"You Talk Too Much"

I recently asked a Substack friend—an ADHD health coach—how to respond respectfully to someone who is talking too much. In the text of her response, which was wise and helpful and not critical in any obvious way, she placed quotation marks around the phrase “too much.”* She may not have meant anything by it, but I have to admit that her choice of punctuation felt accusatory, as if to say, “Those are your words, not mine.” I felt judged, to be quite honest. Chastised.

But this is the thing about a mindfulness practice, probably the most important lesson I have learned in my nearly seven years of meditating and trying to be more present to the moment: When I feel judged, when I feel slighted, criticized, or disapproved of, I try to pause my reaction for a moment, because I know that whenever I have strong feelings, I am being presented with the opportunity to learn something about myself. I try to look more deeply at my feelings and motivations rather than someone else’s. Instead of indulging in anger at the other for making me feel something I don’t want to feel, instead of resisting or finding fault with their words, I can ask myself why I am triggered. Emotional reactions are signals alerting me to listen to what‘s happening, to find out what this experience is trying to teach me.

So, after reading my friend’s response, I listened carefully to my feelings, I considered my friend’s [intended or unintended] message, and suddenly, a realization hit me: Embedded within the question, How do you respond respectfully to someone who is talking too much, is a disrespectful attitude toward the speaker. I almost laughed when I got it: I was judging someone else as “too much.” And of course, if someone else is too much, then I must be just right. Or, more accurately; I must be better than them.

Whether or not my friend saw the condescension in my question, I was now seeing it clearly.*

Who am I to decide for someone else what “too much” is? Am I their parent or their speech coach? Am I an authority on the communication needs and tendencies of another? Am I the arbiter of how other people “should” speak? Naturally, it is the speaker, and only the speaker, who gets to decide if they are talking too much, just as the oak tree gets to determine how many leaves it will produce in the spring and how many acorns it will drop in the fall. I don’t have to like the speaker’s communication style, but it is arrogant of me to assume that my feelings (boredom, impatience, restlessness) are their fault and not my own. Which brings me to my second realization.

In addition to recognizing that it is not my place to judge whether someone is “too much,” I discovered something perhaps even more important: what my judgment is saying about me. When I say “So-and-so talks too much,” what I am really saying is that I don’t want to listen too long without having a chance to speak myself. It turns out the issue is with me, not them. It’s about what I want and don’t want. In saying, He talks too much, I am actually deflecting from my own feelings—feelings like, He doesn’t care about my opinion, or, Nobody ever listens to me—and I am being dishonest about that by placing the burden on the speaker instead of myself.

That’s a double discernment for me!

To realize that there is a latent oversight in your conditioning, leading to disrespect for others; that is a significant thing to grasp, perhaps life-changing. I am sixty-one years old and I only just this week discerned this particular hole in my awareness.

Well, I see it now.

And all my friend had to do was put quotations around two words. That’s the power of mindfulness for you!

DB 🙏💚

PS—I do understand that the art of conversation is a skill at which some are more proficient than others. Few would enjoy finding themselves involved in a one-sided conversation with someone who doesn’t listen well and only wants to talk about themself. But it’s going to happen from time to time, and what I realized is that if I am judging that person as inferior, as “too much,” then I am not going to handle the exchange with equanimity. I am going to feel impatient, offended, and restless.

In that scenario, who is the less happy participant?

*Here is Maggie Jon’s helpful response to my question and a link to her Substack:

“Nobody likes to hear they talk “too much”, and ADHDers tend to be extra sensitive. You could tell him that you sometimes find it difficult to get your point across, and ask him how you guys could figure out a way to communicate that works for both of you. That shifts the whole thing from potential personal attack to a collaboration. Hope that helps ❤️”

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