional happy ending here of the Disney kind. We did not forgive and forget, nor reunite and run into each other’s arms, weeping with relief at our reignited father/daughter Love. My dad did not apologise, nor decide to give up alcohol and go to therapy along with some anger management classes. We remain no contact.
However, beyond fantasies, I did get my very own happy ending of a different kind. Because I feel complete and at peace with my father. Grateful for the gift of life that he gave me and so much more. In many ways I am who I am because, not despite of him. And of course I feel sad sometimes that I never knew him and never will, but I definitely understand and feel compassion for him. I am in fact deeply grateful that he was my dad.
And so with my head held high, and my heart wide open, I can now proudly say -
‘I am my father’s daughter, and this will always be so…..’
And so it is.
The (happy) end.
AN ALTERNATIVE FATHERS DAY MESSAGE
My father didn’t give me hugs, or hold my hand, nor tell me everything would be alright (it is). He wasn’t loving or caring or kind. He didn’t show me the way nor help me find my own. He was, and probably still is, too lost himself.
But here’s what he did give me...the unexpected gifts I needed to unwrap slowly.
* My Father showed me through his cruelty, the healing power of tenderness.
* Through his neglect and abandonment, I learned how to grieve.
* From his arrogance, I found humility.
* From his bitterness and rage (which also became mine), I discovered therapy.
* From his lies and betrayals, I learned the crucial role of truth.
* Through his dark history of trauma, I learned about compassion.
* From his left path meanderings, he showed me to turn right.
* From his unspoken words, I found my inner voice.
* And from his unspoken ‘sorry’s’, I discovered that heartfelt apologies heal almost everything.
* Through his lack of guidance,I became a great leader.
*Though his selfishness, I learned kindness and gratitude.
* From his African lineage, I found identity and belonging.
* From the whispers of his shattered heart,I finally found true forgiveness.
* And for all the times he broke my heart, he also opened it even wider.
* Through his complete inability to love anyone, least of all himself, I learned how to LOVE everyone, including myself.
So wherever you are Father of mine, I send you nothing but love and gratitude. You helped me become who I am today.
And there’s one more thing I wish for you to know. Please listen carefully Dad, as I sense you need to hear this....
….There is nothing left to forgive.
I love you. Go in Peace xxx
#wordsbydonnalancaster #fathersday
Happy Place Festival - Sunday 12th July, Jordan Stephens and I will be on the Talk stage talking about healing through relationships. Tickets: Happy Place Festival
Soul-Full Sunday - 19th July in the park, West Sussex - free and all welcome. Soul-Full Sunday
Preparing for Death - a 2 day exploration of death and dying through a spiritual lens, 19th & 20th September - Preparing for Death
Beneath the Elder Tree - a free event in Hove, 23rd September with myself and Jasmine Harsono, Beneath the Elder Tree All welcome. Book early to reserve your seat.
Healing Through Relationships - a 1 day workshop to explore ways of being in our relationships that are healing rather than rewounding. 17th October. Early bird offer expires 1st July with a saving of £20 off the cost. £175 pp. Healing Through Relationships
For all my offerings, including working with me 1:1 on your Spiritual Awakening-Donna Lancaster
I was recently honoured to be invited on this podcast, especially as I am not quite 60! It was a great conversation, covering the rich territory of ageing, elderhood, death, wisdom and so much more. I hope you enjoy it and if you do listen, please remember to leave them a review. #womensupportingwomen
How to be 60 with Donna Lancaster
Thank you for reading my words, and please let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment. It really means a lot when you take the time to do this. 🙏🏽❤️🌻
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