What to do when your loved one comes out as polyamorous

I don’t know what it is in my heart that gives me empathy for people who are freaked out about their loved ones coming out as non-monogamous. Especially the older, more conservative ones — not the downright haters, but the ones who are trying to live their life by what they think is right, who want to love everyone, and who try and fail to understand. Earlier this week, I was scrolling through Reddit as someone’s mom came onto the r/polyfamilies subreddit, broken-hearted that her daughter + SIL just came out as polyamorous, and asking for advice and clarity. Instead of calling her a hateful bigot, many of us, especially me, took the time to type out long-winded, gentle, loving, considerate answers to address her fears and assumptions. She said she’ll always love her daughter and feels a lot better. I told her she could message me anytime she wants.

I should feel indignation and self-righteousness towards people who think I’m an evil sinner. I do feel that kind of rage all the time, about a million other topics. (Like AI! And 99.9% of U.S. policies toward the poor!) But not this one. It’s not that I want to be subjected to verbal abuse from my family or hear that I’m STILL the topic of vicious gossip in my hometown, despite the fact that my life and family have been healthy, happy, and calm for years and years at this point. But maybe it’s because I love my parents, and I love the people in my life who, perhaps, don’t “agree” with polyamory, and I get their perspective on things… because, ostensibly, I used to have that perspective too. I’m sure if 12-year-old Jennifer heard that someone had TWO partners they lived with and “did it” with, I’d assume they were harlots living for the devil or whatever. Someone who was very confused and needed Jesus.

And then, of course, I’ve heard negative stories of polyamory. I’ve lived negative stories of polyamory. (I’ve also had and witnessed many more negative monogamy experiences, simply as it is the most common relationship structure type by far, but hey!) All the people who dislike polyamory from a “liberal” perspective point to horror stories and assumptions about the downfall of a person’s relationship, or that one person is being forced into it, etc… every polyamorous person reading this has heard it all, because our lives and relationships are open to nonstop judgment by default, somehow. Aren’t you people ever worried about the environment? Homeless families? War? Famine? The downfall of the liberal arts? Anything that actually matters and affects your life personally?

I’m so out, and so open, because I can handle it. I don’t know why, but I can. I can handle it when people talk shit about me in public to my relatives and I can handle it when I lose friends over my relationship structure. I’ve moved on and I’m peaceful, stable, and joyful: That’s the biggest gift I can give myself and the biggest “screw you” to all the people who continue to cast doubts upon my family. (And if you’re suspicious that this is all just an online act, feel free to come over to my house sometime and actually hang out with us.)

However, if you’re someone — let’s forget politics — who is struggling because a loved one has recently come out to you as polyamorous, I’ve got some tips to help you out. (And I don’t normally do this, but if that’s you in this situation, and you want the content from this paid post and can’t afford it, please reach out to me.)